Republican father casts daughter out of his life

A few months back my father in law and I got into a political argument, normally we just don't discuss it but my wife brought it up and it sort of snow balled.

Anyway, I just dropped it but he couldn't and long story short he told my wife he never wanted to see me again. Keep in mind that this was a while back and I tried to apologize to the guy but he's a very angry person.

The other day my wife decided to call her mom and her dad answered, my wife asked for her mom and he said she wasn't there.. then he paused and said "so, have you been watching the news? How do you like the fact that Obama is flushing this country down the toilet?" My wife asked not to talk about it and he kept going on and on until he finally said something like you don't care that this country is socialist? She said she was happy with the new administration and he said "Have a nice life" and hung up.

My poor wife, she hasn't done anything to deserve that treatment. I really feel bad for her. This man sits around all day watching FOX News and listening to Rush, no exaggeration. He hears nothing else and believes nothing else.

What is the benefit of having someone that far gone in your life in the first place? Relative or not.

If your wife were my friend, I would tell her to sit down and write a letter to her father and say that she loves him UNCONDITIONALLY and hopes that he can accept that her political views are different than his, and that she's more than willing to simply put political and religious discussions OFF THE TABLE when the two of them interact, in the interests of peace and family harmony.

If the father still wants to be an asshole, well, it's on him.

And YOU? You just need to STFU around that mean old man. If he talks politics, you talk football. If he squawks about Obama, you ask him how the fishing has been.

Bite your tongue. Be the BETTER PERSON.

There's no point trying to "win" in those situations. There are no winners. All you get from that kind of strife is ruined holidays, tears and hurt feelings. Be the bigger and better people; demonstrate the class and maturity that the old man lacks. If the guy insists on badgering you, pull the "I've got a headache, I need to lie down," excuse. He'll get it eventually. If you refuse to engage, he will run out of steam.

with these assholes because they never shut up.

Second - being the "better person" only portrays you as weak to them - a sign that they take as encouragement for more intensive attacks.

Third - refusing to engage does not shut them up - they will continue to spew even if no one is there.

Fourth - there is a winner. The Pos Who abuses his child like that. By ceding the floor to him, he does control things.

I have had a similar situation for years. My FiL is a StormFront kind of guy. I say nothing whenever he starts his shit, as requested by my wife. But, it does poison the atmosphere around them.

Turning the other cheek just leaves you with matching bruises.

And that is the effort that I have tried to make, simply don't talk politics and either shut up or change the subject. After first meeting him several years ago he made a dig about liberals and I said "so you don't like liberals huh?" and he said "I think they should all be shot!". I waited for a smile but it never came, just a look of disgust on his face. From that point on I chose not to engage him about politics.

First, if they never shut up, LET THEM TALK. Listen with half an ear, or not at all--put on headphones, and smile a lot. If they ask your opinion, say you have none, or don't really care to share it, would rather talk about something else.

Ignore the behavior. Ignore it. If they goad you, ignore that, too. Go sweep the driveway for your mother in law, wash her car, organize the garage, or do some other little chore for the poor dear.

If you have no respect for this man, and I assume you do not, why do you care if he thinks you are "weak?" Do you really concern yourself with the opinions of people you regard as assholes? I don't. If an asshole dislikes me, I figure I'm doing something right.

You also underestimate the strength that comes from that "turning the other cheek" that you disdain. Silence can be a deadly weapon. Try it sometime. You'd be surprised how much mileage you can get out of it. The madder he gets, the quieter you get. Oh, and don't forget to SMILE.

The "winner" at the end of the day is the one who acts like the ADULT. Let the old man "control things" -- what does that actually take from you, if you humor a nutty old crank? Soon enough, the old man will be dead. You do NOT want to be the guy who prevented your wife from spending time with her idiot father because you couldn't control your temper and just ignore the rantings of a nutcase. You do not want to stress your wife and make her feel torn and guilty.

You'd not do well working in a mental health hospital--there are people who talk ragtime in those places all the time, and are sometimes abusive as well. You have to learn to take bullshit from mentally ill people with a grain or ten of salt. See, their minds are disordered, that's why they behave that way. I learned patience from a relative who did that kind of work--he was a tremendous example even in egregious situations, and I observed him and followed his lead. It's a better way to go through life.

Your wife is in an IMPOSSIBLE situation. She is being forced to choose between her father and her spouse. Her stress levels must be unimaginable. You don't want to add to them, simply because you need to be "right."

IMO.

that is they will keep running their mouth trying to goad a fight and eventually they will say something so stupid, so over the top that you can't help but respond. And to them that is a victory.
We have had such folks in our family and we make visits with them very rare.

is very effective. Pisses them off, they go nuts and sound like the lunatics they are and I just continue to laugh at them.

Participating in pointless non-arguments (i.e. not a discussion of disagreements, just dueling rants) does absolutely nothing to help anyone. As my dad used to tell us, you might as well be barking back at a dog.

I've been doing that for 15 years as of tomorrow. Personally, I'm tired of it. That and the religious crap and the anti-immigrant bull**** (I live less than 15 miles from the border). Swallowing my opinions has made me physically ill. I do not want to spend any time around my inlaws, whom I can't avoid since we live in the same town. Rant is now off.

did I mention that he is a retired senior NCO in a military town?

I came down on him like a ton of bricks. Didnt even mention the liberals. Just his rotten sense of family loyalty. I told him that there is going to be a whole lot of scapegoating. And that it hurt me to view my father in the same light as the insane fools out there paranoid and violent. He was so taken aback that that is the last time we have done anything harsh. I told him that I only ever defended those innocent or weak. And that I hadnt brought up politics in YEARS. Did he even notice? Blunt logic and subdued wisdom sometimes works, then there are times when you must avail yourself of the insanity. WE have truth, they have slogans they cannot deefend. Not to mention, we are far more intelligent and informed in general. So, let loose, or be thought a treasonous tool.

inspiring.

I see it at work all the time. The right wingers are always the ones to start spouting off and there is no changing the subject. Same was true when I was a kid and my parents' friends would come over. The Republican friends always brought up politics and I would watch my dad sit there like a bump on a log because he did not want to "start anything" (even though it was already started). The best thing to do is avoid the dad altogether.

Its like the mouth from hell. Even though he knows our differences well, and that we will never see eye to eye, he can't shut up. Its like he's dropping little pieces of flamebait in a circle all around me. Well, I can choose not to talk to him and I do. But its his choice, really, to alienate everyone around him.

:thumbsup:

I just think that when one is the "cause" (and we know that the old man is being the ass, but the fighting is between the poster and the FIL) of a rift between a spouse and a parent, one cannot win. Far better for the spouse to reach out in a letter, make her point plain, and then leave it at that. If the father wants to continue to be a jerk, it's all on him, and the spouse can have a clear conscience.

Forcing the wife to choose between a parent and a spouse just puts stress on the wife. I think anyone who can be the bigger person, and subjugate their own viewpoints--or maybe even "have to work" and be unable to attend the odd family event--in order to keep peace is the bigger person.

What you do with your father is your business. If you start getting into it with your father in LAW, though, you're affecting your spouse.

Again--when they're dead, they're dead. You don't want your loved ones to have regrets. That's all I'm saying.

I don't know if you have children, but if and when you do, he will lose out by not being a dad or a grandpa. I hope he doesn't pick up a gun someday. With passions that strong against your child, what would they be against a stranger?

I am not comfortable with them having a key to my house.

them handle the psycho.

You should not have to live in fear.

and make sure you tell them why.

but we have just agreed to disagree. At least he's not THAT crazy.

I feel for your wife and you. That sucks. I hope he comes to his senses.

watching FOX and being close minded can do that to a person.

the Bush culture. It started when he was in office.
Lots of us lost long term friends and family members due to the 'unity' the fascists bestowed upon our once united nation.

they made sure they keep on repeating it over and over again.

but have never acted that rude to me ever. We get in arguments all the time but we know its just arguing about politics and we don't let it carry over into real everyday life. In fact, my parents are my best friends. We agree to disagree and even have a few good laughs over it all. How incredibly sad that your father in law refuses to let politics go and learn to get along with people who disagree with him because in the real world everyone has their own opinion.

politics is just an intellectual exercise with no real-world consequences.

My FiL has stated that I do not deserve to live "in his country" - I am supposed to ignore that and make nice because of a marriage certificate?

I can understand the conflict and sadness that people do have when they are cursed with a relative or friend like that. But to slough it off and continue the relationship makes me think that they do not really care about the differences.

As long as a person is respectful and listens then I'll talk to them all day long.
Talk about taking away my rights or that of my friends, there is no more discussion.

they are active participants in taking away your rights and/or the rights of your friends (unless they happen to be voting for that teensy weensy fraction of a percentage of repub candidates that are socially more liberal).

grandparents again? Think again. Family is family and you can't pick and choose who you end up with for parents.
I continue to point out to them the hypocrisies, lies, and hatred of the Rethug party, Rush, Faux news etc. but they believe what they believe and I believe what I believe. My parents have never told me that I don't deserve to live in this country. In fact, it was my father who encouraged my involvement in politics to begin with. He took the time to talk to a 16, 17 year old girl about what was going on in the country but let me make up my own mind. My brother and I ended up as liberals as we were shaped by Poppy Bush's failures and then the election of Clinton, that is when we came of age. My parents were shaped by Jimmy Carter (whom my Dad voted for but later disliked) and then Ronald Reagan (whom they consider their hero..yuck). But we agree to disagree. The minute they decided to tell me I was a freak for being a liberal is the minute I would drop them like a hot rock. They know this and they consider their relationship with me to be more important then their political beliefs. Many people are even married to opposites politically, it happens all the time. The point is we all decided to let it go. Sounds like your FIL has not. When its a one sided relationship then there is a problem.

Continuing a relationship with your parents is far more important than their political views, or yours for that matter.

I never stopped being friends with anyone because we don't agree politically, it would make for a darn boring life if everyone had the same views on everything. Besides, neither party holds the holy grail. Both have made plenty of mistakes.

;-)

:hi:
I'm sure not even all Dems totally agree on everything all the time (as evidenced here on DU) but that does not mean we have to stop being friends.

LOL!!!

Take care!!!

:pals:

If he's taking politics that far, he's got serious mental problems.

...I'd follow it. Your peace of mind will thank you.

He is miserable about something. You, and probably your wife, have little hope of being the people who help him figure out what it is and how to fix it. It almost assuredly is deep, complex, and involves issues that have developed and played out over a lifetime. He has found a "community" as virtual or disconnected as it may be, who give him excuses for the way he feels. It is a relatively seductive set of excuses because he basically gets to blame it on "everyone else". If there is anything here for you and your wife to do it is to understand and reach out to your mother-in-law because she is having to live in/with it.

Alternately your wife can remind him that there's a chance that she maybe the one deciding what nursing home he lives in so maybe he wants to clean up his act. ;-)

That always throws them for a loop. They rant about guns, I agree the biggest problem are the few who aren't responsible. They rant about socialism, I agree it's wild that the government owns GM. I do exactly what they do, find some obscure "tsk tsk tsk" that everybody can agree on, and let 90% of the rest of it go. Then they can't really get too pissy when I stick to a basic principle on poverty, death penalty, etc.

Unless the mom is just as bad, your wife needs to sit Dad down and clarify the First Amendment and Freedom of Assembly. Dad can do whatever he wants, but he's got no right interfering with your daughter and her mom.

what can you expect?

The RW crap aside, this man has SERIOUS problems if he cannot respect his own daughter enough even if they disagree. He sounds like an over-controlling authoritarian who insists that his women do what wants and when he wants it.

Suggest to your wife that now is probably a good time to take a break from him and to perhaps step back and see the pattern of this behavior. She doesn't need to buddy up to him if he is like this. Telling him 'NO' and expecting respect established a relationship boundary he is used to breaching. The world doesn't revolve around his desire to control everyone else's world view.

My father is like this too--he blows gaskets constantly, but I'm used to it. We had to do what we have to do.

my wife can't simply ask to talk to her mom without him hammering her and she's fed up, who could blame her. At this point there is no relationship with her folks what so ever, her mom sides with her dad unfortunately and does whatever he says. Basically, my wife is unable to communicate with them.

I feel partially responsible because I pushed my wife into contacting them, I told her they are her parents, they raised you and love you, something as dumb as politics can't get in the way of that. I had no idea.

Really, you will. Just don't expect them to change and make sure you take *every* threat seriously. You may want to consider counseling (you and your wife together) to consult a professional about ongoing issues with the parents. My husband and I have had to do this on a number of occasions and it was worth it to know we had a set of trained, unbiased eyes looking at the circumstances. This has helped us to make better decisions for our family in a more business-like manner rather than ones which are purely based on emotion. Remember that HE is cutting your wife out of their lives, so don't let her carry the responsibility for HIS choices or her mother's. Her mother sounds like a classic enabler but is also guilty.

If she's as recalcitrant as your FIL, then there's not much your wife can do other than letting them know that she loves them. Politics should not tear families apart. Life is too short and what do we have if it were not for family and friends?

:-(

by their right wing guests.


Their problem was that I was exceptionally well informed and could out quote them and would drive them into the ground.


One time I was at a family gathering and somebody's husband was making some far right wing argument, I believe it was that "Ronald Reagan was the greatest President that ever lived". I simply stated that I couldn't let the comment go as is and let everyone assume that I believed in it but I didn't want to continue the discussion.

Well the fellow who was the host kept going on and on and I would simply respond with, "I don't think the facts support that" or "if you say so".

The guy wouldn't stop and everyone else started leaving the room. I just sat their quietly with my soft responses. After a while my brother, a conservative came back in and started telling the guy he was full of it, and much to my astonishment my mother, an ardent Goldwater follower was moved to come back in an said that she didn't believe that Reagan was ever as good as people thought and she thought it was shameful that he always talked big but ran out of Lebanon at the first sign of trouble.

By the end of the night I was sitting quietly and the whole group was taking this guy apart about their frustrations with the Republican and conservative movement.

The fact is that these people not only don't like us very much they really don't like each other. Sometimes you can take a 'soft' approach and get a good result.

If he keeps it up and you are classy about it I believe that your mother-in-law will eventually put her foot down.

:shrug:

However, during the election I'm glad he wasn't around.

Till this day I do not understand how a man who got a Masters Degree in Chemical Egineering and was upper middle management at AT&T and Lucent in product development, had numerous patents, and was a great all around guy, could sit there mesmerized by Bill O'Reilley and Sean Hannity.

Most of mine and my husband's families are conservative. I posted something on my facebook page one day and got blasted by two sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law. I think the words "fascist, socialist and Obama" all appeared in one sentence. WTF? I am regularly greeted as "Hey commie!" or "It's the wannabe Mexican" whenever I visit my brother-in-law (yeah, he's a peach). And Christmas dinner was thoroughly ruined by a conversation on global warming. I have told all of them that politics and religion need to be removed from the things we can discuss. It gets too ugly. I end up cussing at my mom out of exasperation, and considering I only see her once a year, our conversations should never get to that.
When political conversations digress, I pull the historian card (I'm getting a PhD)...which will shut up everyone except for one relative. They don't know actual history and I thoroughly enjoy using it against them.

these personal stories make an impression on me.

Tragic but true and more proof how faux-hate radio is brainwashing people and destroying their lives and our country if we let it.

I'm really sorry for the pain it's causing your wife, you, and your family.

Yea, you can't pick your family. But it works two ways. Don't go to the in-laws, but invite them to your house. That way creepjerk will be on your turf when he acts like an a-hole.

I have spent too many hours silenced in my own home while "guests" and relatives spewed their hate.

Being Jewish (married to an ex-Catholic, now UCCer), even if they went as far as blaming me for killing their Jesus, my role would still be to sit quietly and not make things worse. That does not make me happy, just a peacemaker (or a patsy).

But many here seem to be saying that I should not make waves by arguing with these wonderful people. Their friendship/whatever is more important than any "political difference."

Sorry, but I just do not get that view. And I never will.

It is often true that the more emotional the conversation, the fewer the facts and the shakier the logic

The splendid method of Socrates, used pleasantly and thoughtfully, can unmask the ignorance and irrationality that underlies the rabid foam. With a little practice, you will easily elicit the contradictions: of course, you will be tactful enough not to explicitly gloat over them but will rather act interested, though perhaps sometimes slightly perplexed

You know the bridge at Deadwood Gulch has been washed out. When you ask "What does the signal light say?" -- your opponent in response will shovel more coal. The train will inevitably leave the track behind

I have lots of conservative family/friends who are great people.

The problem with OP's father in law is not that he's Republican, it's that he's a lunatic.

put his love for his daughter above his ideological hate.

I can't imagine how horrible she must feel.

I have an R mom, a RWnut brother, and a LW brother...they are my family, and no pinhead comes between us.

Over the years, we have agreed, disagreed, discussed, argued, and always reconciled. We were brought up to respect the opinions of others, but not to agree w/them out of hand.

My hope is that there is a bridge that can be built, regardless of how rickety it may be. Family is far more important than politics...if your FoL can't figure that out, he's a sad individual.

I have Rightie family. But they live a liberal life, caring for their family and community. I have no problem with them.

I have other "family" who life a conservative life, fucking everyone around them whenever they are in a position to. They are not my family, no matter the genetics.

Respect. That is the key thing. Most of us can disagree with those we love, and most do at one time or another. As long as you have that mutual respect, you have the basis for a relationship no matter how often or heatedly you disagree. But when you do not, then you might as well pack it in and loose their phone number, cause its all over but the hurt.

however, i think it is a good perspective. We've always had "momnets", but when the chips are down, we know we can count on each other.

On the other hand, I know of some people that haven't spoken to some family members in many a year, usually over something I figure is pretty trivial...:hi:

he has been badgering me from his right wing perspective and I got tired of it about two months ago. I stopped calling him after hanging up in anger. He called me each week but has stopped his Limbaugh-Hannity-Coulter-republican crap. Now we exchange calls and talk fishing and more pleasant stuff. Sometimes it works if one just ignores them until they figure it out.

off limits, things simmer down.

I talk politics all of the time w/my LW brother, but talk fishing, home repair and other stuff as well w/both of them. I rarely speak politics w/my RW brother...unfortunately, he's a dittohead and Faux devotee...:(

My Mom suprised me when for the first time in her life when she said she refused to vote for McCain. She didn't vote for Obama either, but she absolutely refused to "vote for another idiot in the Republican party."...:D

Just by how he talked to her on phone you can tell what an asshole he is. Your wife is better off not having deal with him. If I were her, I would feel relieved about not having to see him any more. Sorry, but you can't force your parents to love you, and if they don't then you should cut them loose asap.

alone, he may reconsider and then again he may not. But, you and your wife need to move on if he will not be civil in your presence. And, as mentioned above, change the locks on your doors.

My Rethug mother is so whacked out, she's told me that when my husband needs a stem cell treatment for his lymphoma (some future/maybe-never date but the last treatment option available to him for now), she won't be able to bear the thought of her daughter and son-in-law being "murderers" of helpless little "children" (embryos). Listening to a Rethug rant about abortion, stem cell research etc. etc. in the most despicable terms, without replying once is pretty tough.

Anyone telling you to just "not" discuss politics with the family is pretty crazy. For those Rethug family members who are as passionate about politics as us DUers, that means it's bound up in their lives very tightly. It's who they are. If all of us are simply putting on the fake front, who really needs that kind of relationship? I've let those go.

For those relationships that continue however, it means the convos are incredibly false and virtually dishonest. I know mine are with my mother. My weekly conversation revolves around the weather, the weather and did I mention the weather? It's not the basis for a loving relationship. Her whole persona is "Republican" and anything I do is "liberal" and denigrated. She asks, "how's riderkid?" "Reading upstairs," I answer. "Really?! It's 10:00!! You are being way too permissive for a 12 year old, you damn liberals are raising children who don't have any sense of discipline." "Mom, calm down, it's summer vacation. She'll sleep until noon tomorrow. She's getting plenty of sleep..."

Blood pressure rises. There's always an overt or covert slam. After a while you have to wonder why persist? I stick with it because I'm a stubborn bitch - let her cut me off if that time comes like the OP's father in law did with his daughter.

Some families are not made with blood alone....

Probably a Freeper, too.

Nothing can be done. He's mentally gone, and that's the way they want it.

Cultists, pure and simple.

It's unbelievable. Swaths of bitter, grouchy, grizzled old white men who are frustrated because they now live in a world where their racism isn't tolerated, their Republicanism isn't fashionable, their hatred is unacceptable and their "Red Menace" insults and warnings either have no emotional significance or are met with laughter.

Their ideas and opinions are a thing of the past that need to be buried. They aren't in contol anymore and still feel the need to hate someone or something to compensate. Time has marched on and they have not; they're still stuck in 1985 where they were surrounded by a group of people that considered liberals "pansies", "commies" and "weak". They're clinging to "us vs them" ideologies of the past and wondering where all of their like-minded friends have gone.

They're in a fast descent to isolationism, fed all the while by their new "friends" . . . the godddamned fanatics at Newscorpse and Jack Welch TV. With each passing day they just get worse and worse and feel they need to share "the message", which is merely Bushified hatred on steroids.

Some are so steadfast that they're willing to prove it with fatal action for real. Then there are those who have the potential to pull it off, and they're scary.

I should know, because I'm losing my dad to these fucking fanatics at Faux. My mom and sister cannot stand to be around him because of his constant right-wing hammering, all of it vastly incorrect and hilarious since he was once a blue-collar worker. How does ANY worker love Reagan? The answer is hatred, and there's no shortage of that among the grizzled.