Relationship Advise

Well, DU isn't really the first place I'd turn for relationship advise, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sorry if this all comes out as a rambling post, I don't have organized thoughts and I have lots of mixed emotions, so if this doesn't make any sense or is hard to follow... well... you were warned.

Okay, I have been best friends with a guy for almost two years now. We hit it off pretty good right from the start. We share common interests, common problems, common goals, common beliefs... hell he's basically a carbon copy of myself. We don't see eye to eye on *EVERYTHING*, but where we disagree or differ it is more or less a complementary difference rather than something that causes friction. The guy knows everything about me, literally. He knows pretty much every fucked up idea that has ever crossed my mind, has laughed, accepted it, and to my amazement can come up with something even more fucked up on his own. Really, he's the type of person you'd love to have as a best friend... right?

Alright, here is the rub. For awhile now he's had more than "friendship" feelings toward me. I am not sure what exactly to do. We live some distance apart, but thanks to the wonders of the Internet we communicate with one another pretty much on a daily basis. At first I (as gently as I could) told him that things wouldn't work and that he should try and find someone else. He accepted that, but even a bit over half a year later he still feels the same way.

Now, you might be expecting me to say that I don't share any of those feelings, right? Well, that's not exactly true. I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me would love to have a relationship with him, but there are several problems with that idea. First, there is the problem that he doesn't live nearby. I COULD move closer to him, but the question is should I move for the purpose of a relationship? Second, there is the problem of the fact that I am afraid of what would happen if things didn't work out... would we still be able to be friends? I don't think it's possible to say yes or no to that as it would require us to know the future. Third, I don't *REALLY* find him all that physically attractive. Yes, I know it's superficial, and even hypocritical considering I'm not a great catch myself... and honestly I never thought in my wildest dreams that'd be a hang up for me. He's not ugly or anything, don't get me wrong, he's not even hard on the eyes... it's just that there isn't that you know... "Oh my god" type feeling when I see him. Forth, there is the lack of the "Oh my god" feeling all together. You know that feeling when you first meet someone that you like, those feelings of butterflies? That feeling of being unsure of yourself? That feeling of being unsettled? Well, that is non-existent. I feel perfectly comfortable around him. I feel like I can pretty much say or do anything that I feel like doing. He's the only person that I know - even more so than my own freakin' mother - who accepts me for who I am 100%.

My biggest fear is... this isn't exactly what I pictured for myself. If I entertain his feelings, and allowed any semblance of something more than friendship to form... well... it'd be serious right from the start. Dating is about getting to know someone, and frankly - I know every fucked up thought that has ever crossed this guys mind. He's flat out told me that he'd marry me without a second thought, that he could see himself settling down with me. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I've pictured myself settling down - who hasn't? I just never honestly or truly believed it would happen, not only that I never believed it would be anything remotely like this.

I am afraid of "settling". No offense to him, he's a great guy - anyone would be lucky to have him... but... there is a lingering fear in my mind of "What if I can do better?" I don't HONESTLY think I can, but the fear is there nevertheless. I don't think it'd be there if I felt those butterflies in your stomach - the crush - type feeling. That always seems to shut out all rational thought, and well... I am looking at this rationally.

More than anything in the world I want him to be happy and I don't want to hurt him. Every time he was honest with me about how he felt, I told him to move on and told him I didn't want to damage our friendship and that it wouldn't work because of the distance... That was only partly true. He's tried to move on, to his credit, and... oddly enough - although I've never told him... I *DID* feel slightly jealous every time he tried. I pushed the feelings out of my head, but they were there - I did feel jealous when he was dating someone. I still encouraged him, and cheered him on, even though part of me wanted him for myself.

That is what has me confused more than anything. If I don't have feelings for him more than friendship, why did I feel jealous when he was dating someone else? Am I being selfish? Egoistical? Unfair? What *IS* being fair? I can't imagine someone more perfect for me, and yet at the same time I can't understand why I don't feel head over heels about him. I can't honestly believe it's about physical attraction, because as the saying goes "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."

I don't know what to do. I just don't want to screw anything up... and even if I did decide to entertain his feelings, I still have no idea of how to go about things.

WITH some mutually agreed boundaries.

sex -- no sex at first, etc.

and be direct if you find that the romanttic attractions aren't there after a couple of time.

being direct is what will count as you know each other fairly well at this point.

better than sex gets you through times of no friendship

:shrug:

I had the exact same issue in my life 13 years ago and was terrified to lose my best friend

we celebrated 12 years of marriage Feb 4

:hug:

I've been on both sides of this issue. I've felt feelings for people who only felt friendship for me, and I've been in a relationship with someone I really only felt friendship for, well, okay, it was a marriage. With the marriage guy, we are actually still great friends. Such good friends we're still like family. So you can take it to the next level and still be friends afterwards, but that takes a lot of healing and a lot of work.

Now I'm in a relationship where I have those "Oh my God" feelings every day, every time I see her. There just aren't enough words to describe what life if like being with this person, and what it was like before. And we all have feelings that we're not just a great catch, don't let that be an issue.

I think you can have incredibly strong friendships and bonds with people who are not your partner. You can have that and still have the love of your life. He will have to deal with his feelings about not being the love of your life, hopefully he'll be okay. But don't let your feelings of friendship and wanting to make him happy cost you your chance at being with "the one"

Similar to your's. Your description of things tells me, you will be happy with him, taking things a step further.

I had a very similar experience/feelings with my own relationship before marriage, we got married, it has been the happiest and most self fulfilling 15 years of my life!!! We were so happy together we decided to never have kids, then we had an accident, now we have a 4 year old daughter...and us 3 together, are the happiest family I have ever met or heard of.

I strongly believe that life has been good to me BECAUSE of the friendship we had before we decided to get married!!!

Good luck.

how will you ever know that you don't like it?

Take things slow - weekend visits, try a vacation together to someplace that speaks a different language. If there is a real reason you shouldn't be together it will make itself known, but otherwise if you hold out for "something better" tomorrow without enjoying what you have today, then you're just missing out on today.

It may be that you have trust issues too or are afraid of getting hurt. Open up - if you get hurt it won't kill you, and if you don't open up you'll never know if he was the one anyway, or anyone in the future, for that matter.

Just be sane about it - laugh, enjoy the day, figure things out in your own time, but you gotta take a taste first and then decide.

I bet you your not the only one that has gone through this.

My advice. What do you want? Do you want to be a superficial person or do you want to be someone that wants unconditional love? When you answer that question, you will have your answer.

excellent basis for beginning a serious relationship. Try more weekends together. Schedule a short trip to see how well you travel together (this can tell you a LOT). Let the intimacy grow naturally, don't try to force anything-just let things happen.

Over the years I had relationships with several friends that didn't work out for one reason or another. I don't regret them and we remain friends. As you grow even closer, you may find yourself increasingly drawn to him and one day realize you're in love. Or you may not. Life's a bitch like that.

I can tell you from personal experience that there is no better life than to be in love with your best friend. We share an intimacy that is the envy of our straight friends who're still trying to figure each other out after years of marriage.

Most of all, I wish you the best and hope you let us know how things progress. I'm a sucker for romance, especially between liberal guys.

Thanks everyone for your advise. I'm going to take it all into consideration. I'll let everyone know what I decide.