A response to Texas secessionists

From The People of Texas

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Obama wins
president over McCain. We'll miss you too.

Good for you. We leftists don't tend to whine and throw a temper tantrum and scream for secession just because we lost an election, but if that helps assuage your damaged ego, then that's fine. We won't miss you too much.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Elect Barak Obama President of the United States. (All 49 states.)

Done.

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.

Good for you! I'm sure he'll lead Texas to prosperity. After all, he assembled quite an impressive resume while he was POTUS; turning a (Democratic) budget surplus into a record deficit with his fiscally conservative policies, starting an illegal imperialist war, using the Bill of Rights as toilet paper, and presiding over the worst economic collapse since the Great Depression. I can think of no better man to be the first President of the Second Texas Republic.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (We will control the space industry.)

Sorry, but we can't let you do that. You see, NASA is controlled by the Federal government, which you want to do away with. So unfortunately, we're going to have to go and move all of that stuff out of your new Republic (of course, we'll be sure to bill you for the full cost of the move). But don't worry, we'll let you contract with us for your space needs (at sharply inflated prices, of course. Because, you know, there's that whole pesky "supply and demand" thing about the free market. And unfortunately for you, we'll have a near-monopoly on supply. The Russians might be a bit cheaper, as long as you're okay with having all your launch services controlled by the former "Evil Empire" halfway across the world.

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

That's nice. Hopefully you'll have lots of places to store it, since demand will be sharply reduced by about, oh, 92%. I'm sure that you'll find a way to burn it all up after a while though.

3. Defense Industry. (We have over 65% of it) The term "Don’t mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

Sorry, but we just can't let that happen. You see, we can't allow our *American* defense industry to do business with a potentially hostile foreign nation, especially one which we share a long common border with. As with NASA, we're gonna have to take that with us too when we pull out.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

Again, I hope you have lots of storage space for that, since 92% percent of your market just disappeared.

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

Hey, Silicon Valley is always up for a challenge!

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

That's nice. Too bad the majority of your population won't have the money to have access to them.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, Ivy grows better in the south anyway

Great! You might have to invest more in remedial courses for incoming students though. Because, you know, your secondary education system seems more concerned with teaching kids about how Noah got all the animals on the ark than with math and real science.

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (Just open the border when we need some)

That's great! I'm sure the Mexicans will enjoy the opportunity to work in Texas. Oh wait, were you referring to the United States?

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

Oh darn. That'll wreak hell on the US economy. Losing all those toxic assets held by the insurance industry especially will be a major pain. Oh well, I guess we'll have to make do without them.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

That's a clever system. Sounds kinda like the one the North Vietnamese had, and we all know how that pesky Vietnam war ended. Of course, any victory will come at the cost of staggeringly massive human casualties, but hey, "give me liberty or give me death", right?

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

Food is always important. It's good to know that, when it comes to food, you'll be self-sufficient ....just like most other countries in the world

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only Mr. Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

Great! Just the incentive we need to finally break free of the clutches of the oil industry and build a clean, renewable energy market.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that the space program is run by the Federal government, and that we're taking it with us when we pull out? Damn, I thought I mentioned that. But hey, we'll always be more than happy to contract with you for your space needs (at the full, inflated market prices. You know, it's that whole pesky thing of supply and demand, and unfortunately we'll have a monopoly on the supply).

You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes

Oh, don't you worry guys. Most homes have electric central heating. It's much safer than natural gas, and can be run using entirely renewable electrical technology, such as wind and solar!

but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Yeah. Sorry that we lied to you about global warming. It really is just a hoax....just like evolution and that absurd idea that the Earth is round (I mean come on....everybody *knows* it's flat!)

Signed, The People in Texas

Have a nice day!

Hey, you too! We wish our former countrymen and women all the best as they set out to build their new country.

Oh, by the way, we'll send you a bill later on for your fair share of the national debt. Don't worry, it's only about 1 trillion dollars. I'm sure a hardy, fledgling state like yours will have no problem paying back debts equivalent to almost 100% of their GDP. Even if you can't, we'll work with you. Perhaps we can take over some of your oil operations to help pay the debt. It shouldn't affect you too much, since you'll have plenty of petroleum lying around anyway after losing 92% of your demand. Of course, if that fails, you could always sell us back all that shiny military equipment we sold you to use for your National Guard. You can buy secondhand Soviet equipment to replenish all the military hardware that you'll have to sell us to cover your debt.

All the best, Texas! Remember, "live free....OR DIE!"

Isn't Iowa the state that has Sen. Snakeinthegrassley?

to some unnamed secessionists, either from an email or elsewhere online. Because you're not finding any here, or did you think you were on FreeRepublic for some weird reason?

Not a very good start to your early posting history on DU.

I was reading through some secessionist garbage and just had to vent somewhere. I figured the journal function here would be the best place. I was wondering why the hell it was asking me to put it in a forum. I figured it was a blog just like any other, and not a regular forum post. Didn't mean to offend any Texas DUers, just a textbook proof of Hanlon's Razor >_<

So how the heck *do* these things work?

However, to avoid the kind of comments we lobbed your way on this thread, next time at least say where you got the source material, and then maybe post in GD. We get enough Texas-bashing from DU-ers on the rest of the board without having to suffer it here.

As for the subject matter, if you ever respond to one of them over that idiocy, point out to them that the US government likely wouldn't let Texas secede, mostly due to the exorbitant costs, and not to mention the destabilizing effect it would have on the rest of the states ;)

And thank you for apologizing. We get very little of that from the ones that excel as hating on us.

Welcome to DU, by the way :hi: and I hope you figure out how to use the journal function soon. Maybe go to the "Ask the Administrators" forum and see if one of them might be able to help. If it's really screwy, they might offer to fix things ;)

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