Ideas for reforming Islam

So here are my humble suggestions for some Good Muslim News. All they need is for the "powers that be" to turn them into reality.

1. A Council of Muslim scholars today produced the definitive "New Quran". Based on the original version, it omits all that Dark Age anachronistic stuff about stoning adultresses, beating wives, beheading Kuffars, amputations, lashing, lying to unbelievers and Jews, the so-called sin of Apostacy, and eternal Jihad, and instead concentrates on the good bits about worshipping God, loving all his creatures, respecting our fellow-men, and being charitable to one and all. It will henceforth be the definitive religious text for the Faith. The "Old Quran" will be retained merely for its historic and poetic interest.

2. The Supreme Council of Imams yesterday announced that, after a fourteen-century continuous war which it finally realized it would never win, a peace treaty has been finally concluded with the Kuffars, who would henceforth be known as "fellow-humans". All territorial claims to the rest of the world have been dropped, specifically including Bali, Southern Spain, and Israel. Any acts of war or terrorism by individuals or communities will be punished by excommunication, banishment, permanent prohibition from entry to the Two Holy Mosques, and denial of burial in Muslim graveyards.

3. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has today declared itself open to all religions. All faiths will be permitted to worship openly without let or hindrance. As evidence of its serious intent, it is allocating space in Makkah and Madinah for the building of a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, Hindu and Buddist temples.

4. A travelling exhibition, entitled "No More Lies", has this week started its round-the-world tour in New York. It disavows all the previous lies espoused by the Muslim Ummah, including the classic""Protocols of the Elders of Zion" is an authentic document" lie, the "4000 Jews got a phone call on 9/10 not to go to work tomorrow" lie, the "we don't know what nationality the hijackers were" lie, and the "Holocaust was a journalistic practical joke" lie.