The candidates must really think we're stupid. Here's why:

The Great Debaters: The Candidates (rubber g)Love America.


Look at these three people.
What's missing? If you guessed
"Asian tambourine player" you're right!


This picture of the republican candidates
is actually one of those optical illusion
pictures. Stare at the center and a 3-D 10,000lb
gorilla named "Iraq" will magically appear!

All of the candidates think each other suck. Who am I supposed to not believe now?
One man, one vote. Unless I'm republican, then I'm one man, his dead grandfather, and with a little help from Diebold, 3 votes! That said, Democrats need a commanding lead to win the White House. As they drag each other through the mud, in the end, are we supposed to choose the least muddy? 'Cause there's a guy over there holding a towel named Dennis Kucinich and he doesn't have a speck on him.

Then there's the Republican candidates. Why do they debate? They all agree with each other! Republicans always agree with each other. Critical thinking, reality, and economic mathematics bounce off of them like nerf darts. If they don't tow the party line then they are considered traitors and are no longer invited to the annual "Rev. Moon's Annual Naked Money Roll". They're also left out of the (cha-ching) lobbying job or board of director job after "serving the public"...*snicker, knee slap*.

Here's my short assessment of all of the candidates thus far:

Giuliani- Good, if not great, mayor. I was in New York for the garbage strike under Ed Koch and WOW! That was unbearable! Trash everywhere festering under 90 degree heat. Plus, the piles of garbage gave the rampant numbers of junkies, muggers, and various other scum bags more places to hide behind. UGH! Giuliani made New York livable. Now we know that he did it through a systematic method of heavy handed corruption and a few well placed social programs to make himself look good. Is that the kind of leadership we need going into a recession? Who cares, he doesn't have a fishes chance in the Potomac.

Clinton- Let us take a moment of reflection. You (the highly intelligent and might I say, quite good looking, reader) knew attacking Iraq was wrong. I looked at the evidence and knew that attacking Iraq was wrong. I don't know about you, but apparently she don't read so good. She voted for the worst political disaster in US history that has thrust this nation into the worst economic down swing since the depression. She was actually right on board, all for it, 100%, and here's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkS9y5t0tR0">proof. She's since had a change of http://www.hillaryclinton.com/issues/">heart. She's made realllllly bad decisions based solely on her political future before. In the words of George W. Bush, "Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...I won't get fooled." I just hope that she won't have a first term that is singularly focused on reelection at the cost of the citizens of the nation.

Romney- Mitt Romney is not human. He's actually a robot created by the GOP. How do I know? Well, have you ever seen him swim? He has good hair, nice teeth, tall, handsome, commanding presence. Unfortunately the only faction of the GOP that had the funds to build him was the Church of Latter Day Saints *chuckle*. All kidding aside, really, he's a robot and must be stopped.

Obama- First off, let's address this whole "inexperience" thing right off the bat. I don't have the experience to be president, you don't have the experience to be president, my cat might be a good president if it didn't mean massive discretionary spending on hair-ball research, but the three of us don't have what Obama has; Folksappeal. Sure, he represented a slum lord, voted "present" more times than not, and did a little cocaine, but who hasn't? Well, most likely the three of us again. All that aside, his stance on the http://www.barackobama.com/issues/">issues is clear...ahem...his stance on one issue is clear, he wants to be president. That's one stance we know he's pretty certain on...perhaps.

McCain- He is an ex-prisoner/war hero. A very old and politically motivated war hero. We know that he's willing to reach across the aisle to achieve some pretty good stuff. It's what his other hand is doing on his own side of the aisle is what bothers me. I'm not saying that it's the type of thing that should be left in airport bathrooms, but the way he's been consistently trashed by fellow republicans throughout his career and still stayed in line amazes me. I can only conclude that he's got a chronic case of Stockholm Syndrome that makes him constantly sympathize and side with his captors. If he becomes top dog will he be released from this Patty Hurst-like grip the GOP has on him? Okay, enough with the masturbation jokes.

Edwards- He actually has written down his health care, foreign, and economic http://www.johnedwards.com/issues/">policies. And they're not on the back of candy wrappers, no, they're typed and spell checked and everything! Too bad he's unelectable because he's a lawyer. Yup, he's the only lawyer in the whole government. I like his attention to detail and that tight lipped look that he gets when the South Carolina possum wheel starts rollin' in his head (otherwise known as thinkin'). But I don't want to let him off of the hook on the Iraq War. He voted for it. Just like Hillary. And he had all of the evidence I had at his finger tips to make the right decision. He didn't. It definitely made him not look soft on terrorism, but it made him look completely soft on integrity. After eight years of Bush, a lack of integrity scares me wayyyyy more than terrorism.

Other- Ron Paul says some great stuff, but the unshowered masses I've seen on the street corners handing out his literature look like single issue voters, i.e., legalization of marijuana. Smart democrats aren't fooled by this guy. Sure, I'll be in line for a puff the moment legalization happens, but let's regulate corporations and get some labor and pollution control first. This guy is a deregulation nightmare. Dennis Kucinich has the hottest wife on the planet. That is no reason to vote for him. His intelligent, well thought out, and reality-based stance on the issues are the reason to vote for him. If he were taller, better looking, and had a deeper voice he'd be the front runner. Does his small stature and perceived meekness make him less of a man? Well, obviously the redheaded British supermodel beside him begs to differ. Mike Huckabee has http://www.mikehuckabee.com/?FuseAction=Issues.Home">issues. Eliminate the IRS. Prayer in skule. You becoming christian-er. He plays the bass guitar. Nobody who plays bass guitar can be bad (Gene Simmons withholding).

Conclusion- One thing I would like to emphasis; DO NOT THINK THE REPUBLICANS CAN'T WIN. One (perceived) piece of good news comes out of Iraq and people are once again voting against their own best economic interest. The propaganda laid down by the GOP over the last 30 years has drilled itself into the psyche forcing candidates to at least have one picture of them shooting or not aborting something. The next Democratic candidate has to be strong and EVERYONE has to vote for them whoever they are. Hillary looks like the one, thus say the national polls. Regardless of what the kooky Iowans think or what I've said about her here, we need to be prepared for a major shift in thinking in the US. A welcome shift. The citizens need to buy back their country after the Bush fire-sale. Don't allow another republican to make the fire sale a "going out of business sale".


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