Will the Real Maverick Please Stand Up

Dear readers, I have had a shocking and dramatic change of heart. John McCain and Sarah Palin have convinced me that overturning Roe v. Wade is a magnificent idea and we must pursue it at once.

John McCain particularly influenced me on this because he is a beacon of character standing up for the rights of the unborn. I’m positive he’s caught on to us miserable sluts having abortions willy-nilly and with the same frequency with which we sneeze. Obviously, we need to be stopped like the runaway trains of death we are. He is a very perceptive man. And, a maverick.

I am a maverick too. Thus, I have a plan~

To the women involved:

In the case of pregnancy by rape and incest, all I can say is, too bad lady – it’s not the baby’s fault and your uterus does not belong to you anymore. It’s a place for men to put sperm and public policy. Your body is to be referred to now as “The Uterus.” You will have and raise a baby born by rape, incest, reckless youth, impossible genetic defect be damned, by failed condom or pill you forgot to take. If you said “No” and he said “Yes” – well, that’s just the way he rolled. Congratulations to your uterus. Now plan a baby shower and get over it.

To the men involved:

Now, in exchange for banning abortions entirely, I would like to address another part of human anatomy which is your dick, sir. Once you put your dick in a vagina and make a girl pregnant such that her uterus is engaged with your child, in exchange for outlawing abortions, you will be aware that the following will occur (which you won’t mind doing because you people love babies, respect life and embrace fatherhood whenever it comes to you as evidenced by the millions of father free children we have now):

At 13 years old, “men” will register a mandatory DNA sample and sign a form for the Social Security Administration. It reads:

I understand women cannot impregnate themselves. I agree to be accountable (50%) financially, (50%) custodially (100%) emotionally and (100%) paternally to each child born out of every single vagina I stick my wanker in throughout my lifetime, OR suffer significant jail time, property seizures and weekly garnishments to repay the government for my portion of applicable adoption/social/medical services and vasectomy fees/procedures rendered as a result of every unintended pregnancy. In lieu of 50% physical custody, I authorize the US Treasury to enforce child support laws using the expertise of the FBI if necessary. I give local government the authority to give me a vasectomy should it be in the public interest. It’s about time legislating medical procedures concerning my personal procreation process apply to men and women equally. If the law forces “The Uterus” to have all children, the law should be able to force me to have no children or control the number of offspring I have to balance things out.

X_______________________________.

For rape and incest cases, fathers will be apprehended via the national DNA registry, put in jail for 18 years and required to work making bird cages or hat racks for all I care. Monies paid to bio dad for said work shall be remanded to the birth mother or adoptive family until the child is 18. The United States government will assume the burden for life-long counseling for the rape victim, her family and her other children, if any. The United States of America will also pay for medical care for the victim and child for life. Should “The Uterus” contract AIDS or any other disease during the assault, mom is to be given a house to raise the child in.

John McCain has several homes. In fact, he can’t recall how many he has. Since he is such a patriot, I say he gives a house to a single mom of a child born of a savage rape. That’s what a maverick would do.

Regarding “The Uterus” and fathers who are 13-17 years old, who cannot have, or do not have a drivers license – walk to medical appointments. If you live in a rural community, 30 miles away from any hospital – ride your skateboard until you’re old enough to go to the DMV and get your damned license.

About teen parents, FYI, John McCain will not be your president. He will be the president of your fetus only. Drop out of school, get a work permit and get busy at Radio Shack or wash cars for the rest of your life. Once you have sex and get pregnant, both parents need to get a job. If you only make it to 9th grade – well, it sucks to be you and you can’t vote anyway. You’re parents now. So what if you’re not responsible enough to keep a fish alive for a month. Give it up for adoption and don’t blubber and tell me you can’t imagine it.

Sometimes, it takes a visionary like John McCain to open our eyes to the endless possibilities the future brings. Despite birthing and mothering every American baby from 1776 to present- standing up for the rights of the born on a daily basis…our women are incompetent and immoral creatures bereft of judgment to make the difficult calls in our own lives. I do not know what I was thinking to presume a woman or a girl, her parents, her partner, her clergy and her physician should decide what happens in her uterus. John McCain or Sarah Palin should decide.

We've come a long way baby.

And unless I'm still off in the department of subtle humor; the Dallas Mavericks are the real mavericks. I'm probably still missing a tie in though. :)