Have trouble letting stuff go? Me too. I think I'm going to try writing.

I grew up with a mother who was schizo-affective... possibly bi-polar as well. I really was particularly traumatized by it, as her outbursts came completely without warning. I never had any idea what she would get angry about next. Then came the screaming, and the disgust, and the nastiness. I've worked hard to overcome it - but here I am, nearly 34 years old, and still hear it in my head. What's even worse - I hear myself thinking (and saying) some of these same things when I have to get on to my son.

I don't really consider myself emotionally abused, but then again, by the textbook definition, I probably was. And abuse is a vicious cycle. So you see why I feel a need to get a handle on it before I become just like her.

So - in an effort to 'put it away' - I am going to try writing anecdotes as they come to me. Maybe once they're in written form I can let go. Here's a short one - comment or don't - whatever you feel appropriate.

Note: I am writing in the dialect that was spoken in my house - It's the way I hear it in my head. It will be pronounced just like it looks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember one particular time that Mother was ridiculous with regards to how good of a kid I actually was. I had been down the street to visit Alyshia and ride bikes with her. When I got there, I saw her across the street in the neighbors’ yard. Apparently, the parents had offered her money to stay and look after the young kids while they made a trip to the store. Not long after I got there, she got called to come inside for dinner. She asked if I would stay until the parents got back. I was glad to.

I had been there less than a half-hour when the parents pulled up in their gray Dodge Prospector. I explained to them that Alyshia had been called to dinner, so I stayed until they got back. The parents were quite grateful, and handed me fifteen dollars - a ten and a five. I went back home, jazzed that I got money for what amounted to ‘hanging out’ with the neighbor kids.

After I excitedly told Mother what had happened, she snatched the money out of my hand. “What did you do that for?!?” I whined. She replied, in her nasal disgusted tone, “I don’t know what-choo did to get it, but you was doing something you wudn’t s’post to be a-doin’.”

I was dumbfounded. I pled my innocence, but nothing would get through her skull. Luckily my dad came to my rescue:

“Good Lord Margret! - What do you think he was doin’ – dealin’ DRUGS?”

“I don’t know what he was doin’ – but I know they ain’t nobody gonna pay a kid like that!”

“Just because you wouldn’t do it dudn’t mean somebody else wouldn’t!”

Mother stomped into the dining room threw the sweaty wad of cash in the floor. “There’s your money,” she said, insincerely.

I honestly, to this day, have no idea what she thought I did to get that fifteen dollars. After that, I felt guilty for taking it – even though I did a nice thing and was rewarded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Obviously - when viewed out of context it doesn't seem that bad. But this happened 4-5 times a week - and the subject matter was all over the place. It could be anything from how I was loading the dishwasher, to not believing I had band practice after school, to micromanaging the way I played the piano. I've gotta let this stuff go.

Anyway - thanks for reading. You guys are great.

I suffer from clinical depression and was at one point very much suicidal. I wrote poetry and it was like taking medication; it was that effective.

Sorry to hear about your mom. Mentally unstable parents can be just as scaring as abusive parents. Have you considered therapy? It really does work.

I just never have done it. I think a mild anti-depressant would help. I'm not too far gone, but just enough below balanced to cause some problems.

I did only because I was so far gone. And now I'm so dependent on it that I cannot go more than a few hours past pill time without having severe withdrawals.

Exercise, diet and therapy can greatly improve your mood and attitude. You can also try taking 5-HTP as a dietary supplement if your doc says it's okay. It promotes the production of serotonin in small amounts. Acts like a mild antidepressant.

... is a list of goals for your interactions with your son. It sounds sort of silly, but just writing down your guiding principles can help keep you from falling into the patterns of interaction you grew up with.

Sounds like it was her baby-sitting money.

She probably would have split it with you for
taking over for the last leg....

There must be some reason I didn't do that. I can't remember why.

from here it sounds like you stole the money, or at least part of the money, from the babysitting job

maybe it sounded that way to your mom as well


your mom had a disease of the brain, you can't really argue logic with a disease so going over the past might just make you feel sad about all the wasted time

It sounds like your mother's mental disorder caused you to be confused about who you were. Accepting that she had a disorder and that her responses to your behavior were skewed because of it, is an important step. A trained therapist can help you with these memories and help you to change your feelings or clear up confusion about the event. I agree that a supplement like 5htp can help your own chemistry. But I also think a low dose of an antidepressant can help too, you don't want to combine the two though and mind your liver. Good luck with letting this stuff go.

May I suggest you try Al Anon, or Adult Children of Alcoholics if it's in your area?

Both helped me a lot.