How do you mend a broken heart?

What is the average amount of time before the hurt goes away?

What do you do to make you feel better?

Just looking for ideas before I lose my mind.

really helps :hug:

It just seems that the time isn't going fast enough.

Thanks for the hugs

:hug:

My favorite is "There's plenty of fish in the airhead sea."

"Boyfriends/girlfriends are like buses, one around every corner."

"Grass is greener......"

blah blah

you get the point.

Even if they don't help today, they will tomorrow. :)

Being a 40...blah blah blah something mother of three children (albeit AWESOME children) I'm not really in high demand in the dating game.

I didn't grasp the gravity of the situation at first. You can go hopeful:

"Time heals all things." "It's always darkest....."

or you can go revenge:

"Time wounds all heels."

Good luck, I'll hold a good thought for you. :)

I'm hoping hate and rage takes over soon.

... might be very interested in a woman who has children.

Lots of people are interested in computers. Children are vastly more sophisticated than computers.

The ass who broke my heart was a school psychologist.

it's getting to the point where you can be yourself again
it's getting to the point where we can almost make amends

I think ....
it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part.

Thanks

I thought they were appropriate. :)

By the way, don't worry about being out of demand because of your three children. I don't think that would bother a good man in our age range.

I've thought about this a good deal over the last year, and when I'm ready to date again, I think I would prefer a woman with children. Being a Dad is such a huge part of who I am; I just think a woman with children would understand me better.

Obviously, I'm a fan of BNL (with Steven Page...now not so much).

The idea of dating again is scary. I wish you the best. :)

Forty is the new thirty. Or twenty.

Just remember, lotsa 20-somethings fantasize about a 40's BNL!!

:hug:

Bake

Where are those 20-somethings?

:hug:

Depending upon the length of the relationship, most emotionally healthy people will grieve the end of a relationship for several months.

If you don't mind the extremely high risk of devastation, - there's always a rebound relationship.

And since duct tape doesn't really work, I recommend just giving in to the urge to cry and be sad.

:hug:

I noticed your post and thought "that's exactly what I'd say". And my favorite old saying is "You can only experience joy to the extent that you experience sorrow". As far as being 40 something, I know plenty of people in that age range who've found THE "one" that they thought they'd already found and lost! Don't let the so-called "statistics" fool you.

You are right. I really wouldn't mind a rebound right now. Feeling unloved and unwanted sucks.

:hug:

I originally heard this was from Gloria Steinem but she gave credit to an Australian educator/journalist/politician Irina Dunn who later confirmed Steinem's version of events, in January 2002:

"Yes, indeed, I am the one Gloria referred to. I was paraphrasing from a phrase I read in a philosophical text I was reading for my Honours year in English Literature and Language in 1970. It was 'A man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle'. My inspiration arose from being involved in the renascent women's movement at the time, and from being a bit if a smart-arse. I scribbled the phrase on the backs of two toilet doors, would you believe, one at Sydney University where I was a student, and the other at Soren's Wine Bar at Woolloomooloo, a seedy suburb in south Sydney. The doors, I have to add, were already favoured graffiti sites."

Okay maybe none of this is pertinent to your problem but if it diverted your attention for a second or even made you smile then it was worth the effort.

I'm sorry. I don't know your situation but I do know that many men are bastards. I've got a good one so I know its possible but I also know how long it took me to find him.

And speaking of cliches (that are SOOOO appropriate) "You gotta kiss a lot of frogs....."

Thanks for the diversion, it worked for a moment. :)

What was this strange contraption that had settled to the seabed? Gaining her confidence, she swam nearer, inspecting its gears and spokes. Eventually, she discovered she could shelter underneath the seat when predators were around. In happier times, she enjoyed darting in and out of the spokes of its wheels.

No, the fish did not *need* her bicycle. But she was, nonetheless, glad that she had one.

Into each life, some rain must fall...

This song always picked me up after a love disaster....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPe3CD4d6G0

Thanks :)

(And its true...)

:hi:

:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzitOsxKJNY

Sid

:thumbsup:

:thumbsup:

you feel great soon!

you move on or you don't

that's about it

that is what I'm hoping. heh.

You are awesome!

According to Burt Bacharach, anyway.
http://www.mp3lyrics.org/b/burt-bacharach/only-love-can-break-a-heart/

Time, I'm afraid.
Just the passing of hours and days.
I'm sorry.

Time passes so slowly.

:hug:

Sometimes, not so long.
The support of friends help. Just sayin'...
:hug:

I do have great friends. I wished they lived closer though.

:hug:

I miss you! :hug:

Miss you too. :yourock:

Charlotte on Sex and the City....for every year you were together, you need a month. Or something like that.

My advice...everytime you think of him pinch yourself hard and remind yourself that life is short and you can't waste it feeling sad. Seriously, only your thoughts make you sad...so change your thinking.

Except I bruise easily. Hahahahahaha

You'll have physical evidence...evidence that you can see of what you are doing to yourself. Look at your bruised up arm and say to yourself: this is what I am doing to my soul every time I think unhappy thoughts. Not just your soul.

There is scientific evidence that thoughts and emotions effect the cells of your body. It's important to not repress your emotions so you can feel bad at first, cry, scream whatever. But some people like to wallow. They keep replaying the same old sad tapes through their minds. You do more damage to your physical self with sadness (anger, fear, worry, etc.) than the bruises which will heal quickly. When a person realizes they pay a huge price for their negative emotions, they will take responsibility for them instead of saying things like..."I can't help the way I feel." Of course you can...you choose your thoughts which determine your emotions.

this last summer. I think I am just now completely over it. BUT - the gut wrenching pain will subside much sooner than that. After 30 days you will significantly better, it will still hurt but will be manageable. This is what helped me:

- Have one good friend who you can talk to at any time, for a million hours and they never get tired of listening.
- Herbal remedies - I was taking Valerian Root for anxiety, then when it subsided St Johns Wort for depression. Multivitamins too.
- BOOKS - I cant tell you how many break up books I read, here is the thing - they really help!!! I was so against any stupid, self help book but it really helps to see how bad off others were and they got through it. Go to the library and check all of them out.
- Give yourself an allotted time to completely do nothing but be miserable, then when that time is up FORCE yourself to do as many normal things as you can. I cant tell you how many times I was out with friends and in the bathroom crying, but looking back that is what helped me to get better.

I know you hate to hear this but a lot of it is time, but you have to do certain things during that time to speed it along. I got through it and trust me - I did not believe it was possible. I just knew I would be forever heartbroken.

I have many friends who put up with my nonsense. Mostly online, but still. I cherish them.

I have pills for depression and anxiety. They do help very much.

I so want to find a book to read. Not so much about breaking up, but something I can escape into.

I hope I can go out soon. Not many local friends.

Time sucks...it can slow down to an unbearable pace. Though I'm beginning to think I may just possibly be ok eventually.

I hope :hug: :loveya: :hi:

:hug: :hi:

the hurt seems forever.. but eventually I was like, "hey, this doesn't hurt as much.."
finding another help pass time..

wanting to find another and not wanting at all.

Or, rather, YOU don't. Somebody else does it for you.

Believe it or not, before you know it, he'll be along. Hopefully, when the time comes, you'll recognize him for who he is.

In the meantime, with regard to the now gone guy, whoever he was, keep reminding yourself that it is his loss and not yours. And before long you will know that this is true, and not just something that you tell yourself to get through a couple of lonely nights. They'll be over soon enough.

In the meantime, rediscover yourself as your own best friend. I'm sure that you're worth it. Your kids are too.

Thank you for the kind words. I know deep down that you speak the truth, but it's just so damn hard at the moment.

I'll get there eventually.

There is no average time. Things take how long they take.

Rediscover yourself and what makes you happy. Oh, I might be heading to your state again this summer.

I really should start drawing again.

Cool that you are coming to NY. Where are you going?

...I drum when I'm feeling good, and I really drum when I'm bummed out or pissed off.

Get some bongos and beat em, that's my advice. (Although a full drum kit is even better.)

Best wishes to you.

And, btw, I know, someday, you will be happier than you've ever been before...

All I have is a Rock Band drum set. LoL. I could smack that for awhile.

Thanks.

;)

What the hell is j-b weld?

:hug:

If you can't fix something with JB Weld, Duct Tape, and/or bailing wire, it ain't fixable :P



I hope you feel better soon.

:hug:

I won't ever even put my heart out there again. Not worth it.

I hope you feel better soon. :(

I'm not broken-hearted right now, but boy, I sure know what you mean. I think when I am around other people, not being a major people-person, sometimes makes it better for a few hours at a time, and then it's just letting the tears out now and then when the urge comes and it is safe to cry.

Hot baths, saunas, naps . . . . walks in the fresh air, music and singing real loud along with your favorite songs, well, it would help me anyway.

I just recently (like tonite) got a message from someone I thought had broke my heart awhile back, but only in the more shallow way that you get when you think you have just found a new romance and then get dumped on your butt -- not very used to that! Not that it never happens.

Anyways, I cried real hard over that fellow and realized it wasn't him I was crying over at all, really. So he calls tonite while I am sitting there by the phone in a non-answering mode and being happy that it no longer twists my guts up to hear his voice.

And he doesn't get to know how he affected me because it was not really about him.

It was just one of those god-damned things that I asked God why the hell I had to experience it.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't mean to be trite here, just a little tongue-in-cheek.

; )

I hope to get there someday.

Thank you.

When I was 19, I had a fiancé that was one of the sweetest guys in the whole world that I had a lesbian affair so I could make him go away, hurt him all at once rather than stretching it out over kids and years. I'm 46, almost 47 now. I never made another one-on-one relationship connection after that.

So, uh, never I guess.

:hug:

Sometimes it doesn't mend. For me, it is what it is. The world is so much less without him in it.

I'm so very sorry.

:hug:

:hug:
:hug:
:grouphug:

Our hearts break in different ways for different reasons, but the pain is the same.

my usual remedy is a lot of alcohol. As for a timetable? I still carry the hurt, and from time to time it comes to surface, but I do my best to deal with it.

Believe me...

I'm not sure that there is an average time. Just when I think it's getting better, memories come back, and it's all right there again. Makes me want to get a voluntary lobotomy or something. So -- can't answer that, I'm afraid.

Some things I do to try to ease it - watch lots of comedy on Hulu or TV. Work hard around the house -- I'm getting ready to move halfway across the country, so there's no lack of stuff to do. Walk long distances. Just anything to distract me, it seems to help.

Alcohol is a mixed blessing, I've found. At first, it does seem to ease things. Unfortunately, it's not long before that's not so much the case, so I try to alternate by chugging a lot of vitamin water as well. Someone suggested Valerian Root, I think I'll try that as well.

Take care. This thread has helped me, really. I think one thing that does help is knowing that others have the same feelings and we're not alone out here. And it's true, you WILL find someone worthwhile. I don't doubt that for a minute. :hug:

And thank you for sharing your story. This thread has really helped me a lot too.

Funny, I just said to a friend the other day that I needed a lobotomy. Heh.

:hug:

1) Duct tape
2) No set time
3) Lots of promiscuous sex and alcohol

Your mileage may vary

Any particular color duct tape? Purple or should I stick with the healing properties of original silver?

Alcohol, I've got...promiscuous sex, not yet.

:)

But seriously, just start spending more time with friends. have fun. It helps.

I went through the worst thing of my life just last summer. I'm with someone new now and that has helped me so much. I love this new lady and I would like to marry her. I will never forget what the last one did to me. It was so bad that I almost resorted to suicide to get over the hurt. I pray that you're not suffering 1/10th what I was feeling. I was so lost. It's been about 8 months now, and I'm able to hold my head high and tell the ex that I have nothing for her any more, and there's no reason for her to contact me any further. She has been trying to get me back ever since she found out that I am with someone new. She screwed up big time, and she knows it. Just give yourself time sweetness. You're attractive and bright. You should have no trouble meeting new people. That more than anything else reinforced that I was still a good person and worth while. She made me believe that I was the most vile piece of garbage on the planet and for a few months, I believed her. Write me anytime you want to vent...

E-Bat

Sorry that you went through all that. Today was the first day I felt almost normal. I think venting last night and reading everyone's stories really helped me.

I'm lucky that I have a great family and friends who love me very much. My kids keep me going when I'm at my darkest.

Glad to hear you found someone new who appreciates you for your wonderful self.

Thanks

:hug:

And with the support of people who care :loveya:

Don't think I don't know that. :)

:loveya:

:hug: :loveya:

I had a nasty breakup last year, in fact almost exactly a year ago, and I spent a good bit of that first week just listening to angry and depressive music, over and over and over again. Not upbeat stuff - but seriously the most awful sappy depressive break-up music you can think of. Seems like that would make it worse, but it didn't. I had almost a physical craving for it.

And then I reminded myself that I had a household to run and individuals who depended on me, and their needs outweighed one person whom I had to kick out of my life (and it did help that I was the dumper and not the dumpee, but only marginally). So after a few days I was able to go about my life again and at least be functional, though certainly not pain-free or at peace; *that* took a few more months. Had two very close friends who stuck by me pretty much through the whole thing and helped tremendously.

And then wonder of wonders early this year, I kinda reconciled with the guy. Not in any significant sense, but just to be on speaking terms again. And it will never go beyond speaking terms, because I made that mistake once, and won't make it again - but having talked out some of the issues and misunderstandings on both our parts, that did help bring the matter to some closure.

That last step isn't necessary, though, for a healing. Just start with the music.

Unfortunately at work I have to listen to that sappy depressive break-up music. The first week was torture, but yesterday I found myself singing along. In the car, I listen to heavy f-u music which is great. LoL. I find it easier not to listen to a lot of my favorites at the moment. Music was a big factor in our relationship. He lives for music.

I do have a household to run and it is falling apart. I'm lucky that I have a decent ex-husband who is really helping to take care of the kids while I nurse my wounds. I know deep down that this asshole doesn't deserve the time that this is taking away from my having a functional life. It's just waiting for my heart to realize it.

Thanks

My advice, FWIW- keep busy! This distracts you while time does it's healing thing.

Volunteer somewhere. Make a list of books and movies you want to enjoy, and start plugging away. Find some tv shows you thought looked cool but never watched- everything is better marathon style! :)

Volunteer somewhere, or take a class. Get your CNA certification so you can get paid for spending a couple hours a day with people who really, really need the help. Local humane society or ASPCA? Love volunteers. Or you could foster shelter dogs in your own home....

it boils down to two things: 1) learn something; and or 2) help someone (or some animal).


Of course, that's just what works for me. YMMV :toast:

Best of luck, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

I just need to get motivated. Heh.

Thanks

to say all that than it is to do it. Hang in there :hug:

if they don't come back, track them down and kill it.

:)

Keep in mind I didn't read any of the other replies.

The only thing that REALLY helps is time. Lots of it. My husband left me about a year and a half ago. I was with him since we were 19 and we have 4 kids together. The first month I realized it was over is a total blur. There is nothing you can do to make it better right off the bat. The only thing that helped me was to try to get my mind off of it by talking with others. But that wasn't always helpful - even people that love you and mean well can say horrible and hurtful things when you are grieving a relationship. For me, joining a support group was invaluable. Just knowing there are others going through the same thing, where you can openly share you story without judgment helped immensely. Still, it was months and months before I could even sleep normally. I just started turning off the TV at night. Seriously, it was the strangest thing, before I could never sleep with the TV on, and after, I couldn't sleep with it off. There are lots of things like this that happen...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you need to talk you can PM me anytime.

:hug:

how old/grown up/mature you are, etc.
What was devastating to me when I was 25 ( I thought I would NEVER love again) was not as painful 10 years later
( I knew I would survive because I had been thru the first and roughest broken heart stage).
And after all the wailing and tears and anger and revenge fantasies and wearing out record after record of sad songs, I lived long enough to realize what a blessing it was to have "lost" that person because well past the age of 40, I found Mr. d, and found out what grown up love is all about.

And, the above is exactly what I told my grown son when his heart got very broken. Sure enough, he was willing to trust the process and now has found the person he is supposed to be with, "just as you promised me it would happen, Mom".

The great thing about finding love after 40 is all the experience you bring into the relationship.

May not feel like it now, but the guy did you a favor by getting out of your life. You will see that, down the road.
Meanwhile, lots of loud music, focus on today and tomorrow, catch yourself when you start to mope about the past,
and do something for someone else, that really does help, to keep busy and keep your mind off the past.
One day you realize you have not been mentally in the past, not focusing on an absent person, that you are living in the NOW...it is a nice discovery.

Better yet, one day down the road, you realize how lucky you were not to be with that person, the realiztion of that is quie liberating.

Here is a song that helps:

I will Survive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtIKTW85e5Q

And I know I am better off without him. Like I said to someone else, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head.

Thanks

even though I've been married twice since she pulled the stupid shit she did.

I even tried checking out with pills and alcohol a week after she left.

I'm not saying I'm not happy, or that I haven't had the greatest times of my life SINCE she left, but for me she will always be The One That Got Away.

:hug:

:)

Let's see if I remember correctly,

Beautiful, intelligent, good sense of humor.

And you're worried about what he did?

I'd look at what new adventures lie ahead.

You'll always be a mom and your kids will always have a dad.

Time for a new you.

That's very nice of you to say.

I don't know why one asshole's rejection makes one forget all the good things in life. So stupid.

Medicine is fine for fun and profit

But chasing away your own personal ghosts, it doesn't work

I'm watching my use of "medicine". It dulls the pain, but brings it's own as well.

R = (x + l)^b - (A - G)^w

where R is recovery time

x = months dated
l = how many time said I love you
b = base you got to
A = How many time he was an asshole
G = how many gifts he got you
w = penis size.

(I just made this up, so it's still got bugs lol)