Things You Have To Believe To Be a Republican Today:

(1) Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

(2) Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

(3) Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

(4) The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

(5) A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.

(6) The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

(7) If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

(8) A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.

(9) Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

(10) HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.

(11) Global warming, evolution and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

(12) A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

(13) Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

(14) The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

(15) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

(16) What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

or...All true Texans have family summer homes on the water in New England and because they do, they are "Regular folk" and can relate to the rest of us.

:applause:

And heck, that any of those have anything to do with news...

You can add: Liberals are little devils promoting the big devil Bill Clinton.