Tell me a joke

A man goes to the doctor for a physical and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The man asks "Why?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'd like to start the physical."


Your turn.

After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Because it scares the dog

Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!

The eagle



What bird represents knowledge and wisdom?



The owl



What bird represents peace and love?



The dove



What bird represents true love?










The swallow

a guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

:spray:


Yeah, I used that one on purpose

Because she was married to Mr. Softee.

they discover that they are both there because their spouses think their sexual practices are too kinky. They leave the office and go to the woman's nearby apartment for "kinky sex".

Upon arriving the woman tells the man she is going to put on something more appropriate and the man should make himself comfortable. After a few minutes the woman reappears dressed in a leather corset, thigh high boots, and fish net stockings carrying a riding crop. She says "now I'm ready for some kinky sex".

The guy says "lady, I crapped in your purse, drank out of your toilet and blew your dog. I'm outta here."

The first snowman turns to the second and asks, "Do you smell carrots?"

That is so funny but I shouldn't be laughing at that.

A policewoman pulls over a drunk driver-

after deeming him drunk, she arrests him.

Policewoman: "Anything you say can and will be held against you"

Drunk Man: "BREASTS".

The hooker tells the man "It's your lucky night, buddy. For $300 I will do anything you want, anything at all, as long as you can say it in only three words."

The man instantly agrees, pulls out his wallet and lays three $100 bills on the bar, saying,
"Paint...my...house."

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too." 

The bartender says, "Um, do you know you have a ship's wheel hanging from your penis?"

The pirate says, "Yarrr, it drives me nuts!"

I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Elephino

(It helps to say it out loud)

a baseball player. His friends ask him why he thinks that. He tells them he found a catcher's mitt under his bed. Second guy says he thinks his wife is having an affair with a hockey player. His friends ask him why he thinks so. He tells them that he found a goalie's stick under his bed. The third guy begins sobbing and tells his friends that he suspects his wife of having an affair with a horse. His friends tell him he is nuts to even imagine such a thing and ask him why he thinks so. He tells them that he discovered a jockey under his bed.

Maude and Mabel are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

"What in the hell is that?" Maude asks.

"A condom," Mabel answers. "This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet."

"Where did you get it?"

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Maude hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

He staggers downstairs and says to his wife, "I can't believe I got so drunk at the office party last night. Did I do anything stupid?"

His wife answers, "Well, you did get into a fight with your boss."

The man says, "Well, piss on that guy!"

"You did," says his wife. "He fired you."

"Fuck that guy!" yells the man.

"I did," grins his wife. "You go back to work on Monday with a raise."

When a beautiful young naked woman stood up in front of the group.
She offered Gramps some super sex
He quickly responds, "I'll take the soup!"

"I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I know I'm going to have a boy."

The other two pregnant ladies ask her how she knows it's a boy.

The first pregnant lady says, "I know it's a boy because I was on top."

The second pregnant lady laughs and says, "Well, if that's true, I'm having a girl because I was on bottom."

The third pregnant lady bursts into tears. When the other two get her calmed down and ask her what's wrong, the third pregnant lady sobs, "If you two are right, I'm having puppies!"

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!"

The 1st mouse grabs the bottle, takes a swig and says, "You know those little mousetraps they put out, with the cheese? I grab that bar, bench press it 50 times, snap the trap over my knee and eat the cheese for a snack."

The 2nd mouse grabs the bottle, takes a bigger swig and says, "Whatever, you know that rat poison they put out? I cut it into lines and snort it, I love the stuff."

The 3rd mouse takes the bottle, drains it in one gulp, smashes the empty bottle over his head and gets up to leave. The other two mice ask him where he's going. The 3rd mouse says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

:rofl:

A sergeant was giving him a tour, and they came upon a camel tethered behind a tent. The officer asked what this was about.

The sergeant said, "Oh, that's Sally, sir. The men use her when they get horny."

The officer was taken aback and said, "That doesn't sound right, but I'm not going to make any changes until I think things over."

So a month went by and the officer finally got horny. He told the sergeant to bring Sally around. The sergeant did so and started to place a ladder at her side. The officer said, "No, no, put it at the rear."

The sergeant did so and the officer climbed up, pulled his trousers down and screwed the camel (yeah-right; stick to the joke).

So when he was done he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it, sergeant?"

The sergeant said, "No, sir. We usually ride Sally into town. That's where the women are."

The groom is shocked; "How can you still be a virgin? You are a three-time widow! You never had sex with your husbands before they died?"

The bride says, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it."

The groom says, "Well, ok, but what about the third?"

The bride says, "My third husband was a stamp collector. Oh, I miss him!"

Nothing to do with the misconception that stamp collectors lick anything, but rather that he preferred them imperforate.

I learned it is the Bactrian Camel that is found in Afghanistan and other parts of Central Asia. There isn't many of them. They have 2 humps rather than 1 like the more common Camel which is found in West Asia and throughout the Middle East.

The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me, but is this stool taken?"

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

The bartender serves beer only to the topmost acrobat and to nobody else, despite complaints. Why?

None of the others were.

Shouldn't one of them have seen it?

He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

next.

The guy who can carry a carafe of coffee in each hand... and a dozen donuts.




Who's the most popular girl?



The one that can eat the last donut.



:hide:

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50, the group again discusses where to meet. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the food is very good and the wine selection is fantastic.
Ten years later, at 60, the group again discusses where to meet. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because it is quiet.
Ten years later, at 70, the group again discusses where to meet. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because it has wheelchair access.
Ten years later, at 80, the group yet again discusses where to meet. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because none of them have ever been there before.

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

I stole it from here-http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Sports-Jokes/10-things-in-golf-that-sound-dirty.html

Three guys were hired to work on the frame of the new World Trade Center, and over the months they got to be good friends.

One day at lunch they all sit down on a beam and open their lunchboxes.

The first guy looked in the box and shook his head. "I've had baloney in this damn lunchbox every day for the last twenty years. I swear, if I have to look at baloney one more time I'm jumping off this building."

The second guy agreed with him: "Yeah, I've been eating sausage every day for the last seventeen years. I get kielbasa tomorrow, I'm going over the side with you."

The third guy was a teabagger: "You guys said it. Look at this! Peanut butter for the past 27 years. I'm gonna jump if I get peanut butter again."

The next day they all had the same lunches, and they all jumped off the building. By the time the work crew got down there, there wasn't much left.

At the funeral, the first guy's wife was bawling her heart out: "He could have had anything he wanted! There wasn't any reason why he had to kill himself over lunch!"

The second guy's wife was also crying: "I thought he liked sausage! I would have put something else in there if only he'd asked!"

The teabagger's wife was sitting there rolling her eyes: "Don't look at me. Twenty-seven years, that dumb fuck packed his own lunch."

Q: What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

A: Eric Clapton would never throw a bag of cocaine out a window.

Another one, stolen from Neil Hamburger: "Q. What do you call a senior citizen who can't refrain from exposing their genitals in public? A. Madonna!"

at the end of the trial, the judge looks at Mickey and says, "Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid you cannot divorce your wife in this state for being crazy."

Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

:evilgrin:

...a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous
mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

That's number 12, by the way.

:hi:

Bake

I here there's a new app that combines all the features of YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.



It's going to be called....



"You Twit Face"











(Proudly stolen from Connan O'Brien)