Breaking: Excerpts of Clinton's Historic Speech Leaked to Press

Due to plummeting poll numbers, in an effort at damage control over the recent "snipergate" scandal, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has decided to give a major address to the American people on the issues of snipers, misspeaking, and sleep deprivation.

We have obtained excerpts of this speech:

"14 years ago, in a Balkan state that still stands across the pond, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched Bosnia’s improbable experiment in ethnic cleansing. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across the Tuzla valley to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their full frontal assault on my foriegn policy experience."

"It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that armed men are out to assassinate me."

"On one end of the spectrum, we’ve heard the implication that silent black helicopters are in an exercise in terrorism; that it’s based solely on the desire of wide-eyed partisans to purchase yellow cake uranium on the cheap. On the other end, we’ve heard my former arch nemesis, Slobadan Milosevic, use incendiary bombs to express views that have the potential not only to widen the ethnic conflict, but concentration camps that denigrate both the greatness and the goodness of that nation."

"But the truth is, that isn’t all that I know of the man. The man I met more than twenty years ago is a man who helped introduce me to my caped costume, a man who rescued me from a chinese prison camp; who taught me martial arts and sword fighting on glaciers."

"I can no more disown the sniper than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown that eight year old girl, a suicide bomber who was using the poetry recital as a cover."

"This is where we are right now. It’s a Mexican standoff we’ve been stuck in for years. Contrary to the claims of some of my critics, superpowered and otherwise, I have never been so naïve as to believe that we can get beyond our military quagmires in a single action sequence, or with a single action hero – even an action hero as awesome as me."

"There is one story in particularly that I’d like to leave you with today – a story I told when I had the great honor of speaking on Dr. King’s birthday at his home church, Ebenezer Baptist, in Atlanta.

There is a young, thirty year old police officer named John McClane. He had been visiting his wife in Los Angeles.

And John said that when he was at a Chritmas party at Nagatomi Towers, the terrorists attacked. He knew that the police couldn't fight the terrorists, and so John decided to fight them himself, yippie kayee, motherfucker.

He did this three more times, although the second time was really horrible and there was a cool math problem the third time.

Now John might have made a different choice. He could have helped the terrorists like my opponent would have. But he didn’t. He sought out allies in his fight against injustice.

Anyway, John finishes his story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they’re supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up how they accidently shot a kid who had a toy gun. And finally they come to guy named Zeus who’s been sitting there quietly the entire time. And John asks him why he’s there. And he does not bring up a bomb at his kid's school. He does not say german terrorists with english accents. He simply says to everyone in the room, “I am here because of John, who reminds me of Hillary Clinton.”

“Who reminds me of Hillary Clinton.” By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white guy and that old black man is enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children."

then she sends in evil flying monkeys, "I'll get you Obama, and your little dog too!