Just found out that my Uncle used my Grandmother like an ATM for the past 15 years

Being a lawyer by training, Grandma thought he would be the best executor of her estate.

So he was given the job after Grandpa died. Mind you, Grandpa was a career Colonel in the US Army, a Dutch Reformed Chaplain who served in WWII and Korea. But I digress.

So ever since he was given executorship, he proceeded to pay rent and buy food, using my Grandma's bank account to pay bills, and eventually he took out an Equity line of credit on her house.

He was a tennis teacher, but his main source of income turned out to be Grandma - without her knowing about it.

We always wondered how he paid $1500 rent a month on a Tennis teacher's salary. Sure, he had passed the bar and had gone to Hastings Law - but he had no desire to work for a living. Why do that when you can use Grandma as an ATM?

Soon before Grandma died, my Aunt smelled something fishy and told my dad, who took over power of attorney. He looked into the accounts and found this out.

Sidetrack: My Aunt had no money, but her hope was that she could buy a small house from her inheritance. She and Grandma talked about this regularly, and $300K was set aside for this. That money became rent and food money for my Uncle instead most likely in the 1990's at some time. When her brother, my dad, told her what had happened to the money, she died soon after. As my dad put it "A light went out at the end of her tunnel."

Soon after my Aunt died, my Grandma died. No doubt, one led to the other. No parent should have to bury their own children.

I am shaking with anger as I write this. There is nothing one can do - my Grandmother, on her eventual deathbed - had made my dad promise he would never tell the police.

Sigh - my Uncle just betrayed my entire family. Ask me anything.

What a horrible situation.

I think your dad should tell the police. Your Uncle stole from the lady he was supposed to be helping.

I am so sorry to hear this.

And the lesson? Besides being careful who you trust: Give the money to your family while you are alive, and can see them enjoy it. My in-laws did this, and their gifts enriched all of us.

:hug:

But Grandma is dead, and he believes in an afterlife...so what are you going to do?

He is a cop, both before and after retirement.

He was itching to put his brother away - and I think he deserved it.

-------------------------------------------------


But deathbed promises can make a man do the wrong thing.

Thing is - so many in my family could have benefited from this money.

My Aunt could have bought that home in Pueblo.

Grandma could have gone into assisted care like she wanted, but didn't have the money there when the time came.

My cousin could have bought a trailer to live in (trust me, this would be an upgrade from his current environs.

Nobody, just nobody, should be inflicted with such a thing.

It always does horrible things to the living.

Whether they follow it or not.

Nor would I follow any - unless they were good things

"Keep that small puppy," for example - that's a keeper.

that deathbed promise was made out of kindness - but it should not be binding - that uncle is a CRIMINAL

And to boot, Uncle still got his "cut" of the inheritance.

I do not know why, nor will my dad tell me.

It may have been a deal for him to get access to hard to get accounts.

I don't know.

-------------------------------------

This whole thing pisses me off to high heaven.

Yet there is very little I can do.

Because if he did not promise to tell them about any other crimes, your Dad should do some investigating. I would bet that your uncle has stolen from other people. A tennis teacher is in a good position to get to know some likely victims.

I am so sorry to hear of this situation. It is hard to find out anyone you know is a crook, especially when they are a relative.

family - sometimes they are the worst

Your granma probably knew. There is always a favorite. She was probably just helping him out. She loved him too much and did what she had to. Sorry that she couldn't see that others would suffer, but she probably thought y'all could take care of yourselves.

My mother doesn't have much, but my brother drains her dry every month. She gets pensions from my dad. We've kind of just thrown up our hands, cuz she and he won't change. she's 86.

he was bailing him out. really.

brother not only gone thru his inheritance, he has about worked thru other brothers and mine.

i dont see it as a favorite, but i do agree the parent feels the others can take care of self. whatever it is with the one sibling, he is just lost, cant help, cant do.

i heard a story not long ago that father bought this brother a car. asked to set up payments and brother flat out said

no, not paying back.

the guts, the audacity. lol

that was two decades ago and still hasnt stopped. but this was the last one. really. father is done.

You may not be able to do anything legally, but you can sure kick his ass out of the family forever. Hopefully he'll have to find a job to survive.

I have an uncle who has been doing the same thing. Luckily- even for him, though he'll never understand it- when my grandmother passes (which will be soon :( ) his sisters will have a level of control, legally, that my grandmother was never able or willing to exercise.

Lots of families have crazy shit like this. I could go on for weeks :evilgrin: Hang in there!

Sorry for your loss, Tav, but you did say to ask you anything.

My dad wouldn't do it, no matter how (very) tempting.

From your post:

my Grandmother

my Uncle

my Aunt

my dad, who took over power of attorney

$300K was set aside for this

*********

1) Legalities, legalisms, law RULE over ALL (the bottom line).

2) (Asking you anything) If your grandmother and your uncle carried on all the transactions WITHOUT a legal document (power of attorney), it was a GIFT from her to him. Period. You can surmise that he charmed and finaggled but if there is nothing written and contracted, it was between them.

3) Sounds like your Aunt asked your grandmother for stuff orally and nothing came of it, unlike like with your Uncle.

4) Powers of attorney are NOT "taken over." A power of attorney is GRANTED, signed for, and legally witnessed by a MENTALLY COMPETENT/AWARE grant-OR (your grandmother) to a grant-ee (your father).

5) the 300K "set aside" sounds like your Aunt and your Grandmother talking/yakking (no legal document).


***********All of that said, each state has an Adult Protective Services investigating thing, mostly without a lot of jaws. What your scenario is alleging is FINANCIAL EXPLOITATION.

You don't mention ANYTHING about whether your Aunt and your Father EVER alleged MENTAL INCOMPETENCE on the part of your Grandmother. If there was any, somebody could/should have gone to court, with proof via psychiatrist. If she was NOT MENTALLY CAPABLE of making decisions, then your Uncle might be criminally culpable.

afterlife

deathbed promises

could have

like she wanted

very little I can do

not be able to do anything legally

will have a level of control, legally

my grandmother was never able or willing to exercise.


**************

1) All the fuzzy emotional language: afterlife, deathbed promises, like she wanted ---are ALL emotionally pitiful and tugging at everybody's heartstrings, but in the real world LEGAL stuff is what bakes the biscuits.

2) "like she wanted" - did she TELL you and everybody WHAT SHE WANTED?!1 Did she PUT IT IN WRITING WITH WITNESSES WITH A LAWYER?!1 Oh. No. Apparently not.

3) "not able to do anything legally" - If there was a legal document - a Power of Attorney, a Guardianship, a set of POLICE REPORTS - YES, there are things that COULD be done legally. If there are NONE of these, then you can still make a police report and leave it to them to INVESTIGATE with NOT A WHOLE LOT TO GO ON. And they will probably DROP everything because there AIN'T A WHOLE LOT TO GO ON!1

4) "will have a level of control, legally" - somebody is going to have power NOW when they didn't BEFORE?!1 Is that because of a LEGAL INSTRUMENT called a WILL?!1 So they couldn't do anything BEFORE.

5) Here's the TOTAL KEY POINT: "my grandmother was never ABLE or WILLING to exercise". There are TWO different issues there. If she wasn't ABLE (mentally) then somebody could have tried for GUARDIANSHIP based on mental incompetence. If she wasn't WILLING (while BEING COMPETENT) then NOBODY could challenge her.

I've been a bit worried lately because one family member who is 77 has power of attorney for our old auntie who is 87. The one who is 77 has been making all sorts of comments to me about how frail and incompetent the auntie is. Really denigrating remarks. Such as how auntie should just check into the health center of the retirement home for her "last days."

Well, I think auntie is doing pretty well! I never see any sign of loss of mental acuity. And physically she's very active.

I hate to say it, but *someone* may be looking forward to getting her hands on the estate. Some money, lots of family heirlooms. She got her hands on another auntie's estate about twenty years ago and basically hoarded everything -- even things that everyone knew were to be handed down to others.

No one has challenged this. But I guess I'm going to have to stick up for auntie and watch what's happening.

based on allegations of mental incompetence. Mental acuity is what rules, not "physical activity."

"denigrating remarks" are verbal/emotional abuse (allegations by you).

The "someone" (with the Power of Attorney?) is being alleged (by you) to be finacially exploiting.


All of those things are reportable to your state's Adult Protective Services unit.



The way you "stick up" is to REPORT.

1) Posing a problem situation can mean: a) I just want to VENT, just want to have a pity party and DON'T REALLY want to DO anything. or b) I will ACT on great advice/counsel.

2) There is ALWAYS something-that-CAN-be-DONE. If #1), (above) is NOT the objective.

Git-R-Done or some such shenanigans?

If not, you're under no moral obligation to keep your father's promise. He just said HE would never tell the police, he never promised that he and everyone else would remain silent. I say go ahead and tell the authorities yourself.

That would be a way to get around that.

I am assuming that your grandmother has just recently passed. How long do you think it will take for your father's numbness at his mother's death to fade, and his common sense to kick back in, so that you can speak to him about performing some act that will bring justice to your uncle? If the family does not act, in my humble but sadly also informed opinion, this betrayal will poison the family until everyone concerned also passes on. It may also not end once everyone involved has passed. I am so sorry to hear this. Good luck.

We just went through something somewhat similar, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the anger. I know it's not good for me, but with a betrayal of this magnitude, how do you just get over it and move on? Very, very difficult.

I agree with the poster above me who speculates that your Dad might think better of his promise in time. Unlikely perhaps, but possible. I only wish we had some legal recourse open to us - I'd jump at it!

This is a hell of a thing -- I'm really sorry your family is going through it.

I am not sure what good that is going to do. Since the grandmother is dead, she can not testify whether she allowed him to pay rent, etc.

It was her money that was stolen by her son and as she didn't want him to get in trouble with the law over that, then who is to say otherwise? My guess is that your uncle is already feeling the pinch while trying to maintain the lifestyle he became accustomed to while he had access to his mother's money.

I am fuming

But I honor my Grandma's wishes

But that does not detract from my utter contempt for my Uncle

She never said "Forgive him"

She said "Don't prosecute"

my step-uncle did the same thing to my stepfather's father, milked him dry and then when my mother caught on and threatened to call the cops...they kidnapped the old man to upstate NY...right out of the hospital...and sued for POA so they could conceal the financial records. Then when Grandpa died and there was no money for inheritance, my aunts had been accounting on that money, my uncle's wife (he was battling lung cancer and died soon after) blamed us for stealing from Grandpa. (There is still bad blood in my family over this, but 10 years out I think everybody has figured out who was actually lying.)

My advice...call the police. It creates a formal record, just know that it won't do any good...as executor (I'm presuming he had POA as well) he pretty much has carte blanche to manage the affairs of the estate as he sees fit....including bleeding it dry.

My consolation was that I have a large bladder, waterproof dancing shoes and Uncle Edward's buried in a lightly-guarded public cemetery. It's not much consolation.

Me - not so much so - but my Aunt and Cousin could have used it.

But my Uncle has always been a selfish fuckwad, and he's on his own now. That fact, makes me happy.

Does your uncle know that the whole family now knows? Just because your father promised your grandmother to not call the cops doesn't mean y'all can't make your uncle sweat for a few weeks...or how ever long it takes for him to grow a conscience and find a way to apologize for what he did.

where I live it's called a beatdown