What the hell.... I'm gonna start a religious flamewar in the Lounge!

Here goes!

If you don't worship the great god Marduk, then you are an assclown of mythical proportions! Yes, I said it! ASSCLOWN!

Some background:

Marduk was an ancient god of Babylonia and chief god of the city of Babylon. His cult rose to prominence in the reign of Hammurabi, and Marduk became the omniscient king of the pantheon; the creator of mankind and the god of light and life. In his various aspects he was the successor of the Sumerian earth god Enlil.

TAKE THAT!

disco dances and shouts "DYN-O-MITE!"

</Futurama reference>

You fuck.

Yes, I do indeed fuck. Thanks for pointing that out, ya non-Marduk-worshipping charlatan.

I suppose you're somehow better than me because you worship Anubis, huh? Here's a newsflash! I hear his mother was a bitch! (Not unlike *'s dear ol ma)

TAKE THAT!

Thus spake Zarathustra, anyway.

...that all the girls go crazy for?

Ahem. Sorry for that one.

Anyone with a BIT of sense knows that Ba'al is the one true God! Fall to your knees and worship the golden calf, you heretic!:P

Myeah, Moses. Ya seeeee, we're gonna worship dis here golden calf now, riiight?

I, of course, have great respect for the god of the first lawyer....Hammurabi been werry good to me :D

my god is better than your god!!!

as a matter of fact, my god is gonna kick your ass!!!!

Tiamat shall return and bathe your temples in fire!

Hail Tiamat!!

:evilgrin:

what the hell happened to Babylon?

This is the problem with operating a "deity-sponsored" government. When the government fails, the god dies with it.

Just like the South will. Charlie Daniels said so, and he has the right ear of God. Um....I mean, MARDUK, of course!

You are wanted in the reception area. A young DU poster has been violated by an angry God.

...and some of you might know how psychotic Scandinavian black metalers are, especially if you've read Michael Moynihan's Lords of Chaos.

And Marduk (the band) has one record called "Fuck Me Jesus."

Cough it up for Marduk, assclowns!


:evilgrin: :evilgrin: :evilgrin:

I got in a cab recently and found a $20 bill lying on the floor. That's the kind of stuff my god does for me. Not big showy stuff that might spoil me, just nice little things that say "thinking of you." That's what I like from a god.

You'd blame it on Marduk, wouldn't you?!?!

And don't think I haven't seen Marduk's "touch" in some of the vehicles around town. "Worship me or I'll shit on you." Some gods are all alike.

It better be the correct answer or I'm gonna put you on IGNORE!!! And once you hit MY ignore list you're on a slippery slope to banishment.

But don't let that influence your response in any way. I'm always open to differing opinions. Once.

Love,
Allen

Though I don't think he much cares about the sex of the victim.

So, happy?

Or am I already ignored?

Marduk never said anything about homosexual marraige. Much like the overrated New Testament.

This IS Babylon we're talking about however. I'd guess that he didn't give a godly shit one way or another. He did imply that he liked watching QE for the shaving tips. THE WAYS OF MARDUK ARE MYSTERIOUS, AND MARDUK LIKES A CLOSE SHAVE! Who doesn't, really?

came down so hard on the poor, enlightened, civil liberty loving Babylonians?

Is this Not tacky?????hmmmmm????

Marduk schmarduk. There are bird droppings all over this false claim as the God of light and life. Saddam probably followed this sleazy God, and look where Saddam is now. He couldn't even outwit *.

The fact is that the great god Marduk gave up those ice fields on purpose. Honestly, how can you get a decent tan in the ice fields?

THAT, my friends, is MReeper* logic at it's finest!


*MR = Marduk Refuters, also known as Zell Miller Democrats.

Since the ice fields are where Raven left him.

But perhaps Marduk was behind the now defunct attempt to turn the ice fields into an open tanning booth. I believe the slogan was "Ten Minutes to Bronze, Fiteen Minutes to Ripe Tomato."

Clearly, Raven saved the sun from the likes of Marduk.

All hail the great, honorable Raven!

Unless you're mixing your mythology, that is. :D

Honestly, what did the Babylonians know about icefields? They couldn't even make a decent frozen margarita.

If I'd have known that, I would have visited long ago.

As for mixed mythology, back in the day, an old Alaskan Chief owned the sun and the moon. Marduk aspired to be the God of light, and thus he had no choice but to travel to the ice fields, where he came upon the Raven who also aspired to steal the sun and the moon. Unfortunately for Marduk, Raven was on home turf, so it wasn't much of a match.

Luckily for Marduk, Raven was kind enough to let the sun and the moon shine the world over, and he didn't give a rat's ass if Marduk took credit for it back in Babylon.

Now, if Raven knew that agave grew in Babylon, things might have been different.

Baphomet is the ultimate ruler of all things religious and stuff like that there..........

Baphomet is "The Sabbatic Goat"!

A GOAT!

Even their milk sucks. Do you get your inspiration from praying to the Holy Tin Can? Do your priests learn to beg for 5 cent hand-fulls of kibble at the Church Of The Mighty Smelly Petting Zoo?

Begone, infidel! You are rebuked!

(the power of Marduk compels you, the power of Marduk compels you...)

The mighty goat will chew you up.....he will eat anything after all...
He will squish your Marduk with his cloven hooves....

and I am of mythical proportions, and I may strike you down and never really end my sentence...

rawrrrr

and if you don't agree with me you are evil.

How about the almighty CROM.....Sure he just leaves you alone and doesn't really do much to help us....but hey wouldn't that be a great god that just kinda left you alone and didn't ever show his presence......Oh wait.....that reminds me of another god....

now bite me.

}(
dp

The great Marduk wholeheartedly endorses biting.

You want PROOF? Here's a Google Image Search for "Marduk"



(seriously. I did a GIS for "marduk" and found this poorly-photoshopped image of Neve Campbell)


HAIL MARDUK!

Astarte rules!! :D

Astarte is an anagram for "Arse tat". Fess up! Is it a butterfly or a dolphin?

That's no way to worship.

However yours will have a big hand print on it soon! :P

And if Marduk wills it.

He will "will it", though. I shook a camel toe at my fuchsia-colored candle, so all will be as planned.

You have to wave a lock of human hair at the chosen tree to get what you wish for.

Or shuddafuccup! :D

Pointless indeed. And they say the "ugly goddess thread" was a waste of bandwidth...obviously the mods never looked in here. :eyes:

stiff and nasty up your &@*!

;) Wink! Notice the wink!

Your sense of "silly" is stunted. I believe you can get a handicapped parking permit for that in most states.

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

Nobody called you "a retard." The term is disabled, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with mental retardation, though mental retardation is one form of disability.

Please don't use slang terms like "retard" this way. It's simply ugly, nasty and uncalled for. Marduk doesn't make mistakes, you know.

POOP <-- Clean up in aisle 52.

his PENIS!!!!

REPENT BEFORE ODIN FOR RAGNORAK IS AT HAND!!!!!!

REPENT BEFORE ODIN AND BE SAVED!!!!!!!!!!

He never stood a chance with all that C4 and his whole ziggurat coming down on top of him like that.

Damn. Sometimes I miss being able to watch TV on Friday nights.

Back on topic: Marduk gated out before his reign was threatened. He's sneaky like that.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' Which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

It's true. You will wish you had Jessie's Girl for all eternity.

her manure pit. You will be watched by the evil Blue Oyster as you rot in the pit. You could have been one of her favorites. You too would have known the joy of having her visit your drying machine where she blesses your whites by changing them to pink. But no. You blaspheme and worship a false god. Her high horniness will not bless you. Her hoof will not grace your laundry room. You are foresaken.