A PROPOSAL FOR A NEW SCALE TO MEASURE RELATIVE CLUELESSNESS: THE CHENEY SCALE

A PROPOSAL FOR A NEW SCALE TO MEASURE RELATIVE CLUELESSNESS: THE CHENEY SCALE

We propose that the Cheney Scale run from 1 thru 10. The levels measure how far one’s head is up one’s own ass. At a Cheney 1 level the person has his head up his own ass drawing even with his own eyes. At this stage there is a gentle almost cute cluelessness—for example one doesn’t get a simple joke. However one is still able to talk, hear, and see as the head is only superficially ensconced in the ass.

A Cheney 2 would, obviously, indicate a more serious level of cluelessness. Here most of the head is up one’s own ass, causing serious difficulties in speaking, hearing, and seeing reality around oneself. This is a relatively common level of cluelessness, especially among Republicans in general—and although definitely uncomfortable it is not, as of yet, considered to be dangerous to one’s own health (although it may be communicable and thus can spread to others who are not on guard to the risk). It is important to note however that at this point momentum frequently picks up as the subject moves toward ever higher levels on the Cheney scale.

In a Cheney 3 the head is totally up one’s own ass. Here new levels of difficulty begin to emerge (usually first in respiration, causing possible shortages of oxygen to the brain) but it is still not too late to remove oneself from one’s own asshole as arms are still free and could, theoretically, pull the head out of the asshole.

The scale continues with one’s head, and eventually the entire body, being buried ever more deeply up one’s own ass as the hope of extrication rapidly diminishes.

At Cheney 5 we near the point at which the waist enters the asshole. This is one of the few places where being overweight can actually be advantageous as this is the widest point of the body. The person sometimes automatically stops travelling any further into the hole if one is (in this particular case) fortunate enough to be carrying a bit of belly. This is also the point where the actual twisting of the person upon himself may start to damage cartilage and bone in various parts of the victim’s body. This point, halfway to level 10, has also been called the “Cheney Point” because as Mr. Cheney himself has, on several occasions neared Cheney 5, it has become apparent that his risk of heart attack increases exponentially, perhaps because of a severe case of cognitive dissonance. Particularly helpful in this scale is the fact that doctors would have a method of warning future heart attack victims of their increased risk by pointing out that they are rapidly closing in on the Cheney Point.”

At Cheney level 9 all that can still be seen is feet sticking out of the actual hole. To look upon this poor unfortunate victim shows a body completely warped as one gazes with horror at something giving the appearance of a Jackson Pollack painting at worst or a Picasso at best. Here there is still hope, but not much. The contorted twisted reality that is present as the persons head travels up his own digestive system entering the esophagus leaves some hope but only if a valiant intervention by outsiders can successfully pull the person out of the ass by grabbing the dangling feet that protrude (by this point, a very mean “feat”).

Once the feet have completely disappeared up one’s own ass we have a Cheney 10. At this point there is a fundamental enfoldement of reality back onto itself. Here one of the most serious problems becomes that not only does reality, logic, and intelligence no longer escape from the mass of flesh that is twisted and contorted, now the enfolded body begins to suck in outside reality, logic, and intelligence into itself. Here the known laws of reality and physics can no longer describe the situation. One can measure reality’s location, but then cannot measure its speed. Or one can measure reality’s speed, and then not know its location—we have entered the realm of Quantum Cheneyness. No one actually comprehends what occurs inside this newly formed all encompassing “ass” hole—but apparently reality is increasingly sucked in by the hole’s strong gravitational forces, and even light will never again escape. Anything that comes into its realm of influence will likely be lost forever and will perhaps even enter a new bizarro universe. It must be said however that this idea is pure speculation as so far this realm of inquiry remains outside the boundaries of experimental science.