Is My $10,000 Check in the Mail Yet?

Dear AEI People (whatever that is, and whoever you are):

I understand that you are paying $10,000 to scientists who will agree to debunk Global Warming. I have to tell you, I could sure use the money, so I am offering a few ideas in hopes of getting my piece of the financial pie.

I am not an actual scientist per se – but then neither are the people who are willing to take your money, so it all comes out even-Steven in the end.

The first tack, of course, would be to deny that global warming exists at all, in which case I offer the following:

“AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH” is actually a convenient untruth. The entire documentary was filmed using miniatures and computer-generated images. Al Gore’s motive behind this alleged documentary is obvious. Having seen how well the War on Terror thing worked on frightening citizens into compliance, Gore recognized the need for his own war on something, to be used when he is re-elected in 2008.

Once in office, he will use the military to invade countries that allegedly have BTUs of Mass Destruction, and will illegally wiretap Americans who disagree with his policies under the guise of ‘protecting’ the country. Many law-abiding citizens will find themselves in Gitmo, accused of being ‘terrorist warmers’.

DROUGHTS? SAYS WHO? Lowered levels in lakes, reservoirs and other sources of drinking water are due to companies like Evian, who are bottling the stuff on an ever-increasing basis.

The water is not gone; it is simply on supermarket shelves. And if the world runs out of traditional sources of potable water, people can just buy it at the store. This whole drought thing was obviously dreamed up by people who are too cheap to spend money on bottled water, and expect the stuff to just come free from their taps.

FOLLOW THE MONEY: As Deep Throat advised Woodward and Bernstein when they were investigating a corrupt Republican president who – (Ooops! Sorry for bringing up a sore point.)

Anyway, even a cursory look into who stands to gain financially from promoting the non-issue of Global Warming points directly to certain un-American groups:

No 1 - the HVAC industry. Why else would the threat of global ‘warming’ also include the corollary threat of colder winters? The answer seems pretty obvious: why only up your sales on air-conditioning units when you can sell more powerful furnaces at the same time? Hmmm.

And who benefits from the threat of increasingly frequent and more powerful hurricanes? The construction industry, that’s who! These people will do anything to sell their improved building techniques, such as housing built to withstand the stronger winds and rainfall associated with the totally bogus predictions of drastic climate change.

As for the sky-is-falling babble about tornadoes, one need only look to the Hollywood liberals intent on promoting “The Wizard of Oz” special deluxe DVD package (with never-before-seen footage, interviews, deleted scenes and EXTRAS! EXTRAS! EXTRAS!) to realize which side of their bread is the buttered side.

But let’s face it. The evidence supporting Global Warming is pretty overwhelming. Perhaps the best defense is a good offence, i.e. blaming the entire threat on something other than the use of oil products. (Even though you didn’t come right and say it, I get your drift: Ix-nay on the use of gasoline as the actual cause – wink-wink, nudge-nudge!)

In the case of that concept being adopted, I offer these musings:

DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE? The last decade has seen a rise in the use of wind and solar power technology. Also in the last decade, global warming has become even more of a threat. Logical conclusion: windmills and solar panels cause global warming.

Millions of Chinese citizens use bicycles as their main mode of transportation. Pollution in China, which allegedly causes global warming, is at an all-time high. Logical conclusion: Global warming is caused by sweating bike-riders, as opposed to car-drivers, who tend not to perspire in their air-conditioned cars.

THE SMOKING GUN: Over the last twenty years, major cities around the world have restricted cigarette smoking to the outdoors. Cigarettes burn, and therefore give off heat. Heat rises. Imagine how many smokers are outside their offices having a smoke-break at the same time on any given workday.

This theory has great merit, and can be supported by the fact that rural agricultural areas produce less toxic emissions than large industrialized cities. Farming communities also have smaller populations; ergo, less smokers outside puffing away. Proof positive that outdoor smoking causes global warming.

In addition, clouds of yellow smog can be seen lingering over the world’s cities. That’s not car exhaust; that’s nicotine. Duh!

WHAT ABOUT THE VANITY FREAKS? Global warming has increased in conjunction with the popularity of tanning parlors and the availability of ‘professional-strength’ hairdryers, curling irons, hair-straightening devices, etc. Unplug the tanning beds and the hairdryers, and the global temperature will drop back to normal.

IS GLOBAL WARMING A MADE-MADE PROBLEM? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it’s a God-made problem – meant to try men’s souls in the six-thousandth year of the planet’s existence. (Yeah, I don’t really believe that either, but you could capture the Fundie crowd with that one.)

Now, you might well ask yourselves why someone like me (a liberal Democrat who actually believes that Global Warming is a real threat to our human existence) would be willing to come up with ideas to aid your side of the argument.

Well, the truth be told, no one is going to believe any of the crapola I’ve just suggested, any more than any intelligent, well-educated, thinking person is going to swallow any of the crapola your alleged scientists are going to proffer. So what’s wrong with a little one-hand-washes-the-other activity among political adversaries?

In any event, I hope you find my suggestions worthy of consideration – and worthy of financial compensation.

Your Truly,
Nancy Greggs

P.S. Please make the $10,000 check payable to “Albert Gore”.

P.P.S. Is that $10,000 per total submission, or per idea? I’ve offered quite a few suggestions here, and it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Exxon-Mobile owes you at least $40,000

... and not a credit towards purchases of their products -- because I don't own a car.

Another winner for you! I read the whole piece to him and I thought he was going to fall off his chair with laughter!

Wow, you killed more birds with one stone in that post than Birdkiller himself! Please do send a copy to Exxonmobil too, just so they know we are so on to them all. CHEERS~ :toast:

:yourock:

I just emailed this post to Exxon-Mobil:

Name of Company: United States Citizenry.


Do you want one of our technicians to address your concerns? YES!

... Oh, to be a fly on the wall when they try to figure out THAT email!

THANKS AGAIN, Shoelace -- and welcome to DU!

:hi:

but wouldn't want to inadvertently land on any of those boyz - might get stuck on their oil soaked brains. Good on ya lady!
We should compile our own enemy list with all the names of every single politician, corporation and think tank that have tried to sabotage all efforts by scientists to get the truth out.
Now I hear that Exxonmobil has started a new disinfo campaign in Europe but that's for another post.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

...I'd like to invest in a startup alternative fuels business.

So here goes.... I blame my Advanced Statistics professor from college, Dr. Hussein. And he's from Iran!!! Although he came as a child in the 50's, I'm sure we can work around that. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I thought he should have given me an A.

So how soon before I see the check?

... sounds like a terrorist warmer to me.

The fact that he didn't give an American citizen an "A" speaks volumes ...

Perhaps the FBI should be alerted immediately.

But, back when I graduated in the Stone Age, Hoover was still Director of the FBI, and there was no Homeland Security (thank god). So Dr. Hussein's now probably living in the Most Hated Professor's Retirement Home by now. And probably torturing all the other residents by controlling the TV remote, saying: "I Know Numbers!!! - Damn You!!!"

Eh....

Just move along people. Nothing to see here.

Nance, since this is your first article to address the issue of catastrophic climate change, let me just say: it's really cool, and smokin'. Simultaneously. So not only is it great, it's apparently climate-neutral. What could be more progressive than that?:o

I'm sure you knew that, but for anyone else who wishes to send their thougts to these M-F@ckers.

Where in Canada are you?

and let's hope you bring Al Gore with you. You both deserve a prize -- maybe a writer's award to match Al's Oscar for his documentary?

In peace,

Radio Lady in LAS VEGAS

"So you wantta go to heaven. . .? Gimmee 50 bucks." Oldest scam in the book really.

So is screwing the planet in the name of short sighted self interest and absolut idiocy. It's reprehensible really.

Thanks as ever Nance.

You're the best.

and would happily share it with several of my fellow low-income DUers.

That sum would not quite double our income ($14K+$10K=$24K); unfortunately, Hubby would lose his Medicaid, so the whole thing would go to medicines. Oh, well.

Why Global Warming is Good for the economy

1. As ocean levels rise, people living in the mid-west will have beach front property. This will increase their property values and allow them to borrow larger home equity loans or sell their homes at a much higher value. With the cuts/elimination of capital gains taxes - they will have more money that can be trickled down on the rest of us.

2. With less land space, larger and taller buildings containing condos or apartments must be built to accomodate the refugees from the east and west coast. This will stimulate the construction industries, create new jobs for the illegal aliens, which in turn will depress the wages of Americn Workers. In the end the construction companies will see large increases in their profits and trickle some of it down on the rest of us.

3. Warmer winters mean less use of heating fuel. The less people spend on heating their homes the more money they will have to spend on things like air-conditioners to survive the hotter climate. Electric companies and air-conditioner manufactures will see an increase in sales and profits. Combined with taxcuts, these profits will trickle down on the rest of us.

4. Although warmer winters and less space to drive around will mean the oil companies may sell less fuel and gas - it also means there will be more ocean space for off-shore drilling and gets rid of those pesky objections to drilling in places like ANWAR. Waiving royalty fees and other tax breaks will offset any loss of income. American car manufactures can reintroduce vehicles which consume massive quantities of gas.

5. Less land space will not only effect America, it will also effect the countries of our enemies. Some of our enemy countries will be literally wiped off the map by rising ocean levels. Other countries will see a decrease in land mass, thuse making it easier for our military to invade and occupy.

:rofl:

Ya did it again, Nance! :patriot:
:applause::yourock:



:kick:

If not, it will be. Now I'm off to destroy the earth with my hair dryer. (Ka-ching, can I have a $10,000 check, too??)