How do you ask someone if they're gay?

For a while now, I've had a sneaking suspicion that my younger brother is gay, and I have no idea how to respectfully approach this subject. On the one hand, I don't want to offend him if he isn't. On the other hand, if he is, he might not be ready to come out yet. He's only 16, and I don't want to out him before he is ready to deal with that. Any advice?

If he is gay and once he is ready to come out, I am sure you'll be one of the first to know.

Ask and find out.

I personally like it when people are honest and up front, instead of assuming things or beating around the bush. On the other hand, some are more secretive, and need to come out on their own accord.


http://www.cafepress.com/liberalissues.21272015

I never said anything because she didn't seem to want to talk about it. But one night we went out drinking and I broached the subject very carefully. She ended up telling me all about it. I never said anything about it to others. I figured she would come out when she was ready. It took her ten years before she told my mother or anyone else in the family. So if he does tell you, be prepared to keep his secret until he is ready to come out.

Don't come right out and ask, let him tell you in his own time. At 16 he probably has a whole lot of questions that he needs to find answers to on his own. Just be supportive. When he's ready, he'll tell you.

might work....oh wait he's 16.

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gay people. I think their "help" would be to try to convince him NOT to be gay. I would NOT advise doing that.

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Don't need to make him kill himself because of the guilt they'll instill.


http://www.cafepress.com/liberalissues.21272015

...would you suggest? Or were you thinking more along the lines of say a lovely little stay at Exodus?

are you serious?
(say "no")

--:think:

Don't ask. He might not be ready.

BUT: just try making supportive comments about gay people. Do you have any gay friends? Start taking about them. Let him know that you are supportive of gay rights. Don't make it too obvious. Just show your support, and with that he most likely will come out on his own time.

but don't ask.

Pretty much all of my friends knew before I did; I'm really great at denial. (When the Thought Police come I'll be ready because I can double think like no other.) I'm sure if they had asked me about it, it would have just driven me further into denial and it would have taken even longer for me to come out.

As long as you remain supportive and make it clear that you won't judge or belittle him or out him to everyone else after he comes out, he'll tell you as soon as he's ready.

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is that what you think gay siblings think?

or are you just a rabid brain dead homophobe without a clue in the world?

Let me take this time to remind you that we have a lot of members of DU who happen to be survivors of childhood incest. And your comment is way out of line!

I just noticed the deleted posts in this thread...

...but this guy was way out of line with what he suggested.

he may not be gay

Just drop a few lines that you're a very accepting person in general (religion, race, gender, etc. Stay really broad on it). Just do this a few times here and there and only when it comes up in the course of a regular conversation. Don't ask him outright.

I had my first stirrings when I was 13-14 and it took me up until I was 17 to admit it to myself finally. Even then I only came out to certain people when I was 18.

He's still a teenager, give him time.

The biggest mistake you could make would be to come out and ask. You need to wait until he is ready to come out and talk openly with you about it.

My sister always knew I was a lesbian but ever asked me. And I appreciate her not asking me more than words could ever say. She waited until I was ready.

My sister and I have unfortunately seen some problems in the last three years, but we are mending those bridges. Now we sit down and laugh that when I was lying to myself and living a straight life, ow no matter where I went I would get hit on by women. Now I am out, and in a long term monogamous relationship with a fantastic woman, but am getting hit on by men. LOL

It could put a straight on your relationship with him, if you do ask. Just know that you are his sibling, and you will most likely be the first person he will talk about this with.

I've been wrestling with this issue for a long time. I really do want to respect his privacy, but I was also wondering if he just might be afraid to say anything, and I don't want him to be. But it's kind of hard to reassure him without actually bringing it up so directly, you know?

If you think he might be too afraid to say anything outright, listen for any hints he may be trying to drop for you. He may be trying to measure your reaction. Again, the most important thing for you to do is to remain open and not put any kind of pressure on it.

It's written more or less tongue in cheek BUT there's some really sound info... and it's by our own Plaidder.

http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/intro.html

(I disagree with the majority of folks who say to MYOB. Coming out can be excruciating - IMO, if a loved one shows that he/she's receptive, it can make things much less difficult)

What To Do When You Woop

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The more you learn about gay and lesbian culture from this fine volume and elsewhere, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to recognize someone as queer even if s/he has not come out to you yet. Knowing yourself to be a sensitive, supportive individual, you may wonder if you should try to use this information for good instead of evil, and let your prospective outcomer know that you Know. In some cases, this can be a good idea, but it must be handled delicately.

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First rule: Never out someone to him/herself.

You may not think this is possible, but it is. Many persons walk about daily giving off more queer vibes than an entire roomful of RuPaul clones, and yet continue to identify as heterosexual. This is because the human capacity for denial and rationalization is unmatched by any other mental phenomenon in the known universe. Ask Spock if you don't believe me. Your pal Bill may have just spent half an hour talking about how beautiful Jaye Davidson is and how he watched Stargate on slow motion, he may have pierced ears, tattoos, graceful and fluttering hand gestures and a fondness for hot dogs that you are sure has to be Freudian, he may just have ended his third brief and unhappy marriage, but if you sit Bill down and say, "Three strikes and you're out, Bill, I think you need to start looking for love in quite different places," he will be shocked, appalled, horrified, and more than a little angry. If Bill were ready or able to confront this possibility, it would have happened by now, and your well-meaning intervention will only alienate him and perhaps drive him further into the depths of repression. You must wait for Bill to get his own clue.

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More here:

http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/chap3b.html

Good luck,

The Plaid Adder

Many persons walk about daily giving off more queer vibes than an entire roomful of RuPaul clones, and yet continue to identify as heterosexual. This is because the human capacity for denial and rationalization is unmatched by any other mental phenomenon in the known universe.

All of my friends (and acquaintances, and teachers, and friends parents...) knew before I did, but luckily they had enough sense to not tell me. I'm freakishly good at denial, and I'm sure if they had told me it would have just made me deny it more. A few hinted at it, but I just ignored it until I was ready to admit it to myself. Then it became painfully obvious that everyone had known but me. Hehe.

Just find a way to bring up a conversation in which you say how important it is to accept people for who they are-- black, white, straight, gay, etc.

Talk about how you hate homophobia and you believe gay people should have the right to get married, just like anyone else.

Once he sees you're supportive of gay people in general, he will see he can come out to you when he's ready.

As you point out he is only 16 and thus still quite dependent on your parents. On top of everything else he has to gage just how your parents will handle the matter and how good you would be at keeping his secret from them if it came to that. You can be supportive and hope for the best but that is really all you can do for now.

I'm kinda confused on that.

It's trying to figure out a way to let him know that he can talk to me about this stuff without being too direct about it or coming across as confrontational. I don't care about his sex life.

If you aren't prying into his sex life, then don't ask questions about it.

I never ask my straight friends about their sex lives, but I DO ask about their family lives, their spouse, their children, how their last date went, and other details of their personal -- but not intimately private -- lives.

So knowing whether or not your own brother is gay makes a difference. Even if it's "just" knowing what pronoun to use when you ask about who they like, who they're dating, and other usually prominent issues in a teenager's life.

I would be okay with my sister asking "how's so and so" if she knew I was dating someone (or married).

But I would have been very creeped out if she had ever asked me "So, are you straight or gay" or "are you attracted to men or women".

That's a very different question than asking about how their family or friends are doing.

Knowing that someone is homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, etc. has nothing to do with their 'sex life'. If you look at homosexual relationships as only being about sex, your as bad as the freepers who hate us.

When and if he's ready, let him announce it on his own.
He's still young and in that curious, exploration stage. Let him figure out who he is on his own. Discovering who and what he is shouldn't be forced.


Why do you think he's gay?

Asking might cause him stress. I would imagine that offering support in case he ever needs you would be the best thing to do.

If anyone asked me about my orientation at that age, I would have freaked out. I was struggling to deal with my bisexuality at 16 and was in some pretty bad denial about the whole thing.

I would definitely agree with the advice to just be supportive. I wish I had that kind of support from my homophobic, fundie sister (luckily I had someone outside the family to talk to). Asking directly might not be a good idea--you never know where a person could be psychologically and forcing them to confront something they may not be ready to deal with could be a mistake. OTOH, just letting them know that you're there for them and that there's an open line of communication whenever they need it is a great thing all around. He'll come to you when he's ready.

Just my 2 cents.

And at 16 I doubt that he's entirely comfortable with his sexuality whether he's gay, straight or bi.

I think the only person that can answer the question should you ask him is you. You know your brother and the relationship you to share better than anyone here on DU. But if you do talk to him, try to let him know that no one is 100% gay or straight.

Looking through the loving question and the insightful advice offered here, I thought again how DU serves so many needs.

Good wishes to you and your brother, who is lucky to have such a caring sibling. This kind of respect and support will help him whatever his orientation is.