CDC Officials Announce Ice Cream For Everyone, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak

ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough of the frozen dessert for everyone, and that, by the way, there had also been an outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus in the United States.

CDC director Thomas R. Frieden led the emergency press conference, during which he called for all Americans to step right up and get as much of the tasty ice cream as they wanted, and, in unrelated news, 162 Ebola-related deaths have been reported in 12 states. "Strawberry, chocolate, butter pecan—so many delicious flavors," said Frieden, who added that this just had to be the greatest day ever, and how could anyone have a care in the world, what with all this free ice cream up for grabs. "We also have sundaes and sorbets and, look at us, we're all having such a wonderful time!"

EDIT

According to officials, federal response teams are currently setting up triage units all across the country and urging every citizen to "go ahead and put some chocolate sauce right on top of that ice cream now, because within 21 days, none of this is going to matter anyway." In addition, the agency explained that unless something is done to stop the latest strain of the virus, which appears to be transmittable through skin contact and airborne agents, close to 96 percent of the population could be wiped out, "so, great news—more tasty ice cream for the rest of us!"

"This will easily be the most lethal epidemic in U.S. history," said Dr. Howard Copeland, a triage-unit surgeon who was called in by the government to deal with "all the fun everyone is having." "Fever, vomiting, massive body rashes, blood pouring out from the ears. These are all symptoms of Ebola." Added the man whom the CDC has dubbed Dr. Happy Party Time, "Now, um, who wants some sprinkles on their sundae?"

EDIT

http://www.theonion.com/articles/cdc-officials-announce-free-ice-cream-for-everyone,17611/

At first.

I was gonna say, let's offer some of it to the Repubs in their debates and see who's willing to take a bite. How about some Romaine lettuce, Mr. Paul? Are ya sure we don't need no regulation?