ONE MORE HAT ( in a very cluttered ring)

With ’08 fever gripping the nation, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring – and even though my ‘hat’ is a peace-sign and flower-festooned floppy-brimmed remnant of the Woodstock generation, I don’t see why it shouldn’t count.

First, let me get the skeletons out of the closet, lest they be used against me in the days ahead.

I've been married three times, have co-habitated with men not my husband, engaged in pre-marital sex (and enjoyed it), I smoke and I smoke (and yes, I most certainly inhale). I am pro-choice and anti-establishment. I believe in upholding the Constitution, and rule by The People and For the People.

Here is my platform:

CHURCH v STATE: I think people who have a personal relationship with God should KEEP it personal. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t abide kiss-'n-tell Christians.

That being said, any church that openly discusses the perceived failings of political figures, or promotes a political party’s specific agenda from the pulpit, shall lose its tax-exempt status – immediately. So if you’re about to launch a tirade about refusing communion to a Catholic parishioner who votes pro-choice on behalf of his constituents, be prepared to hand over the contents of the collection plate to the IRS agents – who, by the way, will be dispatched immediately.

SKILL TESTING FOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: I think we can all agree that after the past six-plus years, having an Idiot running the country makes for a great sit-com, but a lousy country.

Therefore, I plan to pass legislation that obliges presidential hopefuls to take an IQ test, and those who fall in the ‘below average’ category will be eliminated on the spot. In conjunction with the traditional debates, the designated candidate of each party will appear on a nationally-televised “Jeopardy” segment to display their skills in areas of current events, history, etc.

Alex Trebek would never have accepted “Yeah, who is that military guy” as an acceptable answer to “President of Pakistan” – and neither should US citizens.

ELECTION REFORM: All voting machines will be subjected to pre-election testing for accuracy, and will provide a paper ballot as well as a receipt to the voter, showing how their votes were cast in all races. All Diebold machines will be confiscated and warehoused, and a few will be thrown into Boston Harbor every July 4th as part of Independence Day celebrations.

IMPEACHMENT – TOO COSTLY, TOO LENGTHY: Any president caught lying to the country about ANYTHING (other than a small white lie, e.g. “Honest to God, the whole country looks really thin in that dress.”), will result in immediate firing. Pack your bags, that’s it, you’re out. No continuing salary, no pension, no benefits – out! The country will, however, pick up the tab for your cab ride from the White House to the city limits of D.C. After that, you’re on your own dime.

LOBBYING REFORM: Lobbyists will hereby be banned from hawking their wares within 200 miles of the Capitol. Got a great idea you want a representative to hear about? Email your PowerPoint presentation to his or her office for their perusal. Don’t call us – we’ll call you.

GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS: No-bid contracts? No-brainer! They’re gone. Any company that is awarded a government contract, after a well-scrutinized bidding process, will post their expenditures on a monitored website each week, easily accessible by the citizenry. The website will contain every expenditure of the taxpayers’ dollars – yes, every pencil, every cab chit, every paperclip. Don’t like it? Don’t bid.

CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS: I have a few in mind, but they’ll have to be voted on by the citizenry before taking effect. Here’s a sampling: Vote tampering (in any way, shape or form) will be considered to be treason, and will carry the attendant penalties. In other words, before you decide not to actually recount those ballots, you might also want to decide on your choice of last cigarette (menthol, unfiltered, etc.) before the firing squad arrives.

TRANSPARANCY OF GOVERNMENT: Except in cases involving high-level national security, if you’re doing the people’s bidness, the people have a right to know exactly what bidness you’re doing, and with who. If what you’re planning on doing can’t stand the light of day, you ain’t going to be doing it at all. ‘Nuf said.

CAMPAIGN REFORM: We will have clean electioneering, and the consequences for playing down ‘n dirty politics will be – well, pretty down ‘n dirty.

If you’re planning a robo-call campaign that will annoy potential voters with constant phone calls allegedly from your opponent, the punishment will fit the crime – big time. Once found guilty of doing so, you will be locked in a jail cell with a phone, and will not be released until you re-call every single voter your campaign robo-called and apologize. What’s that, you say? “But by the time I call everyone, the election will be over and I will have lost by a landslide.” What’s this, I say? “Now you’re getting the point.”

The Watch Your Ps & Qs Provision: Have a hankerin’ to smear your opponent with misinformation, misrepresentation of the facts, or outright fabrication? Feel free – but if you’re caught doing it, you’re automatically out of the running, and your campaign funds are forfeit to your opponent’s campaign chest. You might want to rethink your campaign strategery.

THE ATTITUDE RE-ADJUSTMENT BILL: Perhaps my most sweeping legislation, TV news coverage will be overhauled so completely, FOX viewers won’t even recognize their favorite shows.

Under my new regulations, publicizing blatantly bogus “news” items as the real thing will land you in a world of hurt. A two-minute bit on Barack Obama’s “madrassa years” will cost you two days of off-the-air status – viewers who tune into your station will see a black screen with a white-lettered message: “We are temporarily off the air because we are LIARS.” And the three-strike rule will apply here with a vengeance: after the third offence, your station will become the 24-7 “Fun With Macramé” network – and good luck getting sponsors.

So-called ‘news’ stations that choose to cover nonsense instead of real news will still be allowed to do so. However, the bottom-screen crawl must run a continually updated list of the contemporaneous news items you’re not covering; i.e. Wolf Blitzer interviewing second-cousin (twice removed) of runaway bride, while bottom-screen crawl reads “Vote fraud hearings ongoing in Ohio courts”. That’ll going a long way in making you the most trusted name in news – whether you like it or not.

And while I’m at it, I think I’ll add the “Truth in Advertising” label to the MSM news – if you’re going to give airtime to people like O’Reilly and Glen Beck, you have to prominently display a flashing warning in the upper-right hand corner of the screen: “This guy is an IDIOT who doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and has absolutely NO factual foundation for what he’s saying.” Let’s just call it my “Early Warning System” – and if the Homeland Security guys insist on color-coding it (red for REALLY idiotic, pink for MILDLY delusional), that’s fine by me.

OLD-FASHIONED AMERICAN VALUES: There are some things from our past that I plan to re-institute. Elected representatives that sell out their constituents by passing legislation favoring Big Business, Big Oil or Big Pharma might benefit from a few days in the stocks, set up on the Mall in D.C. Proceeds from the sale of throwable rotten vegetables will go to pay down the deficit.

I also advocate the resurrection of Debtor’s Prison, where we can confine politicians who waste their constituents’ dollars – on, for example, bridges to nowhere. They can be held there until their personal assets are liquidated and auctioned, the proceeds to be placed into the taxpayers’ coffers until the money they’ve squandered is repaid. (Of course, if they’ve consistently voted to financially support a losing war, they could wind up spending a long, long time in a cell – but family visitation rights will be more than generous.)

FBI PRIORITIES RE-ASSESSMENT: This is really important in that Post-9/11 world we keep hearing about. Peace marchers – LOWEST national security threat. Right-wing nutcase saying Timothy McVeigh should have taken out the NY Times building and its employees, HIGHEST national security threat. Seems more than reasonable.

It’s a simple platform, based on common sense, fair play, and what’s right for the American people. It’s about justice, freedom, the preservation of democracy and …





… okay. I haven’t got a prayer.


But it was a GREAT bid for the presidency while it lasted!

Of course, that's coming from someone who's been nominated a time or two himself... ;)

Great job, but how about having the candidates run their campaigns with only their Jeopardy winnings!

Sign me up,
Buttercup.

I am well rested and ready to go.

That's a platform I'd sell my soul for right there.

... my Secretary for the Promotion of the Literary Arts (lifetime position)

Secretary of Finance

Campaign Manager and Personal Condfidante Extraordinaire

Chairman of the Fundraising Committee (and eventual Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect)

This campaign is really shaping up!

THank you for this! :hi:

If you do... {raises hand}

:)

Can I make a suggestion for your platform?

Implement a moving capital. Move the capital every four years to the absolute worst - the most poverty-stricken, crime-ridden, just plain *hopeless* area of the country. The building that would be required to house the political organs of the federal government would also force the feds to actually help the poorest parts of the country. (The administrative organs would remain in D.C.)

And any year that Congress and the President can't get together and pass a balanced budget (another series of continuing resolutions wouldn't count)? They meet and live in tents until the next budget is passed (assuming that the next one is balanced.)

A year of camp showers, outhouses and the like would cure them of that particular brand of fiscal irresponsibility pretty quickly.

Oh, and this would probably go a *long* way to taking care of the lobbyist/corruption problem, too. :)

And here's another idea to add to our platform:

Senators and Congressmen, want to vote yourselves a raise? GREAT IDEA! -- but it's tied-in to a raise in the minimum wage. You need a 10% raise to keep up with the cost of living? So do your constituents -- for every percentage point you raise YOUR salary, the minimum wage goes up proportionately.

Hey, fair's fair, right?

and how about if any wars are to be fought, they are to be done the old-fashioned way- you know, a duel with swords. We have lost enough of our young kids. Maybe if the president or the current war monger had anything personally at stake, he wouldn't rush so much to war.

Damn it, Nance...:applause::patriot::yourock:
I was gonna vote for Gore, once he's official...
but now I gots to make a decision here!

Win/Win, :dilemma:or Win/Win?






:kick:

And allow sword duels amongst America's only distinctly native criminal class, Congress.

Aaron Burr used a gun on ol' Alex.

Thank you Mark Twain.

:toast:

All presidential candidates must undergo a pyschological evaluation. If three independent psychologists diagnose the candidate as a sociopath, they are not allowed to become president.

okay, Nance, now I've been thinking about this ever since I first read one of your columns.

Now that Molly Ivans is gone (rip, dear Molly) we have a void to fill. If anyone could match the caliber of her writings, it is you, Nance. You have the eloquence and the wisdom to speak to thousands about the crimes that are being comitted right under our noses. Not to mention that gift of poking fun at the reality of it all. You say what we all feel and express it well.

Now this may not be your dream, but I suspect that for you, your writings are a bit of a catharsis- and I know for me as a reader of them, they are for me as well.

How can we get you picked up for syndication? Does anyone know? Nancy's rants need to be heard by more than just us at the DU. I'm serious. You have a gift, and it deserves to be heard. I say that we all write the powers that be to see if we can get you picked up. Heck, you have enough rants to fill a book, as we speak. Does anyone have any ideas?

We need more people in the U.S. to read each and every one of her rants. Now - how do we do that?

:rofl:

Faux News will never be the same for me.

K & R

My housecleaning skills will be an international laughingstock. Back in a while... gotta go clear some brush out back.
:loveya:

I have my checkbook out :toast:

. . .except the paper and ink on which a Member of the House writes the articles.

To fail to speak out -- to accuse -- is aiding and abetting. For a Member of the House, that means writing articles on a piece of paper and introducing the resolution.

Their oath is an individual oath. Their duty an individual duty. It doesn't matter whether they stand alone or with a legion (which is more likely) in the current climate.

1) Your assumption is baseless. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=132&topic_id=3086616#3090115">Bush and Cheney could be out by President's Day.

2) It doesn't matter what the outcome is. Their oath is not an oath to win; it is an oath to fight -- to "support and defend."

Being complicit with high crime is not just morally repugnant, it is NEVER "good politics."

You'd think they would have learned when they voted for the Authorization to Use Force because they feared being called names.

There is no excuse for their dereliction. Men and women in the armed forces are risking life and limb to "support and defend." They are subject to the penalty of death if they run away from their sworn duty. Members of Congress took the same oath.

This is satire, and it's about what changes I would make to the process of electing a president.

Under my above scenario, Bush never would have made it to the WH. He wouldn't have passed the IQ test ...

In addition, my "Impeachment Too Costly" statement is followed by a much simpler measure - a President caught lying to the People (like about WMDs that don't exist) would simply be fired on the spot - gone.

I thought it obvious this was meant to be a satirical (and hopefully funny) look at things. It is no way a comment on the true state of affairs.

. . .That's what i get for letting attention deficit get the upper hand.

Apologies.

I figured that's what happened - or that there was another (serious) thread here about impeachment, and you replied to this one by mistake.

:hi:

I caught the satire and the humor but I gotta tell you, it made sense. I would sign up in a minute. I loved the church and state one. You probably don't have a clue how many people that go to a mainstream church agree with you.

I love reading your work. Please keep them coming.:toast:

JeffR would make a great first gentleman. :rofl:

but never a gentleman.
:spray:

Would that work for you? :rofl:

:rofl:

If it's not too big, I'll support you. You're pretty articulate for a woman.

:rofl:

:headbang:

I'm not so sure about your "attitude readjustment bill." Who will determine whether a news story is "bogus"? And even if you were to be able to, this seems like it could be subject to a lot of abuse. What if down the line, some new president is elected, appoints someone to the task of judging news stories, and simply shuts down any story that is against the president's agenda? Too much risk, in my opinion. I don't want my government telling the news media what to report and what not to report. It's too nationalistic. Good idea in theory, but in practice, I don't see it as positive.

... a 'news' story that turns out never to have actually happened is 'bogus'.

But don't worry - the minute I'm sworn in as President of the United States, I promise to fine-tune the whole idea ...

:loveya:

:yourock:

and quite honestly? i would vote for you in a heartbeat... (move over al.... :-) )

edit for spelling, i'm one of the majority (functionally illiterate...)