Question regarding adoption

I'm hoping with this large a crowd, there will be a few who know a thing or two about adoption laws in the U.S.

(Ideally, I'm hoping there will be someone here from the state of Washington with some expertise in this area.)

My friend is female, 24 years old (about to turn 25), currently earns somewhere in the 25-30K range, heterosexual*, never been married and doesn't plan to get married. She could have children of her own, but wants to adopt instead.

She asked me today what I thought her chances were of being able to adopt, and I told her of this magical place known as the DU Lounge, where you can find an expert on just about anything.

(Wait, what the hell am I doing? She's a liberal -- I should have told her to register and ask herself! Oh well, when she gets back to work Monday, I'll show her this thread, and she'll see how cool everyone is, and she'll join DU right away.)

I realize there are better places to look for this answer than the DU Lounge, but maybe someone can help us with that, too -- let us know what the best resources are.

*Forgive me if the addition of this fact (that she is heterosexual) seems in any way to be a bigoted statement. It's not meant that way. I realize that the laws regarding homosexual adoptions are become much more progressive, but I included this mention of her sexual preference in order to provide as much pertinent information as possible.

"a county kid," and (2) I was a social worker for seven years. And I placed many a kid into adoptive homes. Your friend needs to check out her local county's rules. But, it has been my experience that your friend probably will have no trouble adopting. California, anyway, prohibits discrimination against either single parents or parents with a particular orientation. I had to get on the list for 'classes' like anyone else. I had to go through a different county than the one I worked for. After I finished classes (not hard, learning a little bit about the system, and socializing), I brought my home up to foster parent standards (you are technically a foster parent until the adoption finalizes). I took a chance in the sense that my daughter has just been taken into protective custody -- and I knew the process would take about a year to terminate BM's rights. I had faith, and I have had my daughter for 5-1/2 years (she is now 7-1/2), the most perfect child in the world. I took her when she was 2 (she remembers nothing before me and my hubby). The best thing I ever, ever did. Now, if you want to take less risk, like my friend, you can request only to take a child that is a baby or has been relinquished up front by BM (Birthmother). Or you can go private -- and overseas -- and that will be faster. Save yourself the trouble, in my opinion, going through what is called an FFA (Foster Family Agency). They are just added on baggage working through the County anyway -- may as well go through the County then. A whole range of possibilities and choices. Sit through a meeting with the County and then one who handles overseas adoptions (they cost). But she should not have a problem, at least according to my experience. I cannot advise as either a lawyer or a social worker employee now, obviously, but this has been my personal experience, and I can advise as a friend.

...(who just turned 4) was adopted. At the time we adopted we had to go through a home study, write a biography of our marriage as well as each of us writing an individual autobiography.

Of course we had to rob Peter to pay Paul to come up with the $$$$$.

The agency we adopted from allows gays and singles to adopt. It deals with both domestic and international adoptions. The only restriction that we ran into was that at my age when we started to pursue adoption, 44, there were some countries that wouldn't allow a parent over 45. With the wait time that would have put me over.

I can give a few pointers and some words of advice.

1. If you want to adopt, DO IT! There are MILLIONS of children worldwide and thousands here in the U.S. that need loving and nurturing families.

2. To further point #1, consider a domestic adoption.

3. Trust me that you will love that child as much as a child of your own blood. My wife and I can't imagine life without our son. We are even considering adopting a little sister for him!

4. If you adopt an ethnic chid, don't worry about a "Losing Isaiah" scenario. Our son's birth family is very respectful of our parentage (we have an open adoption where we attend a picnic every summer and send pictures and a letter on each birthday).

5. Grow a thick skin. People will say the STUPIDEST things to you without even intending to do harm or give offense. My favorite is "Don't you want to have one of your own?" We always say that he IS our own.

Finally, I can't help as far as laws in Washington. We adopted in a mid-atlantic state and now live in New England. I can tell you that adoption is the most wonderful thing I think a person can do.

Good luck to your friend and GOD bless her. She will be in my wife's and my thoughts and prayers!

I just correct 'em right then and there, like you do.
She was placed with us when I was 40! She is a major princess -- the center of our lives! I agree with 'get a thick skin.' That I had to have. My child was taken into protective custody, and for psychological and safety reasons, ours is not an open adoption. But I really respect you for the open adoption. I remember having all these fears -- all were without foundation. I'm her mother, her real mother, and we both understand that at the deepest level. One thing I have to say, when I used to drive around in the county van, I realized what a gift the children were, and how smart and beautiful they were. That's why Hubby and I were committed to a domestic adoption. One of my friends gave me the best tip. She said, "Just think of her BM as an in-law...an important part of her life...but not her Mom." I gotta say -- no worrying about the Losing Isaiah scenario. For one thing, counties nowadays make sure that all of the 'i's' are dotted, and the 't's' are crossed -- there is no doubt that proper procedures have been followed -- virtually no chance of the case being reopened. In fact, in over 30 years of DCS experience, my supervisor had never heard of a case. In the 'Baby Jessica' case, the courts and the counties were not properly involved -- it was not properly done from the beginning. No fears. I agree with MarianJack. Also, your kid begins to look exactly like you after awhile -- its amazing.

We are as bonded as can be. I explained it to her this way: "Sometimes the angels have to step in and find kids parents-for-life." She knows that she is a special kid, and she has very high self-esteem. I don't know if I'm saying this right, but never fear (tell your friend)! Go for it! You'll be a normal parent enjoying a normal wonderful life!

Your friend might be looking at as much as a hundred grand. Between what you've got to pay the lawyers and what you'll probably pay, in one way or another, to the prospective parent, she's in for it.

For the record, these days, apparently, even non-white children are hard to come by.

...and were told, "Uh, no Sir, it costs a hundred thousand dollars, and, um *cough* there aren't really any children left to adopt anymore *cough cough*."

Is that about how it went?

My beautiful daughter cost me $500. Add in the foster care pay I got for a year ($4,800), and we came out ahead, in terms of 'expense reimbursement' $4,300.

I think that foster kids who become eligible for adoption would probably be easist for her adopt. Many agencies do have certain rules or preferences for who they allow to adopt newborns, like married couples of a certain age. The single women who I have known who have adopted have either adopted foster children or went overseas.

are considered 'foster children' until the adoption is finalized (we call them 'fos-dopt' kids because it is the intent of the person/couple to adopt them. You are Mom and Dad from the very beginning, just the same.

First of all she needs to decide what path of adoption she wants to take. International or domestic, have a closed or open adoption through an agency or foster adopt through the state. If she decides to foster adopt she may want to check for agencies that work with the state or county instead of going through them directly. The state workers are overwhelmed and having the agency there on your behalf is great.

She will need to find an agency in her area and talk to them about her particular situation. Most agencies have no problem with a single person adopting a child. Most agencies also have orientation meetings where she could get a feel for those she will be working with. This is very important. Adoption can be a very tense, long process, you need a good agency for support. International and private adoption can be very costly.

There are some good books available too. I can't think of any titles right now, but I will post them later if I think of them. Also, lots of info available on the web, I will post some suggestions later.

Good luck to her. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask.

There are several adoption boards at:
http://parentsplace.com/messageboards

she can talk to other people planning on adopting, they have different forums for international, domestic, etc...

I'm 35 (36 later this month), unable to conceive, and I've thought about adopting later on in life, say around 42-45 (I want to finish a graduate degree first). One of my friends who adopted two children said that adoption agencies look down on potential adoptive parents being older.

Any insight about this?

They had no trouble with my placement -- and I was 40 years of age.

You may want to make some calls and talk to the agencies in your area, find out what their policies are. If you plan on private adoption where the birth parent picks the adoptive parent(s), it may be an issue that is important to her in her decision making. Therefore it can hurt your chances of adopting. Going through the county or the state, maybe a little easier.

One book that I first read was The Idiot's Guide to Adoption, good basic information to get you started. I think I already gave the book away or I would check in it for you about age information. I know that each state is a little different too.

Good Luck.

My daughter and her husband adopted a baby girl from China two and a half years ago and are now going through the adoption process for a second time. They/we live in Nevada.

It wasn't faster! The first adoption took about two years from start to actually getting the baby. Half of that was doing all the preliminary work here -- the home study, getting all the documents together and certified, etc. etc. -- it's unbelievable how thick a dossier it takes! The other half was the paperwork and govt. process once all the info. got to China. They worked with an agency in Pennsylvania but the Nevada Dept. of Child Services (not sure that's the exact name) did all the local stuff like the home study.

On cost: for this type of adoption, she needs to count on having an amount approximately equal to what you said she earns annually.
They've also made it harder (though not impossible) for single women to adopt from China, supposedly because their govt. reacted badly to a TV feature about a lesbian couple adopting. OTOH, older parents can do it readily. At age 25 she might even be too young. The Chinese think, the older the couple, the more likely to be financially stable. In fact quite a few couples where one member is in their fifties do Chinese adoptions. You have to travel to China to get the baby.

Costs for international adoptions from other countries are pretty comparable, I think. (Don't know about Central American adoptions; they may be somewhat less expensive.) For Russia, you have to make two trips: one to pick out the child or children; the second is when the child actually goes home with you. India is the only country I know of that you don't have to travel to to get the child But you have to pay for a "nanny" to travel to the U.S. bringing the child, so the cost is about the same either way.

From watching TV I think that adopting an older, American child who's in foster care would probably be faster, easier, and least costly. At least the state runs "A welcome home" ads all the time, trying to persuade more people to adopt them. Also, I think there's extra financial help available for the cost of such adoptions.

Regardless of where you adopt, though, there's a big tax credit you can take in the year that it happens. This is part of the Clinton legacy.

Good luck to her! Yes, it's true that an adoptive child will become a "child of her heart" immediately.

through Holt International Children Services. They are an excellent resource for international adoptions.

http://www.holtintl.org/flash/

.....I have an interim home for newborns.

In my experience it's the birth moms who choose the adoptive parents for their child. It's unlikely (but not impossible) that a birth mom would choose a single parent when looking through the various profiles of prospective parents.

Moms usually want their babies placed in ideal circumstances, i.e., 2 parents, cozy home, picket fence.

That said, most bio moms read the hand-written bio/profile very carefully looking for something that will resonate. I'd suggest to your friend that she make her case on the advantages of being a single mom - lay out the support she will have and go heavy on the extended family relationships.

In her bio she should add as many details as possible.....even small but meaningful experiences your friend has had can touch off an emotional response from the birth mother.

I've seen Moms choose one family over another for very small reasons - usually something seemingly insignificant in the profile.

is nil. If the child is adopted from the foster care system the province picks up the court costs, etc.

Adopting a healthy newborn will cost approx $1,000 in legal fees.

No cost for home studies - they're provided by the province. Also, the background checks and criminal history searches are picked up by the Nova Scotia gov't.