Cat etiquette for all you dumbass cat "owners" out there:

1. Do not try to eat anything containing meat in the presence of a cat. Seriously. Especially bacon, ham or hamburger. This is extremely dangerous.

2. Do not try to use the bathroom if you have closed the door so as to exclude the cat(s). They take this as a grave insult and will claw the hell out of your door. They also make a lot of noise.

3. Do not close your bedroom door in an attempt to prevent them from sleeping with you, for the reasons stated in #2.

4. Do not offer them food that they don't like. You will not know which food this is until you have purchased it and offered it to them, but they will let you know. Tomorrow, after you have purchased and offered them some other food, they will want this food again.

5. If a cat wants you to get up and feed him but you don't want to get up, do not open your eyes. The cat will notice. If you should make the grave error of opening at least one eye, do not under any circumstances make eye contact. You will not be able to feign sleep for another instant if this happens.

6. Do not attempt to bathe them. Ever.

hits the floor. He expects his food to be presented to him in his cat bowl. He does like to come around and mooch if I am sitting on the couch and eating but never sits by the table and begs.

Both of the cats I have had and those cats belonging to friends always insist on providing feline supervision in the bathroom. Why this is ingrained cat behavior remains a profound mystery.

My cat needs to be groomed twice a year as he refuses to be brushed any place further down than his nec. So he goes to Lulu & Luigi's, where they say he is perfectly happy to be bathed, brushed and groomed. There is a simple explanation for this. He knows that it is expensive and (I am convinced) enjoys making me spend money on him.

On occassion they may eat a small piece of pre-chewed grilled chicken but in general they turn their nose up at it.

I am ok with this.

Those of you whose cats aren't interested in people food are fortunate. I may have to go vegetarian just to preserve my own flesh, since eating a ham sandwich sometimes results in my fingers encountering cat teeth. One of my cats can hear me thinking about eating something with meat in it, and once I actually try to eat meat, sometimes it doesn't make it from my plate to my mouth -- the paw is quicker than the fork. This cat once stole an entire pork chop off my plate and dashed away with it. I had to let him have it after he dragged it around on the floor, violating the Five-Second Rule. This might have been a grave error.

She will sometimes ignore meat but sit down with a peach, a plum or a slice of watermelon and you might as well give up and share.

My fanatical obligate carnivores would be horrified to hear that one of their kind was a fructivore. I think that's heresy in the cat world. Although one of the Gang of Fur has been known to nibble on cantaloupe when he thinks nobody is looking.

Honeydew melon, too. She also loves ice cream. Not too picky about the flavors, either.

When I first brought her home, I made the mistake of leaving a veggie burger soaked in four-alarm-fire hot salsa right by the telly while I went into the kitchen to get some wine. I also made oven-baked french fries--and lo and behold, I come back and Kitty's got a big FF in her teeth and the salsa has been licked clean from the plate! I followed her around all night, really scared of what would happen to that salsa when it passed thru her--after all, humans get "interesting" reactions from caliente food--but she took it all in stride.

Nevertheless, I've not let her near my dinner plate ever since!

She smells it before I take it out of the microwave, I can tell, she starts giving me an expectant stare.
I've actually found that ANYTHING I am eating they need to inspect/sniff for edibility. They might not actually like it, but failure to offer them at least a sniff is a grave sin in my household. Greedy little buggers. :rofl:

...and then spent a WEEK getting the fur off of my tongue.

So thank you for the thoughtful and articulate advice you've presented here.

:grouphug:

:rofl:

A 9 pound cat lathered in soap can be quite the menace. If you must bathe a cat, trim their claws first. Wearing jeans and a sweater is a good idea too. lesson learned

litterbox etiquette is something very important to my 6. I MUST scoop at least twice a day - and I have 3 boxes - or I will find a scornfully placed "present" right outside the door to the box. And don't leave crumpled-up paper, plastic grocery sacks, clothing, sleeping bags, etc on the floor, or they are seen as a "free zone", at least in my house.

(But what is it with the litter scattered 4 feet behind a covered litter box?? How in the world did they do THAT???)

They will use the litterboxes as long as they don't smell really bad to *me* (they have a fairly high stench threshold). I use top-entry litterboxes, which has pretty well solved the litter all over the floor problem.

These are all very, very true...

They have no interest in our food at all. One of them likes to wake me at 4 am and talk to me. He comes to my side of the bed and bats my face with his paw. He has his claws but doesn't use them at all.
We had a cat who loved people food - yellow cake, cold sesame noodles!
But his absolute favorite was turkey. On Thanksgiving he would sit at the oven and mew until the bird came out of the oven. Then we had to make sure he was under constant supervision until the bird was carved.
He was a great cat- we miss him.

swatted at it. She does not like to be in the presence of fruit that is for sure. LOL!

failure to do so will result in unrelenting harassment until the treats are relinquished.

8. anything that can be played with becomes the property of the cat when left within his or her reach. cats are not responsible for any incurred damages.

to my house.

You are supposed to be a mindreader, of course, and know what The Cat expects at all times. Any hesitation in obeying The Cat will result in dire consequences. Just do it, now.

That will be all.

Disdainfully,
The Cat


Bake

Dog's thoughts:

My human feeds me and pets me and plays with me and gives me treats - my human must be a GOD!

Cat's thoughts:

My human feeds me and pets me and plays with me and gives me treats - I must be a GOD!!

You nailed it.

Bake

out the screen to get out. Also, you can train your dogs to be enforcers...mine go after the cat anytime she starts clawing at the furniture.

Don't eat milk products near them!

I've learned the hard way that soft cheese, cottage cheese, pudding, yogurt, and ice cream will make your kitteh crazy. Then they will drive you crazy for THEIR share.
I can't eat any of these in peace anymore.

:grr:

Mine loves it. She's not as enamored with other dairy products.

I give them a little heavy cream once in awhile. They really love that.

If you are trying to read the newspaper, who the hell do you think you are? The very paragraph you are reading is intended to be a resting place for your cat's fuzzy little ass.