Tell me a joke! I need a laugh!

...tell you a joke, BUT I can tell you something really funny.

My two-year-old cousin can just sense that my sister has a new boyfriend, so he went into the room where my sister and her boyfriend were hanging out and FARTED. With dimples and joy in his eyes, he then came into my room and said "I'm going to fart on you too."

TA DA!!

Thanks!

The chicken says, "Don't do it! You'll never hear the end of it!"

Good one!-Thankee!

Three men were seated behind them. The nuns' habits were blocking their view, and so the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they would get annoyed and move.

The first guy said, "I'm think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I'm going to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around and in a sweet and calm voice said, "If it's any consolation, where you're going, there won't be ANY nuns."



Then the nuns elbowed the three men in the crotch.

A pirate clumps into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel attached to his trousers.

The bartender says, “You’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Yaarrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

If so, watch some of these edits, they are good.

http://www.youtube.com/user/gazorra#p/u/16/p7jbP1_H9sA

If so, watch some of these edits, they are good.

http://www.youtube.com/user/gazorra#p/u/16/p7jbP1_H9sA

Aw hell, it's a bar joke....

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman sit down at a bar. They notice there are a few flies buzzing around the establishment, but all the same, they order their respective customary and settle down to consumation of their daily brew.

Because it's a hot day, and their drinking establishment is loaded with flies, each in his turn discovers that his chilly pint has become inhabited by one of the winged creatures.

The Englishman looks at his fly-tainted beverage and turns it away, in disgust. (Wasting his money, if you ask me....)

The Irishman pulls out the miscreant with a napkin, but returns to his tipple.

The Scotsman fishes out his little insect friend, and, astonishingly, seems to be giving CPR to the small, wee, creepin' beastie.

In amazement, the Irishman and the Englishman lean in as the Scot pokes the midsection of the fly:

"Cough up what ye swallowed you theivin' bastard...."

.
The punch line I know is, "Spit it out, ya wee bastard... spit it OUT!!!"
.
.
Three nuns come to the United States for a special UN conference.
.
They walk the streets and decide that they simply HAVE to try that
All-American delicacy known as a hot dog.
.
They each order one with mustard from a street vendor, and take the
paper-wrapped dogs to a nearby park bench.
.
They eagerly unwrap their lunches... and the first one to get hers open
blushes and turns to her sister sisters and asks, "So... what part of
the dog did YOU get?"
.

who was invited to a UN dinner where they were having international fare.

When presented with a bowl of matzoh ball soup, she ate it with absolutely no enthusiasm.

Arthur Miller leaned over, concerned that his bride was disappointed....

"What's that matter?"

"Don't they serve any other part of the matzoh?" she sighed.

Good one!

I was taking some person's money in a situation where I was surrounded by several co-workers. I try very hard to mind my manners and never curse at work or anything like that.

I knew the person I was making change for.

"That $10 could be a donation.. we appreciate any donations.. that's how we keep the lights on.."

"Naw, I don't have it right now," says he

since I often talk before I think, I blurted out...

I replied, "Dude, you are tighter than a nuns.. nun.. what is that saying? You know (damn I just wouldn't shut up, but I hate forgetting stuff).. you know, that saying like 'squeaks when you walk' .. tighter than a nnnn" (Bam, it hit me. No wonder I don't use that expression!) ... handed him his $10.

I scanned the room and received an array of interesting looks.

I went on a smoke break with a very red face.

:blush:

guy passes by his son's room and hollers, "SON IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT YOU'LL GO BLIND!"

son replies, "HEY DAD I'M OVER HERE!"

canoes sometimes tip.

The one in the middle: He don't have to drive, and he don't have to fuck with the gate.

I'm still waiting for the punchline to this one, but I suspect it'll be a DUzy!

Secretary Gates finishes by saying by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq."

The President responds: "How tragic, please get me their families' phone numbers and an interpreter who speaks Portugese so that I can call and express my condolences."

.
You could post that on the freeper place and they would tell you
it confirms he's an elitist.
.
And something something about his birth certificate.
.

I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.


Thank you Mitch Hedberg

Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'

:rofl:

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.  She told me that I had to quit masturbating.  I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

:D

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said,  "Morning."  He said, "No, just taking a crap."

:rofl:

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"






When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that “it had to be at least 8 characters long, and include at least one capital.”

Best one for originality!

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

He only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.