Musically speaking the song is very nice; however there are some things in the song that I have some problems with, and that I feel very strongly about. I myself had a very difficult dad (who died 25 years ago), and I do not have the same sentiments about my dad that Dan Fogelberg had about his dad. However even apart from my own personal issues with my dad I have some problems with some things in the song that I feel I need to say something about.
1) I very strongly question the idea that a “thundering, velvet hand” (obviously a euphemism for spanking) is something to be regarded as being benign or a sign of parental love, or something that ought to be remembered with fondness.
The late writer and psychotherapist
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php">Alice Miller has this to say about spanking:
Spanking is always an abuse of power. It is humiliating and it creates fear. A state of fear can only teach children to be distrustful and hide their true feelings. They learn from their parents that violence is the right way of resolving conflicts and that they are bad or unworthy and thus deserve correction. These children will soon forget why they were spanked. They will submit very quickly, but later in life, they will do the same to weaker persons. By spanking we teach violence. The child's body has learned the lesson of violence from their parents over a long period and we cannot expect it to suddenly forget these lessons at the behest of religious values, which the body doesn't understand anyway. Instead, it retains the memory of being spanked.
See
http://www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php?page=4">Violence Kills Love: Spanking, the Fourth Commandment, and the Suppression of Authentic Emotions
Also
http://www.naturalchild.org/alice_miller/violence_kills_love.html">here
According to Alice Miller, love seasoned even with "only" occasional, "educational" spanking is not possible and is not really love. Any violence in one’s upbringing, however well-intended, kills love.
What is particularly dangerous, according to Alice Miller, is when a person who was spanked as a child forgets the pain and humiliation of having been spanked, and comes to regard being spanked as having been good and necessary, a normal part of one’s upbringing, and a parental prerogative that one does not need to call into question.
2) Unlike Dan, I do not want to thank my dad for “the times when he got tough”. I don’t know about Dan Fogelberg’s father, but my dad was sometimes very arbitrary about “getting tough”. He often decided in Godlike fashion that I needed to be yelled at or bawled out like I had committed a crime or a heinous sin when I made an honest mistake, honestly forgot something, or when he was not fully pleased with something or when something did not quite measure up to his standards. And he would always say that whatever he said or did was said or done out of “love”, and “
http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">for my own good”. Again, I strongly question that one always ought to thank a parent for “getting tough”.
It seems that it is a widely accepted notion that part of being a “good” parent, particularly a “good” father, is that sometimes he is supposed to “get tough”, almost as part of being a “real” man, and as a “macho” thing (and not so much concern for the child). I am certain that my father had that notion (even if he would not say so in words). I would venture to guess that my dad sometimes thought to himself , “I have not been ‘tough’ with Mike in a while; I think I need to get ‘tough’ with him right now. I need to teach him a lesson, and I am doing it
http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">for his own good.”
Of course there are instances in which parental firmness is quite appropriate, and there are things about which any good parent will take a firm stand. (And I think the word “firm” is a much better word than “tough”.) However it is bad if parental “firmness” (or “toughness”) is applied arbitrarily, and for the real purpose of showing who is boss.
I did get my share of spankings, particularly from my dad, when I was a kid. However for me what might have been as bad as if not worse than the physical spankings was my dad’s extremely judgmental attitude (and his judging “by the letter of the law”), and his sometimes emotional and psychological abuse, and his often being very insensitive and showing a lack of understanding about some very sensitive personal issue or something that I was struggling with. The spankings stopped when I reached a certain age, but my dad continued his emotional abuse and insensitivity well into my adulthood. It was one of the biggest frustrations and biggest disappointments in my life that I was not able to stand up to my dad or appropriately confront him the way I would have wanted to while he was alive. I would always eventually be either intimidated or sweet-talked into going along with whatever he said or did, even if deep down I did not find it OK.
My dad did do many very nice things and many very good things, and I had many good and pleasant times with him. When he was in a good mood he could be quite pleasant and fun to be with. He was certainly far from being the worst father anybody ever had. And I did express appreciation for the good and nice things he did and the good times I had with him. I sent a very nice father’s day letter to him one year, at the suggestion of my mother, which my dad was very touched by.
So unlike Dan Fogelberg, I have no regrets about not saying “I love you” to my dad “near enough”. I definitely feel that I did say it to him enough. My disappointment and regret is not having been able to confront him or stand up to him about things he said and did that were really not at all OK. And the fact that my dad did many very nice things, and many very good and praiseworthy things, does not at all mean that nothing he ever said or did was wrong or blameworthy.
3) Finally, I think any halfway decent counselor or therapist, or anybody giving any kind of halfway decent personal advice, would say that it is a very bad mistake if one’s life is a “poor attempt”, or even a good attempt, to imitate another person, however worthy of admiration that person may be. Certainly one might seek to emulate some good traits of an admired person. However one should always strive to be one’s own unique self, and to be the best self one can be, and never settle for trying to imitate anybody else.
Incidentally I voted that I disliked the video. I was one of the 12 people who did so, and who are mentioned in the comments.
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
