Presidential Daily Briefing: August 12th, 2004

(courtesy of the maniacs on AAR "Morning Sedition")

Presidential Daily Briefing: August 12th, 2004

Subject: Upbeat Slogans Trigger Dangerous Levels of Irony

Mr President:

It has come to our attention that you have had to stop using the
phrase Turning the Corner in campaign speeches.

A wise move, since the last person to use this expression was a
Republican named Herbert Hoover who was blamed for The Great
Depression. Clearly not an association likely to pull in
the swing states.

When using an expression like Turning the Corner, you unwittingly
provide the opposition with a weapon called irony. We realize that
it's too late to introduce you to new concepts, but irony can be
a serious threat if unchecked.

Unfortunately, we've reached the point where such upbeat messages
only provoke snickering from the snobby and un-patrioitic left.

However, truthful slogans such as The Economy is Slowly But Surely
Tanking or Your Job Went To India won't get us any votes either.

So, the situation is this:

You can't run on your record,
You can't say upbeat things about the future,
and you certainly can't tell the truth.

So, the only card left in your deck is the ATTACK KERRY CARD. Even now
we have teams of researchers coming his 20 years of faithful service in
the senate for even the most minor embarassments, a period of time you
were safely drilling dry holes all over the state of Texas.

So, bash early and bash often. Remember, if all else fails, we can
still blow something up on November 1st. Hoover Dam? No, that would
be too ironic, and we've been thru all that.

Respectfully,

Office of Homeland Security

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