Gypsies Tramps and Thieves: installment 17

Jimmie Gutierrez: Husband for a Day

Nothing changes on New Year’s Day. New Year’s Day 1980. Ring, buzz, and ring. A drugged out Ravenna awoke out of a near coma and looked at a clock. (:05 AM? New Year’s Day? Who in the fuck? Stumbling to the buzzer with tuinols, cocaine and vodka marching to John Phillip Sousa in her head, Ravenna buzzed in the intruder, Jimmie Gutierrez. Possibly the last person on the earth anyone could want to see under those conditions. Even under the best of circumstances, Jimmie “Shirley Loca”Gutierrez was almost impossible to take.
“What do you want?” Ravenna asked, shuffling to the bed. There were demands for drugs, money, food, information, accusations, and complications, lies innuendos…Besieged by a narcotic hangover of critical degree, Ravenna turned hot, then icy. “Get out Shirley”. “No” said Shirley. A Mexican standoff ensued. “I’m in no mood for games” Ravenna played a high card; I’m calling the cops if you are not out of here in ten minutes”. Shirley was unmoved. They could have built the pyramids in those ten minutes. When it became clear that Jimmie was not about to budge, Ravenna took to the phone.
The cops, two nice Caucasian hetero males, shortly arrived. Ravenna, confident of her position in this case, carefully and cruelly explained her dilemma. The cops were impressed. Then Shirley spoke with soft brown eyes, and soft brown voice. She said unadornedly “we’re lovers, this is a domestic quarrel”. Ravenna was stunned; the very nice cops were confused, and left.
Shirley, victorious this time, smiled at Ravenna, who, having few weapons left, invited her to bed. The marriage for a day was consummated.
Please, don’t tell anyone.

So please don't change anything because of me. First two paragraphs grabbed me. Pushed me into another world. Loved the choppy rhythm in your sentences. Made me feel like it reflected the chaotic setting of being awakened after a night of partying.

About paragraph three, the format changes, which also takes into account the two new people who come in -- The two cops. You can almost feel Ravenna knowing she has to be presentable. You used adjectives 4 times in that paragraph -- words that end in ly, shortly, carefully, cruelly, unadornedly. They say in writing to go easy on those, but in that paragraph I think it works. It slows everything down to take into account that the environment is changing, and the end is a nice twist.

to verbatim ,and when I finish all these I may just try and sort them into a unified piece. after I get a scanner and learn how to input my graphics.

Jimmie Gutierrez: Husband for a Day

Nothing changes on New Year’s Day. New Year’s Day 1980. Ring, buzz, and ring. A drugged out Ravenna awoke out of a near coma and looked at a clock. 9:05 AM? New Year’s Day? Who in the fuck? Stumbling to the buzzer with tuinols, cocaine and vodka marching to John Phillip Sousa in her head, Ravenna buzzed in the intruder, Jimmie Gutierrez. Possibly the last person on the earth anyone could want to see under those conditions. Even under the best of circumstances, Jimmie “Shirley Loca”Gutierrez was almost impossible to take.
“What do you want?” Ravenna asked, shuffling to the bed. There were demands for drugs, money, food, information, accusations, and complications, lies innuendos…Besieged by a narcotic hangover of critical degree, Ravenna turned hot, then icy. “Get out Shirley”. “No” said Shirley. A Mexican standoff ensued. “I’m in no mood for games” Ravenna played a high card; I’m calling the cops if you are not out of here in ten minutes”. Shirley was unmoved. They could have built the pyramids in those ten minutes. When it became clear that Jimmie was not about to budge, Ravenna took to the phone.
The cops, two nice Caucasian hetero males, shortly arrived. Ravenna, confident of her position in this case, carefully and cruelly explained her dilemma. The cops were impressed. Then Shirley spoke with soft brown eyes, and soft brown voice. She said unadornedly “we’re lovers, this is a domestic quarrel”. Ravenna was stunned; the very nice cops were confused, and left.
Shirley, victorious this time, smiled at Ravenna, who, having few weapons left, invited her to bed. The marriage for a day was consummated.
Please, don’t tell anyone.