BREAKING-- Cleveland Indians pronounced dead

June 29, 2009 (AP):

Following a fatal encounter with the National League that left them with an interleague record of 5-13, the Cleveland Indians were pronounced dead today by their baseball fans. Only Mark DeRosa, former Cleveland outfielder, escaped death, thanks to a fortuitous move that sent him to St. Louis just days earlier.

Cause of death is uncertain until a complete autopsy can be performed, though fans did notice the team exhibiting symptoms such as "clutch-hitting anemia" and "blownsavesinitus" prior to death.

Funeral services will be held at Progressive Field, formerly known as the Jake, in Cleveland. The team will be buried in the cellar of the American League Central Division.

Man, when it rains it pours (in Cleveland)

Game's all about pitching, pitching, PITCHING. And the Indians suck the balls of the dead from starters to (ESPECIALLY) bullpen. How many leads has this team blown?

Granted, they've had the worst luck this year with injuries and trades, but Pauper Dolan and Panhandler Shapiro have done NOTHING to improve this team since 2007.