THE NEW 2006 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

THE NEW 2006 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK by ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER



SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.



LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
minutes for lunch to get balanced meals to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers,and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to
learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary funerals should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders".

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.


The Governater

It truly reflects the situation "on the job" in many workplaces. The employer has all the power; the employee does not even possess power over his/her own life.

The RESTROOM USE item reminds me of a case I heard about in which a landlord refused to allow a tenant's employees to use the only restroom on the premises. One guess as to where the employees relieved themselves as they worked their eight hour shifts without bathroom access. That's right -- on the floors in the building. And what was the nature of the companies' business? Food processing. No joke.

So, you see, sometimes, the consequences of inhumane, unjust working conditions don't just affect the employees. Sometimes they intrude into your local supermarket or your home and can affect your life. Think about that the next time something you ate doesn't agree with you.

Thanks for a good laugh! :D :D :D

:kick: