Excerpts from A Concession Speech You'll Never Hear

This came to me as an email. Origin unknown. Enjoy ---


Excerpts from A Concession Speech You'll Never Hear



My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. Now, now. Credit where it's due.


I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, we need to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

.....

I like the Cartoon Network

from Adam Felber, the Host of NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," who ran a joke campaign for the Presidency.

http://felbers.net/mt/

The real text of his concession speech has the crowd noises in it as well, like this:

(Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps
up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause
are heard.)


My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken
with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. (Boos,
groans, rending of garments)

This is the ending, which you don't have in your email:

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had
something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your
sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the
people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's
not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this
easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say
that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who
subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms
about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and
excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And
you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral
values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need
to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to
provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of
pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are
willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a
vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I
suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours.
And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the
same.

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as
conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for
President in 2008. (Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber!
Fel-ber!) Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will
be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking
contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the
cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite,"
and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the
simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote
their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They
don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking
to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred
drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped
grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly
believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08!
Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every
one of you.

(Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal
the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied
chairs, and the empty field beyond.)

wouldn't the smart thing be to get them to vote Democratic?

This stuff is funny, but we still need to get a lot people on our side who seem to thing Bush is right. I'm just not sure condescion (yes, i know i misspelled that) and insults are the way to make it happen.

...I do like the dig about tax dollars flowing from the blue states to the red states while red state majorities gripe and complain and cheat and just plain do not pay their taxes. That needs to come to an end. How about having the tax dollars stay in the blue states and fix what is broken up there with more money for education, better roads, better mass transportation, higher paid law enforcement and fire protection, better protection for consumers by having better paid building inspectors, parks, recreation....getting the picture? I have lived in Florida for 35 years and I have watched as a state with great potential to be even better, go right down the sewer like Potterville in "It's A Wonderful Life". Deliberate strangulation of our public education by taking school tax money and throughing it away on a voucher system that subsidizes relgious private schools, using the state lottery as a tax on the poor, gouging again the educational ssystem, by promising that the lottery will pay for education, then taking businesses off the tax roles that would hve funded better schools and teachers higher pay, leaving education out in the cold. Foget mass transportation as a way of solving road congestion and high fuel costs in the state, rising auto insurance, those proposals are all shoot down while massive building of toll roads all over the state is in high gear. We have parks and recreation though, theme parks and crowded out beaches. The latest price for a one day-one park ticket at Walt Disney world is $58.00 for an adult 12 or older, yep, you are considered an adult when you are 12 years old when you pay for a day's entertainment at a theme park. Next thing we'll know 12 year olds will be able to drink adult beverages and be drafted into the military in Florida. And those federal tax dollars we send to Washington, I believe that for every dollar sent, we get back about $1.20 in federal programs, not a bad return, except almost all of that federal tax money goes straight into the pockets of the wealthy. We do get to work at jobs that pay just over minimum wage though, and I suppose that is something. Afterall, we pay more for imported Brazilian and California oranges then most other states do across the country. It is good to live in a red state, republicans look out for so few of us here. Good thing most of us know how to look after ourselves.