DUer's who have severed family ties...

How did you do it? Was it a quick decision one day or was it a slow process over the years? Was it a good decision or something you regret?

I am very curious for personal reasons.

Long time coming--I'd known her for almost 40 years. Then, after about 18 months, when I'd decided
perhaps I should back off, we started casual e-mailing again. (I had blocked her). Then she decided
to friend request me on fb. Uh oh. So I agreed. Bad decision. About 2 months ago I unfriended her and
blocked her e-mails. I'm not going to change my mind this time.

I continue to communicate with my brother occasionally. He initiates contact. I'm in touch with 3 of their 5 kids and in fact 2 of them, along with a fiance, are joining us at the beach for Memorial Day.

Yes, politics is part of it. Both my brother and his wife are right wing Repubs. He's about money
and she's about--who knows? She claims to be a Christian, but social justice is not a priority to her.

She reminds me so much of my mother, with whom I never had a good relationship, that it's scary. She's opinionated and domineering and feigns sweetness. Drives me nuts to be around her for more than a couple of hours. Thank goodness they now live in CA and I no longer have to see them.

I'm trying to decide if I am being rational or if my emotions are getting in the way. This has gone on for far too many years.

My brother drank himself to death at 35 and left a wife and 3 children. Then my Dad died....and he didn't change his will...so the 3 kids were entitled to the 50% of my Dad's estate.

Hard feelings flew....but I paid them their share, eventually, after many letters and a re-fi on the house...we pay a much higher interest rate, but hey, I get to see the family....and NOW....I love my nieces and my nephew and my sister-in-law to death...along with my great nieces and nephews.

FAMILY is number 1. I've learned this.

Really think about your decisions...you only live once.

That is all of my advice. :-)

should be number 1.

My story is in your inbox.

totally different story...sorry

It's a situation that's ongoing.

I had to learn it the hard way. Fortunately, we all patched things up and we're a close family again. When I know I'm going to see one of my brothers or sisters on the weekend, I count the days.

for the sake of my own family. they were toxic and I just could no longer expose my kids to them. I have not regretted even once doing so.

When no respect is given to my wishes then it might be time to do something drastic.

got along quite well for many years, then the church took over her mind and she started in on me about how bad I was and I turned her son against her ( I didn't, he still visits her, but not every day like she wants). My daughter was also the brunt of her vicious tongue and she has nothing to do with her either. She then told his sisters that I attacked her and they believed her so we are not speaking either. I feel I am better off without them because they all live for drama and gossip.:eyes:

I've thought for quite some time that this is the route it was headed and now I think it will finally happen.

I could have written that.

lie to make themselves look the victim.:shrug: Oh well life does go on.

were standing over my grave...that was it.

This person pushed it right up to the end. When I said "There will be no more of that
kind of talk"...she knew it was over and even though she made a couple feeble attempts
to communicate...never went anywhere.

Great decision...Mental cruelty is ABUSE.


Tikki

It always has been.

My siblings pretty much the same after they were old enough to get out of the house. My mother finally divorced him in 72 or 73.

and quite a few of the outlying members too.

But there were too many bad memories for me to bother trying.

As far as I know he's still alive, I would have heard by now if not.

yet I think it might be for the best in the long run.

And I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

It was a slow process and nothing dramatic. I just decided that I wasn't going to make the effort to keep the relationship going, and clearly they weren't either since they never got in contact with me again.

It was painless and frankly, unless you are into the drama aspect of a confrontation, just begin to walk away. De-friend them on facebook, don't reply to their emails or just delete them or even block them. Get caller ID and don't return the call. If they do manage to get through somehow, or you see them randomly like at a grocery store, just be bland and terse. "Been so busy, sorry". Then look purposefully at your watch and leave.

Honestly, a peaceful and uneventful transition.

A caveat: I have no idea if my severed family ties will ever re-generate. I don't expect so. I believe we're all crystal clear on how we all stand but by doing it this way, the door still is (faintly) open if any of them want to step through. Without a dramatic confrontation, you do leave yourself open to the possibility that these family members will make contact again.

Once you realize blood is NOT thicker than water, and you owe no allegiance to genetically related people who do not share your interests or values or needs, you can distance yourself in the most effective way possible.
Some family members you can just stop dealing with and there will be little notice on their part.
Some will cling and whine and guilt trip you, that has to be handled differently, gradually perhaps.
Some will become attacking and accusatory.
Obviously those are not healthy people and you would not put up with that behavior from strangers, right?

Me, I moved. First across the state,then across the country. Never looked back.

Over the years I found there this is a very common situation, btw.

and I tend to fall for every guilt trip thrown at me. Whatever is done will be noticed and will be hard on everyone around.

I don't regret it for one second.

They were mentally abusive all of my life. I suffered with severe depression, anxiety attacks, bad body image, general low self-esteem, and who knows what else since early childhood because of their constant taunts and jibes. It was an all out war growing up in that family.

When I met my husband (Zodiak), he opened my eyes to how not normal that kind of family interaction is. After one visit that got physically abusive, I left and never spoke to them again. After Zodiak and I got married, one of my uncles tried to run me over with his car and threatened to "bust my jaw" because I told my grandmother that I was no longer going to put up with their abuse after a confrontation in Walmart. That was the moment I knew I made the right decision.

I had moments of guilt, but that was due to the dysfunction that I thought was normal. My family never let outsiders in. Only one of the 5 kids are married, and they only accept him because he has money. I've been through therapy and had to deal with grief of losing an entire part of my family, but I am a happier and healthier human because of mt decision.

I wish you all the best in your decision. You're not alone.

:hug:

but sometimes the healthy thing to do... know that you have every right to be happy and healthy and not abused or disrespected by anyone (even family, especially family)

it can be a very healthy thing to say enough is enough! I don't want this in my life anymore. You must determine how you want your life to be and make it that way...

I severed all ties with my grandma a year and a half ago and I don't regret it. She was toxic on my family and I had enough.

I don't regret it and I don't even think about it. Since she didn't give a damn about me, why should I give a damn about her?

"Just because they're your blood doesn't mean you have to talk to them."

Nor does it mean you have to feel affection for them, or have anything to do with them, if they are toxic and/or abusive.

He is a serial user of people.
Tested out genius level when he was young, and has used it to manipulate and hurt people all his life.

I'm convinced he had a hand in my cousins disappearance in the mid '60's, the police have no evidence, but they question him sometimes.

He abused my sister, and others...


A piece of shit, and I don't miss him.

Haven't spoken to said sister since mom passed away 5 years ago.
She took over moms bank accounts, drained them and got a 75% cut of what was left (75 to her 25 to my 2 brothers and I)

My kids inheritance was stolen...

Money is fucking evil, I'm convinced of this.

Drop em if they hurt you or yours, you'll be happier, I am.

It's amazing what it does to people.

Hey, I'm a bit guilty as well.

it is really the only way to maintain my sanity.

my kids and my husband who really didnt like him. i could do no less because it is husbands home too. and behavior so bad, a poor influence for kids. just no invites, so he wasnt around. i continued taking his calls.

his kids were getting in trouble and at the point of stolen credit cards, and stolen car, running away four states over..... all the family members making excuses for kids, courts letting them get away with it, we told them not allowed at the house

was hard. but i did it. the behavior went too far. no remorse. not going ot worry about things being stolen when they came over. and they were not going ot be a part of my kids peer group.

My mother was toxic, so I stopped living with her when I was 15. As there wasn't any money in it, she never once tried to contact me in the following decades. So when she was dying, they wanted to fly me across the country for a made-for-TV death bed reunion. I refused.

Also, a sociopathic sibling who has somehow avoided institutionalization - jail or mental asylum.

Kin or not, bad people are still bad. It's best to have them out of your life.

I'm crazy, I'm abusive, I'm basically everything that actually our parents were. But I'm over all their claims. I don't miss them and I'm sure they don't miss me.

The biggest pain in the neck actually is dealing with people who just assume that I have a family or a family at Christmas etc. And then if they are aware that we are "divorced" they get curious and I just don't wan to deal with that.

They sent letters, they sent B-day cards (at the same time they were trashing me among them) and I didn't respond to any of them. You have to know you're done and then stick with it. Make family members out of the people you do care about.

Forget the rest. You just can't change people.

After an incredibly screwed up childhood, I cut her off when she started firing racial abuse at my daughter. Some of my family members who objected were cut off too...including one of my sisters.

My mother was, and is, a toxic person. It's been 16 years, and I don't regret it one bit. She's still my mother, and I do still love and miss her, but the health of my children and family come first.

The only thing that I regret is that I should have done it years earlier. It would have saved me a great deal of grief.

I had to go away. Now, 50 yrs later, here I am.

Hi,
Will try to condense this. It was long time coming, I witnessed her treat my parents like crap for years, not even calling when my mom was in a serious accident and in the ICU for months. My parents still tried with her and I would always hear my Dad say I have not heard from your sister in 4 months, 5 months and so on. Keep in mind she lives less than two miles away from her parents. He would keep reaching out, and he would drag her into family invites for big gatherings. He finally stopped. Looking back the only time I ever heard from her was when she needed me to babysit or when she needed to "borrow" money. I made a New Year's resolution once to try to build a stronger relationship with her, that was met with indifference at the most. The process for me and both my parents was a slow one, over a period of 10-15 years. I do miss the kids, but they are adults and want nothing to do with anyone else in the family. She has been nothing but a person biologically related to me for 10 years if not more. Sorry, hard to condense this. I have read through the other stories and they are varied.

Good luck to you with whatever decision you make, and as always,
Peace

I contemplated it, but I never threatened it. It was the most painstaking decision I have ever made, but the day I made the decision I did it abruptly and thoroughly. I changed my phone number, home address, pulled down my web page and blog, changed my e-mail address, and cut off contact with everyone who was sympathetic towards my family including old friends. In other words, I went nuclear.

The regret I have is that my family was so disrespectful of my wife and I that they felt free to collectively try to destroy our marriage. I do not regret my actions. I regret that they are so hard hearted and unreasonable that I felt I had no sane option left to pursue. It was a good decision along the lines of cutting out a cancer. If something is slowly killing you, cut it out so you have a chance to survive.