Ousted from the in-laws

The other day my wife and I went to visit her parents, they used to stop by more but haven't in a while so we thought we would go over there. My father-in-law is a staunch Republican so we sort of have an unsaid rule that we don't discuss politics, of course when we got there he was watching Bill O'Reilly on FOX, I didn't say anything and just chit chatted about trivial things. He did end up changing the channel though which I thought was pretty cool of him but I didn't mind either way.

In the midst of our chit chatting my wife says "so, what do you think of Obama now?" and my stomach sank, I said "honey, why do you even need to bring this up?" no sooner did I say that before my father-in-law started going off. He's a Marxist, a socialist whose not even legally our president because of the birth certificate thing and is going to ruin our country.. yada yada.

Well, as you might imagine at that point I jumped in and told him Limbaugh and FOX had him brainwashed, his immediate response was "FOX is unbiased!" he brought up how much weaker we are now and the terrorists will thrive. I informed him that terrorists have never thrived as mush as they have under Bush. At that point he lost it, told me I hated America, etc and walked out of the room.

Now, this is his house and we payed them a visit. No matter what his beliefs are, it's not cool to go into someone's home and do that and I feel really bad about that. I told my wife I was going out to the car and to take her time and come out when she was ready.

Needless to say, her father has made it explicitly clear that he does not want to see me again, period. No family gatherings, birthday's etc. basically saying that I was a "fucking liberal who will ruin this country" give or take a word. I let my wife know that I was happy to see her parents and always have been and think we can do just fine without discussing politics. They don't agree and have written me off completely.

My wife is taking it pretty well, she's the one I really feel bad for. She let her father know that she believes in Obama and what he stands for and hopes they don't cast her out too, jury's still out on it. In any case I wanted to vent on this as I feel pretty bad for my wife and hope they will all maintain contact, I am really trying to encourage that and don't want to be the divider in the family.

which is a long way from where we live. She went back at Christmas and was told by them and her brother and sister-in-law that "that ni**er will destroy our country and take our guns and spread abortion" etc., etc. I don't think I'll be visiting for some time. They know my liberal bent. Perhaps in a couple of years. It's not your fault that they have blinders on.

...is either a white collar worker or in a supervisory position at a manufacturing plant. A lot of rabid RWs were brought as lock step followers of a "strong, resolute" leader. President Obama tests that "principle" by encouraging the questioning of our leaders and managers and that makes white, RW males head's explode.

And he's a pretty decent guy overall. Personally I don't really mind one way or the other if I see him again or not but my wife is taking it pretty hard and I feel bad for her. I have never said a negative word about him to her and try to keep things as civil as possible. She's mostly disappointed in him and doesn't see how he can be so hateful.

......

And he's served his country well I'm sure. He lives in a trailer park on a fixed income, he will surely have more money in his pocket under Obama, sort of ironic.

....his indoctrination over the course of 20+ years is why he is wired the way that he is. He's served his country honorably and is perplexed as to why the rest of the country is so "undisciplined." Many field grade officers and senior NCOs share the same trait and it's primarily attributable to the strict adherence to the chain of command.

Groucho, that is..LOL! "Time wounds all heels" HA HA HA!!

In time they will come to realize what we already know.

things will go differently for you all. I'm not holding my breath though.

I think it is time to take on these idiots directly. That are damaging this country and people lives. I am sorry for you. Good luck. Maybe he will cool down and come to his senses.

drop out of school.

Now you and the FIL don't have to pretend anymore when you're in each others company because you don't need to share any space with him any longer, since he doesn't want you around. Hey it's one less thing you'll have to worry about.

to me too. Sometimes there has to be a little pain to get on the right road.

about religion. My mil went off on me, at MY house, because I'm a non believer, which means she "has to pay more" (?) This was last summer, we have not spoken since and my SO has rarely spoken to her. She told my SO's siblings that "I got in her face and was loosing it" because she attacked me and I didn't set there like a rock and take it.This all started because I decided on a hot day I was going to have a margarita with my tacos. She jumped up and called me a drunk(I have about 1-2 drinks a month)and went on a rant.I'm really kind of glad she and her venom are out of my life actually.

Sorry about the hijack but yes it does feel good to rant.

If you are banned from family gatherings, then so is your wife and I think she should make that clear to her parents. Her first priority is you and she needs to join you in exile. What. She's going to go to an anniversary party without you? Her father will come around. But then you can't talk politics.

The entire country has been uplifted by Obama and though she knows he's a republican, she really thought he would have been uplifted too. In fact, she was quite taken back by his response, bless her for being naive but had I known she was going to mention it I would have stopped her.

She sounds very sweet. Now she needs to go to her dad and take the fall because she did start it.

that you can't easily reason with them about. Only thing they weren't difficult about was religion, so I didn't get stuck with any fundie element. But the control, the need for me and my dh to feel the same way about the world as they do, the racist stuff, etc was plenty enough. This was way before the whole Obama thing - can only imagine how whipped up this has made them. lol, but glad I am not around for that spewing.

I was never happy with but was used to their illogic nastiness about things; we'd stop speaking on/off over the years because of behavior just like your wife's dad exhibited. You know there was no call for him to do what he did, and your wife ought to know that too.

What put a permanent stop to things is when my parents finally went too far and took it out on my dh, as your wife's parents did to you. Yeah, I grew up with them and their defects, so I felt stuck at times, but my dh was gracious and put up with them because he loves me. So when they finally crossed that line, I cut contact with them. It was equally, if not more, mean spirited, vicious and meant to control and hurt as much as what your dw's parents did to your wife, via cutting you out of the family picture. They did this to her for her innocent comment about Obama, and just used you as a conduit to punish her. She needs to reflect on that.

My thought has been, yeah, sad not to have parents, but frankly, any parents who would make a war over politics, or religion, or whatever they feel that their kids can't have different opinions about aren't acting esp. parental, imho. I wish I had tolerant, non controlling parents. I don't. Your wife doesn't either - maybe part of the time, but not when it counts. Imagine, putting your precious daughter in the position they did, of saying her beloved husband can never be a part of the family again. Why? Something small (compared to the joy of having a daughter you love being with) like a political difference of opinion. And esp. for them to nail you, the dh, when you not only didn't bring it up, you were engaging in an already progressing family conversation about it. How very small is that? I will tell you, no matter what she thinks, they love themselves far more than they love her. Otherwise, this never could have happened.

If those people want a daughter and son-in-law, they need to start acting differently. And your wife should explain to them why she is taking time off from speaking to them, until they've had a chance to reflect on how poor their behavior is, and figure out why a daughter would want to spend time with people who are being so nasty. Urge them to reflect and make changes, not necessarily in their opinions (would be nice though), but in their way of expressing those opinions. And in their abilities to allow others to maintain different opinions and beliefs. Might want to write a letter or email instead of calling (never went well when I called to give them the space they needed - rather ugly when people who are rash are confronted). There are loads of nice people in the world to establish relationships with - there is no rule it has to only be blood relatives.

Caveat - I still haven't spoken to mine, but we have no kids, and frankly, it has been such a relief. I'd tried forever to get across to them to play nicely, but once they blew up on my dh, I realized all I'd ever accomplished was developing my "walking on eggshells" skills. And they blew on him, after >20 years of us being married, so I had walked the eggshells and periodic bannings because I wouldn't tow their line for all that time, plus my 20 some years of youth before my marriage.

OTOH, I do wish I had been born with "parents" who'd love kids more than silly stuff like politics or their particular race bias, or their need to control their family members views and opinions. Much good luck to your wife on this one. You did nothing wrong yourself, neither has she. You two merely have a difference of opinion, and that isn't a crime in the larger world. Shame on her dad for making you two feel like it was a proper reason for banning your presence.

Now, if this is just a single issue deal with her, you and them, perhaps she can get this resolved - all her parents have to do act with civility and good manners when faced with a difference of political opinion from their own. You sure would think it wouldn't be all that hard, huh?

certain customers at work 'cause I just know they are stuck in their thinking.

If she makes it clear to them that you are her husband and she stands with you and shares your ideals, they will come around. He will respect that coming from her.

And, try to arrange a few family gatherings at your place, make sure you invite them, and let them make the choice to join in or not. He will soon come around as her mother puts pressure on him not to destroy the family by acting that way.

Good luck and tell your wife that many of us here are in the same boat and welcome her to come join us too.

Really, how are we gays supposed to compete?

x(

with that brainwashing shite. There will be other ways to get what ya'll should have.

But, I think one of our missions as activists is to get it more out there how heinous the limpbaughs, the wannabes, and fauxsn00ze is for our country.

My family has been sending the 'evil Liberal' emails my way. I just told my sister never to email me again and put her on ignore. It is so sad to know that my ignorant family will be part of the problem not the solution. These are supposedly educated people who only worry about their own money and position. So sad.

It looks like he's in stage one although watching the long drawn out loosing streak as McCain picked Palin and basically ruined his chances your FIL has probably jumped to stage three which is very easy to get stuck in. Understanding what's going on with the Right helps you. He's trying to take his anger and frustration out on you because he can't deal with accepting the facts of the situation yet. It'll help you wife to understand this too.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life it becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Unable to face the outcome of the election, they cling to the nasty barbs still being launched by the disgruntled. Usually the best remedy is education, but unfortunately I think some are immune. Best of luck dealing with this mess.

because they cannot control themselves. As much as I try to avoid political conversation they always manage to work into a family discussion. I can only take so many talking points before I feel the need to respond and then it is game on. I just don't want to waste the time effort and emotion on them anymore. Sad to say, but I do not seem to be missing very much.

works this mess out they will lose their own argument. He will not destroy this country. If it goes down it will be because of something like oil depletion and that cannot be blamed on us. They are angry that things did not work out their way and blame us for the mess. Time will show them the truth.

The real question is whether or not he will admit he was wrong when it becomes apparent.

Only with the freepers cheering about the vet who threw the commie liberal out of his house for good.

I would not let that get in the way of every day life. Extreme is extreme, no matter what side you are on.

I thought you and your family were holed up with the in-laws after losing your jobs and house or something. Am happy that's not the case.

My guess is there is a lot of not-so-well-masked racism going on with people who are "afraid" of Obama. One of my neighbors who has voted straight Republican for all his eligible 75 years did vote for Barack this time around. But all 4 of his kids voted McCain. He said "My own grown, well-educated children couldn't handle a black man in the White House."

He sound exactly like Rush would too, it was disgusting.

who would have thunk it...

...by my immediate family.

It's hopeless with some people. I'm actually glad I don't have to dance around their damaged thinking anymore.

This sounds like the exact same thing my family went through 30 years ago, when my brother and his wife were caught up with Marxism, feminism, and anti-Zionism, while my parents were traditional liberals. The fights were huge! They were awful. But, there was always someone (my mother, usually) who would bring the family back together for another round. Because of that, we always stayed in touch, until finally all those wounds healed and we're all very close to each other. I think it's your m-i-l's place to solve the problem, by bringing everyone back together. There might be another round, but at least the doors of communication will stay open.

It isn't good for that situation to linger. It is hard to explain to the grandchildren that the family is locked in a civil war. Give him some time to cool off and convince your wife not to bring it up again.

To be honest I personally don't care one way or another if I ever see them again, not to sound cold but I've just never developed much of a relationship with them. My main concern is that my wife maintains it as she always has.

I was not that close to my FIL but you are right that your wife needs to be close to her family. We have Dems and Repubs in my family and it can be awkward at times, but you just have to make it work.

and family too precious.... I would suggest letting things cool a bit, get a message to him that somehow tells him you respect him as the father of your wife and do what it takes to re-establish getting together (no political talk). This is the time when we who are trying to bring the world together, have to work just a bit harder to win over those we can. Even my dad (80, Army veteran, racist, republican, etc..) voted for Obama and is happy he won! Yes We Can!

one of the most important issues we have today..that of the brainwashing of certain hate radio jerkys and fauxsn00ze.

Even Obama had to bring up limpbaugh and if the Republicans wanted to get things done they had to stop listening to him for cris sakes.

Evidently they hold power over people who don't want to think for themselves. I lived in on Kauai without a tv for many years..when I came to New York in '98 I bought one and started watching fauxsn00ze because of all the glitter. It took me about two weeks to realize they had an agenda and I stopped immediately.

I feel sorry for those people who got sucked in..and I'm really sorry for the verbal explosion that happened at your inlaws, ericgtr.

Maybe they'll come around in this lifetime.

With me it's my parents, not in-laws. We've had our blow-ups in the past, mostly between my dad and I. I have resolved not to say anything in anger, because 1) it does no good and 2) it makes my mom really upset. But my dad will still try to goad me into something. When that doesn't work, he speaks reasonably to me when we are face to face, and he responds pleasantly, but then when he gets home and charged up by Hannity or whoever, he writes terrible emails to me. So now my tactic is to just not answer. He brings up politics, and I just smile blandly. My mom will see it and comment, "you're trying not to answer, aren't you?" and I smile and say yes, and she's happy that I am doing it that way. Because it does no good to try to talk to somebody who only knows what he knows from FOX, which is an alternate reality from what the rest of us know. I don't need to be insulted.


Since the election, after several days' silence my mom has started an email conversation with me in a very reasonable tone. My dad has promised not to butt in, and hasn't, although they share the email address and I'm sure he reads everything. But my mom is exploring topics such as racism with me, and it has been productive. You have to help out those who are sincerely looking for a way to like the new president. She's been Hannity-brain-washed, of course which makes it hard, and since she was born in 1930 she's had long years of prejudice to overcome. But she likes Condi Rice and that's a starting point for a conversation about how people can be talented and smart regardless of their skin tone. But she still thinks Hannity is "a scholar and a good guy". Sigh!

I know how it feels to be insulted. I was called a "stupid liberal without any sense" by my own father. I have been "brain-washed by the liberal universities". But I know it's because of right-wing radio and his unfortunate lack of the true facts. For years, FOX has minimized every screw-up of the last administration, and magnified any misteps committed by any Democrat. So that's what they "know".

My advice, if you get on speaking terms with them again: don't insult their news sources. Don't say stuff like "everybody else thinks otherwise". After some time passes you should try to get on speaking terms again, saying something like, "look, we don't need to fight about politics. Let's just agree not to talk about it, ok?" Things will undoubtedly cool down, unless you make some kind of threat like, "I'm never coming here again!" In time they will forget what the spat was even about. It doubtless hurt you more. You have to think of your wife being in the middle of all of this. If you have kids some day it will be even more important. In my experience conservatives like these have strong feelings but they don't run too deep. Without constant infusions of outrage from RW radio and TV, they lose strength. It's artificially pumped up. If you can separate the person from the propaganda they are receiving, you can be more forgiving.

Oh, and a point of etiquette: if someone invites you to their home, they should not watch TV while you are there, except when the program is the point of the visit. If you just dropped in, then they have a right to continue to watch a favorite show (if they can't record it for later). Your wife shouldn't have asked that question, but I can see why she did. Seems like the whole world likes Obama right now, and it seemed safe. But beware the FOX news consumer! To them the world is a scary place right now and the new President might not be what he appears to be. They are expecting the boogie man to show up any minute.