moron*: the movie producer...

I've worked on a few films in my life but this latest one, the one that seems to have no end, may finally have a hope of wrapping.

4 1/2 years ago I took a meeting with moron*. He* went on and on about this new idea he had. The other members in the room echoed him, saying it was brilliant and it was a story that "needed" to be told to the world.

I asked if he had anyone attached yet. He laughed, "only the biggest names". What kind of budget are we talking about here, I inquired, "money is no object". I raised my eyebrows, I thought of that bungalow in I had my eye on in St. Martin. He had hooked me.

I asked him for a script and he slapped one in my hand and off I went. Being a Cinematographer, the visual elements are my trade, but I can't hang pretty pictures on crap so I hoped the story would at least keep me interested.

That night I began reading and reading and reading, it seems every time I neared what should have been a conclusion, it just kept going on and on. I got a headache and went to bed.

The next day, I took another meeting with moron*. "well?" he* asked excited. I started off easy with him. "well, the special effects in the beginning were great, very impressive and the opening story was pretty solid. But I have the feeling I have read this before".

"oh, that yeah, it was tried once before, but we bought the rights and want to do it right this time, it went to hell in a hand basket last time", he* blurted.

"oh a heavens gate sort of thing, huh?" I retorted.

"no, more like Gilliam's Man of LaMancha", he said sickly.

"ouch! well, hmmm, the opening was good I said but as I kept reading the middle got a bit muddy to the point of out right confusing and frankly, nasty. And it didn't have an ending! What's with that? If I'm going to put my name on this, I want a shooting script." I was feeling very uneasy suddenly.

Moron* shifted in his chair, I had heard he could be very difficult to work with. One had to be a team member or otherwise out you went. Finally, he stated that there were some script doctors working on it and it will be ready soon, but we can start shooting right away.

"the investors are okay with this?" I said surprised.

"oh yeah, Colin's talking them into it now, he's got all sorts of charts and story boards right at this moment convincing them that it's just fine", he sat back and smiled broadly.

I rubbed my hand across my face. I was feeling very nervous, something wasn't right but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I mean the money was incredible and some of the opening visual elements could really put me up in the big leagues.

Finally, I agreed and we were to start filming next week.

Week one:

Talk about money, they have everything out here for the crew and the actors. No one has to ask for a single thing.

We started with the giant special effects shot. Stuff blowing up left and right, it was amazing. But as I looked around I noticed that many of the sets had gone up with it. Sets that we still had to shoot on.

I brought this to morons* attention. "oh that, we are bringing in some crews to rebuilt it, got to break a few eggs to make an omelet!"

I shrugged, he's* the money man.

Week two:

The old blown up sets, some of them still quite usable were being hauled off by the locals, I had to say something.

"moron*? those sets are still good, why don't we still use them?" I said blankly.
"well, things have changed, can't do anything about the thefts, it happens sometimes in movie making, like all the copper that got stolen off the T2 set", he said off handedly.

I scratched my head and went back to work.

week three:

Our first AD suddenly without warning fired the whole crew!!! This sucks!!! How am I going to do my job?? Worst still, moron* through him a party because of it, what gives???

Week four:

Things are not going well. Those rewrites I had hoped for look exactly like the original stuff I read in the beginning. It's just plain confusing, I don't know how moron* expects me to get any good footage.

Week five:

You know those fired crew members? They were locals and they are pissed. They have begun picketing our set. There were a few rocks thrown but nothing major. I got some good footage but I fear most of it will end up on the floor due to the confusing story.

Week twelve:

we got hit by a major rainstorm last night, most of our equipment is now worthless and the new crew seems less than enthused to help us find other stuff since they are getting paid less than minimum wage.

Several of the remaining original members are able to cobble together parts from the surviving lights and grip equipment to make something work.

I went to talk to moron* about this and he* told me the money is on the way. But in the mean time we have to shoot the film with the equipment we got.

Week 30:

A rather large second unit arrived today. They have all new stuff and seem to be getting paid better than us. WTF is going on here???

Unprofessionally, I barged into morons* office and demanded to know what was going on? Now I saw the true colors.

"You don't like it, tough shit, you signed a contract for the duration. You just try and quit and I will hunt you down and your name with be shit in this town".

I couldn't afford that kind of bad press, I skulked out of the office.

Week 46:

The fired crew? Remember them? well, it's gotten really ugly, what little working equipment we have now, gets sabotaged nightly by them and we are now finding various "presents" in our camera equipment aka poop. We are calling them IED's Indigenous Excrement Delights.

Week 78:

We get virtually no footage anymore. We shoot and shoot but nothing seems to develop properly. We are getting nothing but hate mail from the editors.

Yesterday, a group of the investors came by to tour the set. Dog and pony show. I just want to do my job. Sigh.

With all the paparazzi around them and the quick paint job on the set, it looked like something was actually getting done, but we have been through this before, as soon as they leave it's like the paint instantly starts peeling.

Week 125:

Good news, it appears as if there was a turn over in the executive producers. It couldn't come too soon. It seems that they also have brought in a script doctor or two and they actually may have written an ending!!!

Moron* doesn't like this one little bit. He* believes they are going to compromise his vision.

Me I just want to get back home to my family.

I yearn for the words one day, "that's a wrap!!", but they seem so far off.

I should have just taken that job in Canada and avoided this whole mess from the start.

It's better than crying in my beer or smashing the teevee in disgust.