Failed Missile Defense Rocket Awarded Presidential Medal Of Freedom

Borowitz hits it out of the park.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/

FAILED MISSILE DEFENSE ROCKET WINS PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM
Latest White House Ceremony Raises Eyebrows

An interceptor rocket that failed to launch last week during a test of a proposed missile defense system confounded its critics today by receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a ceremony at the White House.

President George W. Bush presided over the ceremony, placing the Medal of Freedom around the part of the rocket that would be its neck if rockets had necks.

As he presented the medal, Mr. Bush made no mention of the interceptor rocket’s refusal to leave the ground, saying only that the missile had “made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty.”

The award, the first of its kind given to an inanimate object that was involved in an abortive missile test, raised more than a few eyebrows in official Washington, especially amid rumors that President Bush was about to award Presidential Medals of Freedom to actor Ben Affleck and recording artist Afroman.

According to a source close to the president, Mr. Bush believes that Mr. Affleck, by starring in the 2003 film “Gigli,” and Afroman, by recording the 2001 novelty hit “Because I Got High,” “made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty.”

While Presidential Medals of Freedom are given solely at the president’s discretion, experts worry that at Mr. Bush’s current pace the U.S. will run out of Presidential Medals of Freedom by early 2006 and will have to start importing them from Canada.

Elsewhere, a new study shows that aspects of the U.S. military are outmoded and in need of replacement, such as Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld.