Which candidate is the baddest muthafucka on the block: a comparison

Let's compare the resumes:

Youth

Kerry Learned finer points of hand-to-hand combat in Switzerland, inventor of the famed knife. Was a mountain man. You know who loved Switzerland? James muthafuckin Bond.
Bush Went to boarding school . . . and we all know what happens at boarding schools.
Cheney Ate twinkies, drank chocolate Yoo-Hoo, wheezed.
Edwards Wrassled alligators.

Athletics as a youth

Kerry Played soccer. You know who else played soccer? Vinne Jones.
Bush Was a cheerleader. You know who was a cheerleader? Kathie Lee Gifford
Cheney Had note from home exempting him from sports. Wheezed.
Edwards Wrassled bears


Higher Education

Kerry Joined Skull n’ Bones. As part of initiation, got in coffin, whipped it out, and whacked it.
Bush Joined Skull n’ Bones. Masturbated in coffin where Kerry had already masturbated!
Cheney Ate snickers bars, drank whole milk, wheezed.
Edwards Wrassled copperheads, became Southern gentleman.

The ‘Nam

Kerry Kicked commie ass.
Bush Joined “champagne” unit of Air National Guard. This is lucky for Bush, as he likes champagne: it makes him “tipsy.”
Cheney Had “other priorities,” such as eating Lucky Charms and wheezing.
Edwards Too young; kicked ass of commie kids in neighborhood.

After the ‘Nam

Kerry Put finger in the chest of US government and told them to go ******** themselves.
Bush Got DUI.
Cheney Heart attacks 2 through 4.
Edwards Wrassled somethin’

Nongovernment professional life

Kerry Kicked mafia ass.
Bush In most oil-rich state of the lower ’48, found sand.
Cheney Traded with Iran and Iraq. Wheezed.
Edwards Kicked corporate ass

Romantic life

Kerry Used French-language skills to nail lots of hot women; married tough-as-nails, sexy Republican and seduced her into switching parties.
Bush Married schoolteacher, finally learned to read
Cheney Married someone who would later try to ban reading material
Edwards . . . found himself a Southern belle

Adult athletics

Kerry Ice hockey . . . ice hockey!
Bush Attempted to ride bike to ride bike without training wheels. Failed
Cheney Walked on treadmill as part of post-heart attack rehab
Edwards Wrassled Komodo dragon

America where men are men & girly men are repubs.