I'm tired of having the same goddamn arguments over and over again with my mom

I just need to vent for a second here.

First of all, I have been un- and under-employed for the last 3 years (as so many of us have been), and yes, I had to move back in with my mom. Me living with my mom is not the topic here.

About 5 months ago I got a terrific job that requires me to go down to Sacramento two days a week. This requires me being out of town overnight.

This weekend I promised my dear friend who is getting married in two months that I would come down to Santa Cruz and help her pick out a hairstyle for the wedding. I am obligated to do this, and it's not negotiable.

Tonight my mom and I had the SAME TWO ARGUMENTS WE'VE BEEN HAVING FOR YEARS AND I'M SO SICK OF IT.

The first argument is about the dogs. We have three dogs, and every single goddamn week my mom freaks out about me leaving her with three dogs. She totally guilt trips me about leaving her alone with the dogs, and I totally fall for it every week. I know it's not easy taking care of all three dogs, but I don't know what to do about that. I HAVE OFFERED TO TAKE ONE OR MORE DOGS TO THE KENNEL AND PAY FOR IT, but no, that's unacceptable to her. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE EXPECTS ME TO DO. THERE IS NO SOLUTION HERE THAT WILL MAKE HER HAPPY.

If I don't go down south, I don't get paid, and that's not an option. If I take the dogs to the kennel, the dogs will be sad. If I don't take the dogs to the kennel, the dogs will miss me, and my mom will have to deal with three dogs. I can't think of another option here.

The second argument is about the car. This argument has spanned SEVEN DAMN YEARS and THREE DAMN CARS.

When I first got a job out of college in 2003 I had an old 1980 BMW 320i with 200,000 miles on it. I got a job up in the mountains near Yosemite. My mom's car was a 1997 Toyota Corolla with 90,000 miles on it. She INSISTED that I take HER car if I was going to be driving in the mountains because she INSISTED that the BMW wasn't safe. She then proceeded to call me and guilt-trip me for taking her car and leaving her with an older car that she couldn't go anywhere in. I OFFERED TO TAKE THE BMW BACK AND SHE SAID NO, THAT THE BMW WASN'T SAFE AND SHE WANTED ME TO DRIVE A SAFE CAR. Multiple times a week she would call me and hassle me about the fact that I had her car.

In 2005 she gave the BMW (which was my car) away without asking me, and she bought a brand new Honda Element. She then gave me the Toyota to have.

A few months ago, I get a job that requires me to go out of town for a few days a week. It's a great job and it pays good money, but it's a temporary job so it's not like I have the cash flow and can go buy another car, ya know?

When I get this new job she INSISTS that the Toyota (which now has 180,000 miles on it) isn't safe and she won't have me driving it to Sacramento. So I am left taking the Honda to Sacramento.

Guess what happens?

EVERY GODDAMN WEEK she hassles me about taking HER car out of town and leaving her STRANDED here in Redding without a functioning car. (Never mind the facts that I give her about $600 a month for car expenses and that I have spent $2,000 in the last year getting the Toyota in great shape. I've had the AC, both axles, and all four wheels replaced. It runs like a dream.)

So tonight I'm about to leave town for a few days, and she decides to pitch a hissy about it at 9:00 at night. Like, tonight she tried to play this card that she had been planning to go to Cottonwood this weekend, but now she couldn't go because she didn't have a functioning car. Cottonwood is a big exciting 15 miles down the road. She also tried to tell me that she couldn't possibly drive my car this weekend because my car was all dirty. SHE'S BEEN THE ONE DRIVING IT 90% OF THE TIME FOR THE LAST 5 MONTHS. I suggested that she go through the drive-through car wash, and she acted like I had slapped my grandmother. I said I would pay to get it detailed and she was like "Well it's a little late for THAT."

So I say "OK, I'll take MY car to visit my friend this weekend and I'll leave you with the Honda." Well of COURSE she's all like "Well you can't drive the Toyota that far. It's not safe."

Both of these arguments are SO frustrating. It's like she starts the argument for the sole purpose of hassling me. SO FRUSTRATING.

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

stop engaging in the game

say "I'm not playing, have a good day"

I would have that car argument exactly one time. The next time, I wouldn't discuss it, I wouldn't mention it, I would run at the hint of the topic coming up. I would be busy or distracted. And when it came time for me to go, I would take my car.

As for the dogs... I wouldn't ask on that either. I would either find a friend who would put them up, or take them to the kennel. No asking, no discussing. Just do it, its done. IF asked, I would just say its taken care of.

I have many faults. And when I was younger, I got into more than my share of arguments with my dad. But they were new ones each time. We just had an awful lot of things we disagreed on.

See, that's why nobody should take advice from me. :)

:thumbsup:

and don't buy anymore dogs until you have your own place.

signed,
daughter of a crazy mother

Just keep them from getting carsick.

Wolf

At least the topic of the fights will change.

might be that you aren't arguing about the underlying problem.

Because her complaints are so circular (don't leave me with the dogs but don't board them, don't leave me with the bad car but don't you take it), I'm guessing it's one of two things she's really upset about.

A. She resents you living there, or the exact opposite:
B. She likes having you there and is trying to manipulate you into not going away so much.

I don't have a solution to that, but if it were me after having those arguments a certain amount of times, I would be emotionally detached. Actually I'd be an ass about it, which is why you shouldn't take any relationship advice from me. I'd make a laminated card for each occasion. On one, one side of the card would say: NO DON'T MAKE ME WATCH THREE DOGS. and the other side would say NO DON'T BOARD THE DOGS. And I'd just say well, I'm going for the night, that part isn't negotiable. These are your two options, pick one and put it on the table, your choice. Same with the car.

I think it's good for both of us to have some alone time.

I suspect that part of the argument is perennial complaint #3, known as the "I never go anywhere" complaint. This is the discussion where she says she wants to go out of town, but we can't because we'd have to do something with the dogs. If I suggest taking the dogs to the kennel, then she brings up the problem that if we go out of town then the house doesn't get cleaned over the weekend. I tell her that the house is NEVER going to be perfectly clean, and that there's always something left that needs to be done (such as cleaning the garage, washing the floors, and so forth) and she can blow it off for a weekend. She then says that if we go out of town the plants will die in the vegetable garden because it's really hot here, to which I have nothing to say because she's probably right on that one. So then I suggest that she go out of town by herself and visit her friends in the Bay Area, and she never takes me up on this.

I think a big chunk of the problem is that I'm going somewhere and she's not. And I think this is sort of not my problem. :P

Sounds kinda like the age-old mom-daughter jealousy thing. I had it with my mom when I lived with her for a miserable few years long ago. Now, she comes to visit every so often, and after a day or so, the old ugly factors raise their heads, and I feel awful cause she's so much older, but the patterns are still there.

It's sad but true. And no, it is not your problem. You have a life, and she has her choices as well, you are not responsible for her life. The dogs, well, you do your best. This situation will not last forever, and you will move on. She will miss you then, I have no doubt.

Be good to yourself.

Tell her straight: Look Mom, we've been arguing about the dogs and the cars for, like seven years. I don't think either of us has anything new to say on these subjects. I know I enjoy arguing with you as much as you enjoy arguing with me, but these arguments are getting boring. Let's find two new things to argue about for the next year, and at the end of the year we can see how it's going and if we need to pick one or two other topics for our squabbles

If all she did was squabble with her mother, that's all she knows how to do. If so, good luck with trying to change her!

:P

or follow Kali's advice. Trust me, this game doesn't work as solitaire.

Seriously move out... the longer you stay the harder it will be...


Move out... homeless shelter,,, cardboard box... couch surf... but move out.


You will get along better with your mother and you will feel a giant weight you didn't remember putting on lift from your shoulders.

You have gotten great advise from several people and I can see that this situation just feeds on itself. She guilts you, you bite. She has the power, you feel frustrated. I understand that you do not consider the topic of your post that you are living with your mom, but that is fueling the whole thing.

Only advise I can add is for you to make sure to do things with your mom on a regular basis. Go out and enjoy a picnic in the park, go shopping, find a high school play to attend. Little things that will be fun and will show that you want to spend time with your mom.

Could you get counseling together (together being the word stressed)? Or, better yet, move out?

:shrug:

Refuse to argue, as someone else suggested upthread...

You are an adult. Walk away from the argument, and as soon as possible, move away.

Take the dogs and your car, and get the hell out of there.

How does that work? :shrug:

I can only echo the other posters - this does not seem to be about cars or dogs, and if you get rid of those triggers it will be something else until the underlying issue appears. However, I would board the dogs, drive the Toyota, and just refuse to talk about it any more (Smile - shrug - "Yeah, you're right." - walk away).

Congratulations on the job!

In my experience this is how I see it. It's a control issue with your mom. She will always say the same things to you. She makes it impossible for you to solve the problem because she has it all figured out. If you have a solution she finds something wrong with it.

I think she wants you to stay with her. She's afraid the job will take you away again. So she's hanging on to you for dear life always making it extremely hard for you when you leave. Did you notice how it's always when you have to leave town or you make plans to go visit out of town friends that she starts this? She doesn't want you to go.

My solution. Drive whatever car you want and see if you can get somebody to babysit your dogs. Put up some ads in libraries and if there's a college in your town put them up on the campus. You can get someone to drop by the house on the days you're out of town just to feed and walk the dogs or whatever else you mom finds too difficult to do. Take them for walks etc.

These fights are becoming a pattern in your lives. They are repeating like clockwork and you can stop them. It takes two to fight. Believe me. I had to do that with my mom. It works if you're really serious and determined. But you have to be consistent.

First, when you are out of town, you ought to put all three dogs in a kennel or have a friend take care of them. Second, from now on, drive your own car to work.

That's exactly what she's doing. She's attempting to beat down your self-esteem in order to control you.

You can't win arguments with people like that, so don't even try. Just try not to engage her in arguments. As someone said, "take the Toyota and put the dogs in the kennel." Of course, that may start a whole new argument, but that's a chance you have to take.

P.S. How on earth is she racking up $600 a month in "car expenses"?

you dont have to do it, if you cant afford it, but in all of this, this is probably what she is saying to you.

If they're yours alone, I think boarding them needs to be your default position.

As for the car, I'd drive whichever car was mine.