Lawyer Jokes! Lawyer Jokes! Post 'em here if you got 'em!!! Here's mine

What does a lawyer use for birth control?

His personality.

I know a bunch more although they're not coming to the surface of my age and THC addled brain at the moment.But each and every one of em was told to me by a lawyer. So no hatin' on lawyers from me; just passing on my friends' poking fun at themselves.

Like I need another reason to hate her...


Actually, I love my MIL, and she would love these jokes.

A Doberman.

Love this one.

:rofl:

Cats keep covering them up......

You cry when you cut up an onion.

...a dead lawyer in the road?
Skid marks.

Edit: I hope no one saw what I first wrote.

Senator.

Lyrics to Nothin' But A Woman :
You can give me an hour alone in a bank
Pay all my tickets, wipe the slate blank
You could buy me a car, fill up the tank
Tell me a boat full of lawyers just sank

Outside the Pearly gates trumpets and fanfare sound as a cheer goes up, "He's here! He's here!"

The Pope straightens out his robes as the gates swing open. The crowd bowls over the Pope as they scoop up the lawyer and carry him into Heaven on their shoulders.

A bespectacled angel helps the Pope to his feet and say, "I'm here to take you to your eternal reward, your Holiness." So he leads the Pope to the lower eastside of Heaven to a single room efficiency with a single bare light bulb hanging by a bare wire.

Hearing the cheers of, "He's here! he's here!" the Pope looks out the indow to see the lawyer being carried into a white marble mansion with manicured lawns and topiaries.

"I don't mean to complain," says the Pope. "I am grateful to be here but I have spent my entire life in service to God. Why am I here while the lawyer is being given a mansion?"

"Well," says the angel, "we get popes all the time...but he's the first lawyer we've ever seen."

God says "I'll sue!!
Satan grins and says "Where ya gonna find a lawyer?"

:evilgrin:

a good start

One's a scum sucking bottom feeder.

The other's just a fish.

:)

for research?

A: Several reasons: First, they're more plentiful than rats; second, the researchers don't get as attached to them; third, when they used rats animal rights groups would complain; and fourth, there are some things that rats won't do. One problem, though - no-one's been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

A bus full of lawyers plunging into a 3,000 foot ravine. With three empty seats.

"Do they put two people in one plot?"

The mother says, "No, why do you ask?"

And the little girl replies, "Because I saw a tombstone that read 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Skid marks before the dead possum

This was the only relief in five years of wall to wall GRIM WORLD.

Did you hear about the clever lawyer?

His client was charged with sodomy and he got it reduced to the lesser included offense of "following too closely".


:rofl:

A cement shortage.

Guy goes to his lawyer for advice. Gets the advice then...

"That'll be a hundred bucks."

"I don't have my checkbook, is cash OK?"

"Sure."

After the client leaves, the lawyer realizes that he has two brand new hundred dollar bills stuck together.

The moral dilemma he finds hinmself stuck with is "Should I tell my partner?"

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're
an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down
there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

:hi:

"All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy, dressed in a suit and tie, stands up at the other end of the bar and says..
"Hey! I resent that remark!"

First guy says "Why? Are you a Lawyer?"

"No. I'm an asshole!"

He gets taller.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop,” says the deputy. “License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

"My friends," he says, "they say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try. I've sold everything I own, and the total comes to 100 thousand dollars. I've split the money into three envelopes, one for each of you. When I am buried, I want each of you to toss the envelope into my coffin before they close it.

So it's a beautiful ceremony, and after it's over the three men are standing beside the covered grave. The priest finally breaks the silence. "I have to admit, that money was too tempting. I skimmed 10 thousand off for the orphanage. My God forgive me." The investment banker squirms a bit, and says "Well, don't beat yourself up over it, Father. I admit the money called to me, too. I took 30 thousand, counting it as my commission. I see now that was probably exhorbitant. My God forgive me."

The lawyer stares at his two friends. "Well, I'm disgusted with both of you," he says. "Our friend trusted you, and you let him down. The money called to me, too, but I fought the temptation." Both men hung their heads in shame. The lawyer added "I tossed in a check for the whole amount."

The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.

Chopped cabbage, mayo, a little lemon juice and some celery salt.

Actual High School test question from smart ass teacher.

His car broke down late at night while driving through the countryside. He walked to the nearest farmhouse. Due to the late hour, the farmer offerd to let him spend the night. The farmer's daughter was (of course) gorgeous, and was quite impressed with the dashing overnight guest. Needless to say, he had a VERY good night.

Almost a year later, the lawyer was on the same trip, and passed by the farmhouse. He decided it would be nice to stop in and visit and thank the farmer again. On the front porch sat the farmer and his daughter, with a young infant at her breast.

Even the lawyer was able to figure out what happened. "Goodness sakes," he said to the farmer. "Why didn't you get in touch with me? I would have taken responsibility for my actions. I would have married her and help raise the child!"

The farmer paused, shifted his corncob pipe in his mouth, and said, "Well, mister, we gave it a lot of thought. But in the end, we decided we'd rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

success in life - money, power, sex, every pleasure you can conceive of-in return fot the souls of your wife and children in hell forever."
The lawyer replies, "What's the catch?"

mark

I spotted a lawyer walking down the street and he had his hands in his OWN pockets!

It's not a joke, more of a multiple choice question....

You're walking along and you come across your ex and their lawyer drowning in a swamp of liquid shit. Do you..

a) go to lunch
b) go to a movie

and buying a boat?

Some people who buy a boat end up regretting the decision.