Proof Abstinence Only Sex "Education" Is Destroying Today's Impressionable Youth

Full disclosure: This thread was originally slated to be titled "How I know teens aren't fucking enough" but decided against it. Was that the correct path? We shall see.

They call me the Party Pooper. I am going to get a bumper sticker for my car that says "I'd rather be giving someone a piss test." I'm into cross-reactivity, SAMSHA cutoff levels and testing technologies. So...I like to hang out in the WikiAnswers drug testing category for a few minutes at a time, which is about all a sensitive-minded, law-abiding individual like myself can stand. Most of the questions are of the "how do I beat a THC test?" (which I will not answer) and "does ___ show up on a drug test?" / "what does ____ show up as on a drug test?" (which I DO answer, especially if they're questions about OTC drugs because I'd really hate for someone to lose their job over some Advils) nature. But recently I've been seeing quite a few questions about prescription drug abuse--are broke kids raiding the medicine chest? Probably, but this is the straw-shaped question that broke the camel's back:

Will Lomotil show up as an opiate on an in home urine test kit?

Lomotil? I think I'd rather abuse syrup of Ipecac than Lomotil. Lomotil is an antidiarrhea medicine and is a cocktail of two drugs--not enough synthetic opiate to be fun, and enough atropine to scare the hell out of you if you try getting buzzed on this shit. Man, if you're fifteen years old and you're out there trying to get fucked up on diarrhea medicine, you need to just find a partner and get laid.