A trans story

When I was 19 I was in a mental hospital.When I was there my therapists tried to make me un-transgendered.

One day my therapist said she was curious about my 'sexuality".She thought it was"peculiar" So we began to talk about it.She remarked how "masculine" I looked.I told her how I never heard the end of taunts in school,stuff like dyke"It", etc. I told her I felt more comfortable being masculine. She asked why?
I told her I didn't know why,it was always this way for me ,I never felt all that "female".I didn't know what transgender was back than. All I know is I was not a girl,never was.I explained to her my body didn't match the me on the inside,that there was always this discomfort about my body vs what I feel I am or was supposed to be.I told her my breasts felt like tumors and that I wished I could get them off,I told her I wished I could get my uterus out. That I would do it right now if I could.

What was the response? A sex reeducation class.
She described the class like it was a high school sex ed class.I told her I already knew the basics about sexual mechanics and all that. I told her I was not active sexually because I felt such pain and revulsion with my body being so wrong.She insisted I go to the class..So I went.

It was a nightmare.

In the class first day there were big sheets of paper taped to the wall,we were told to write the slang names any names of sexual body parts on these papers,since I was "female" I was put over in the female section of the room. I stood there not wanting to write, I saw others put up twat,pussy,tits, cunt etc. I just wanted to die.
I stood there with my magic marker..

Than each person read what they wrote,I was scrutinized because I didn't write anything.I sure as hell didn't say why.What followed was a typical film about sexual body parts you would see in high school health class.


The next class the presiding therapist asked everyone about their sexual expressions,again I said nothing but I had to sit there and listen as another patient described in detail masturbating in the bathtub on his unit about rape,and the person he described was me. There were not many people in this hospital with a big blue Mohawk and a vest with a panther on it.I was mortified. After that we saw a film about women's sexuality, it was as crass and degrading as a "girls gone wild " commercial and I was grilled about how I felt about it.And after that I got advice I didn't want.

After being told I would never attract a man with the masculine appearance I had,and that I was too"rough" and inappropriate I exploded .I told the therapist I am not a girl,don't you get it? NOT a girl NEVER was!! I don't want to force myself to be one!! NO I don't want to learn to be one either!! I stormed out.

After that I refused to go to class and spent the time in solitary. In response to my "non compliance". My therapist made up a "behavior modification" program she wanted me to follow. I was told to"soften" my look,to stop shaving my head, to not wear my vest,to try skirts and makeup and I was informed that staff would "assist" me with this..

This program became the mother of all power struggles,and I was put into solitary,restrained, lose privileges and humiliated until I complied. I was told how to sit,to not sprawl out,to walk a way that felt weird. One day I walked out on the unit in a skirt feeling so awkward, I went back to my room cut my arms and and put on my jeans.And That got me in worse trouble.
I could not stand the greasy feeling of foundation, I hated the hair I wanted my hawk back.I felt like a clown dressed up "pretty". Eventually they gave up on changing me..But for months I had played their silly gender conformity game, and fought against it.I tried to be someone else,and it made me dangerously suicidal.It never occured to them THEY were causing it.This hospital kept me way longer than what was required i had very good insurance so the admistrators had a financial interest in declaring me as messed up as possible to get the insurance money.

By the time the staff gave up on this 'program'the damage was done. I was re traumatized and I to this day don't trust any"professional" who thinks transgender issues are just a bunch of hysteria. Trying to be a "girl" is painful to my mind be it for my mother ,or to avoid being bullied at school or to please a fascist therapist ..Playing that game is deadly to me. I cannot be a girl or dress up like one, every fiber of my being reacts against it,it's like a gay person trying to act straight you cannot keep up the lie for long before it starts to tear you apart from the inside out..

To do sex at all for me is about focused imagination, because I do not want to feel my body is what it is.The wrongness is intrusive and it totally ruins sex for me.So I am asexual.

When I got my hysterectomy no longer was my body being flooded with crazy making hormones that made my mind crack up,no longer was I bound by the bleeding and the pain.With the uterus gone I felt calmer and more relaxed and no longer dreaded the reminder every month of everything wrong with me..

The therapist I have now,he knows my body is at war,conflicted,it's not all in my head. A war exists between my masculine psyche and partial male body and the feminine remnants,the parts that are a 'mistake'that will not disappear without some intervention. And he wants me to get my mastectomy. He agrees it will help me.When he signed his recommend I cried.If I can get the money I can get it done now! I wish so bad I could be free of this chest, for want of 6,800 bucks,I cannot afford..Surgical help so I can feel at peace.Transgender hurts until the body matches the mind.

That's how my situation us. For Trans-people the wrong body is like a closet we live through everyday of our lives. This closet body goes everywhere we go,with us every moment,this closet is there,until it is taken off and our true self is free.

o the bigots that run the state and many health insurances my situation is not real..and this is really bigoted. Just because some people don't understand they will not take my suffering seriously..And because of bigoted attitudes ignorance and fear the state will be able to discriminate against trans-people deny us a way to"come out of our wrong bodies, and feel at peace. It will go on as long as ignorance ,social control and unwillingness to accept what you yourself do not experience and cannot imagine can be true for someone else society will try to force gender and sexuality to fit into particular narrow binary forms ,and this will enable bigots to treat people who don't fit the mold as 'deviants' and make them second class citizens, deny them help they need and their human rights.

Different oriented and identified people who are not by their nature simply male or female or straight will suffer living lies.The closet is not just denying who you are attracted to and hiding it,the closet for trans-people is our own body.Straight sexuality is not all there is,likewise make or female gender is not all there is, it all runs through a spectrum,It is not male or female, straight or gay it's both/and/whatever else ...in different combinations inside each person. A dual rainbow.A dual rainbow has 2 bows the spectrum in a dual rainbow runs both directions..And sometimes one bow is more pronounced than the other one,sometimes they both are bright, it varies..Like the spectrum of sexual/personal identities and orientations do. The twin bows of orientation and gender are vast and unique to each person.

I ask how can another person who is not me ,who does not want to understand my situation,who will not empathize,or is unable to,or chooses not to get to deny me the right to define who I am for myself!!? .

And isn't that what WE ALL are fighting for?
The right to really BE WHO WE ARE and be treated like human beings with dignity and human rights?

Your story is heartbreaking.

And I have no doubt this has been done to other trans as well.

I accept you, you know that.

I admire your passion and respect your courage.

And I'm amazed at the depth of your compassion.

I am in awe.



Recommended.


(I have to sleep a couple of hours before work, but I wanted to let you know that I heard you)

I think you are awesome,and thanks.

I don't want to belittle the power of what you've written with shallow sympathy or expressions of understanding. Your story stands on its own and is a powerful reminder of why human dignity is the most precious thing we possess. I hope you realize your goal and become everything you want to be. Actually, I'm sure you will. Words like 'courage' and 'bravery' are bandied about very loosely today. Your story and determination show that you are liberally endowed with both.

I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

the frustration I feel towards the cruel hatemongers who simply refuse to accept people for who and what they are. Those who would force people to comply with their rigid gender and sexual orientation roles.

Thank you for sharing your story. To go through that and live to tell it took extraordinary courage. :hug:

That doesn't happen very often!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to hear of all the pain that you had to go thru to get where you are today.

The ignorance in this country is astounding, sometimes...

Confirmation of all I have known about the mental health establishment. The treatment you describe has been perpetrated on many nonconforming women, not only those who consider themselves trans.

I dealt with the same crap just for being a transvestite.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Love ya U.P.

misunderstanding about transgender issues and it is not talked about. My 6th grade music teacher had one of the earliest sex change operations and the nightmare that she subsequently experienced when it became public ("he" was tenured, "she" was not - was the school's claim) was my first exposure to this kind of discrimination. At least she had the support of her lifelong partner and many in the community. My heart goes out to you.

Your story was so touching. I'm sorry that you experienced what you described. It sounds like such a violation. I'm glad to hear that you are having different, more accepting, therapy experiences now. I support you in your uniqueness.

Your story is one that makes me want to do something I have not done in one hell of a long time:

Raise my fist in the air.

Your implied meaning is as strong as the face-value one as well.

All blessings to you.

I'm not unaware of it or how they try to 'cure' people through this systematic abuse. They abused you greviously and that is wrong. The treatment anyone who is Transexual or Transgender that is given in this country goes beyond horrific.

The only possible thing to make it worse is the sheer amount of ignorance about trans-people. There are transexuals who would be considered to be straight in the gender they were born into, yet many assume they are homosexual.

Reading your tale of this abuse only makes me shake my head and think of the people who try to cure homosexuality or try to cure people from having a 'fetish' that draws them.

One simple question comes to mind - Why is it that so many people feel the need to impose their definition of normality upon others. Of every transexual and transgendered person I know they felt they should have been the gender of their choice from a very young age, be it male in a female body or female in a male body. Of those I've known over the years very very rarely did any of them not feel like they were the other gender trapped in the wrong body from about the age or 4 or 5.

I can only hope that someday and some way these vile people who would abuse people for not conforming to the mold are stopped from hurting and damaging anyone else.

One more thing I forgot to mention that your post reminded me of.

Prior to my own transition, I was a regular blood donor. Now, the blood banks REFUSE to take my blood. Just because I'm transsexual. They appaerntly ASSUME that, because I am transsexual, I MUST be engaging in risky sexual behavior. The fact is, I'm as asexual now as I was then. I'm engaged in NO SEXUAL BEHAVIOR WHATSOEVER. But people continue to make their assumptions, and abuse me as a result.

I'm guilty till proven innocent of engaging in risky sexual behavior. i'd love to be able to donate blood again, and help my fellow human beings, but, apparently, my blood carries some sort of "cooties" now and the blood banks don't want it.

Think about that the next time there is a blood shortage, and perhaps someone you love dies for lack of transfusable blood...and know there was a willing donor out there, who was perfectly safe...yet the blood banks turned her away. Remember that.

of the pains of the transgendered. Take care.

You've set out very clearly what your challenging situation has been, both interior and exterior. You've helped me understand trans issues better than I did before.

I'm sorry there is so much ignorance and meanness out there. You have had a lot to stand up to and you have been a champion. :hug:

:hug:
Some of us here accept you.

Being transgendered shouldn't be any big deal in a sane society. I have hope that slowly we're moving that way.

Some --well, many-- start out in the 'profession' because they genuinely want to help hurting people heal their pain. But it's sort of like being a 'physician' back in the era when there was NO science to guide you. Without microbiology, biochemistry, hell, without even basic ANATOMY, what did they have to go on? And then they were 'trained' by an establishment that solemnly decreed making people drink potions compounded with goat excrement and cat hair would 'cure' diseases, and 'balance the humours' if the potions were compounded under the correct phase of the moon.

And they for sure as hell couldn't sort out the difference between illness caused by internal disease mechanisms from illness caused by exposure to toxic environments, etc. We're just barely starting to understand those complex interactions now. Just BARELY.

We're not far past the 'compound-the-potion-in-the-right-moonphase' stage with mental health because there is so little we understand about the nature, causes, and progression of mental illness. Hell, we haven't even come to terms with the fact that "normal" is a social concept rather than a physical condition.

The best mental health practitioners are the ones who rely on science where it DOES exist (far too little of that,) and the basics of human kindness leavened by experience and observation where it doesn't. Unfortunately a large infrastructure of PROFIT is supported in training, licensing, and equipping "professionals," and that structure is heavily invested in their imagined "remedies," their therapeutic "disciplines," etc. And even well-meaning people who started out genuinely wanting to help fellow-humans in pain get sucked into this alternate reality and believe they know best and can "help" by applying them. Training turns them into hammers, so every problem looks like a nail.

But there are healers out there who don't drink that koolaid.

Sounds to me, UP, as though right now you're your own best healer. The demands of survival have opened up internal resources of strength and insight that are your most powerful tools. But you do still have the sorrow and trauma inside, too-- that doesn't go away. Some day you may decide it's worth it to examine and come to terms with and organize those experiences in a way that will keep the pain from interfering with the happiness I hope is in your future. When that time comes, a 'real' healer might help and I hope you find one of the un-koolaided ones.

Thank you for sharing your story and your pain that others might gain insight. That is a great gift.

respectfully,
Bright

He also wrote House of God, a fictionalized account of his intern year. Mount Misery is about his psych residency. Scary. Downright scary. This story would've fit right in, as evil as what they did to him is.

I hope that sharing your story will help you to heal from the abuse you endured.

I understand very well how you must have felt, as I too am a man born into female body.

Reading your story, my heart ached, remembering my pain, feeling your pain. I especially understood and felt this part you wrote:

---
I was told how to sit,to not sprawl out,to walk a way that felt weird. One day I walked out on the unit in a skirt feeling so awkward, I went back to my room cut my arms and and put on my jeans.And That got me in worse trouble.
I could not stand the greasy feeling of foundation, I hated the hair I wanted my hawk back.I felt like a clown dressed up "pretty".
---

I am one of those who didn't need the establishment to humiliate and abuse me, rather, I created my own humiliation and abused myself for my first 25 years of life. I found myself dressing in pink and green dresses -- in drag -- for my siblings wedding parties and other occasions, stumbling in high-heels with everyone telling me how pretty I was, I should dress feminine more often! Except they didn't really mean it, I could tell by their expressions. Even objectively, you can clearly see in pictures how ugly I looked in drag.

It was my sister's wedding in 1996 that was the last straw for me. I was a bride's maid, feeling as much humiliation as any real man would feel sitting at the wedding table in a dress, in drag. As I gulped drink after drink to help me tolerate the pain and humiliation, I vowed I would never, ever humiliate myself that way again. I went home and purged my closet of all dresses.

It has been a long road to healing, beginning with accepting my heterosexual attraction to women, 3 years later getting rid of all dresses (in 1996, after my sister's wedding), then all feminine clothes, more recently wearing only men's underwear and a binding sports bra, and a few weeks ago I shaved off my long dreadlocks.

Maybe one day I will be rid of my uterus and breasts, but even now I have peace, knowing that I never have to punish myself again simply for being who I am. I can look in the mirror without sadness.

I am thankful to you for writing your story.

All the best to you.

Danni

:hug: Thank you for sharing your story. This week, while the republican intent was to be divisive on the gay marriage ban, has been so incredibly moving and inspiring and educational for many of us at DU. I love my GLBT brothers and sisters. I thank you all for being patient with those of us who are trying to have a better understanding. :hug:

nt

and :hug:

For me, your story raised a question I think it's important for us all to consider - who among us will we continue to turn our backs on? Why must we turn our backs at all?

I hope the healing you need comes to you in abundance. I hope that the cash you need comes your way too.

You just told my story in reverse! You are a transMAN. I'm a transWOMAN, as you well know. I felt everything you felt, though, of course, my experience was somewhat different than yours.

What you describe going thru at that mantal institution is called "directive therapy." It can be quite destructive when used on a transperson. There are cases where directive therapy can be beneficial, but transgender is not an area where directive therapy would be indicated.

You know, though, it never really occurred to me, with transmen who are post-op...how painful that once-a-month reminder must be for you! Today, you taught ME something!

I think I should write up my own story for my Journal as well. Even if it doesn't make the front page, and even if no one else reads it, it would help get a lot of feelings I have buried for a long time, out.

Of course, I have set up my Journal exclusively as a transgender blog, and I would like, with your permission, to place a link to your story in my blog/journal. It might be very interesting for others to see, given that the general public isn't as aware that transMEN exist, as they are about transWOMEN.

When I read your story, I'm forcefully reminded of a Star Trek episode I saw as a little kid...the one in which Dr. Janet Lester took over the body of Captain Kirk...and Kirk was forced into Janice's body. And I thought, "My God, if only that could happen in real life!!" I so wish that they could just swap out our brains...and then each of us would have a fully-functioning, non-sterile body that feels correct to us.

Then again, Star Trek has always been on the cutting edge of societal evolution...I remember The Next Generation episode called "The Outcast" - (Season 5 Episode 17) in which they encounter a race of beings called the J'naii, who have no gender. Although some of the J'naii hark back to their earlier times, and DO feel a gender (the J'naii once had two genders and, in their words, had evbolved beyond gender.) Those J'naii who felt a gender were outcasts, ridiculed, teased, forced into corrective therapy...in this episode, Soren (the J'naii who has gender-feeling, in this case, female) is discovered, and brought before a tribunal. and at her tribunal, she says..."What have we (referring to gender-feeling J'naii) ever done to hurt you?

And I still remember the movie, Star Trek - Insurrection (the ninth movie, gang) where Data started out greeting "Ladies, Gentlemen, and invited transgender species..." and later in that same movie Riker says, "It is easy to turn a blind eye to the sufferings of a people you don't know." Hell, when Riker said that, I had all I could do to keep myself from standing right up in that theatre and shouting out, "Did all of you HEAR that!!??"

Well, anyway, this is longer than I intended, but, I thank you for sharing your story...and you have inspired me to share mine, which I shall do sometime over the next few days. I hope that you have been able to find peace in your life. I am now nearly 4 years post-operative, and, while I have found peace in my body...I do not have peace, because of the way I am treated by society for being who I am, being true to my own self.

And I find it interesting, yet not surprising, how many transgender people, like you and me...are asexual. We were so long revolted by our own bodies, that the idea of sex, in any form, is utterly revolting. I know it is for me! Anyways, I hope you have found peace...and a circle of family and friends who support you...the REAL you!

I know from experience that one of the bitterest lessons we transpeople learn is that blood is not always thicker than water...many of us have families willing to throw us out like yesterday's newspaper, to turn their backs on us in disgust, and to write us off as unfortunate mistakes. I am fortunate in that my mother has come to a level of acceptance for me. Many of us have to build new families, not blood relations...but family, nonetheless. families of shared suffering...familes of blood in a way our own blood relatives never can be. I'd be honored to consider you a part of MY family.

Wow, undergroundpanther you are a brave person with a very strong will and tons of courage. I can remember being around 11 or 12 and reading about a transgender boy who wanted to be a girl. This was in a LIFE or LOOK magazine back in the mid 1960s and even though it was shocking somehow I was not surprised that not everyone is born being totally male or female. I can never imagine what it's like to feel like a prisoner in your own body made worse by the type of people you described. I'm so sorry you've had to endure all the years of suffering and I will send up a prayer that you will get the operation you need. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless.

peace and low stress

This is really quite a vivid and HUMAN account. Makes it more understandable to those of us who aren't faced with this challenge. Now I understand. I admire your bravery for charting your own course, and wish you brighter years ahead, with much happiness. This would make a great LTTE.

:hi:

But I accept you for who you are.

:hug:

I am so heartbroken for the traumas that you have had to experience in your life. NO one deserves to live in a personal hell. Know that there are people in this world who love and care for the real you. :hug: I hope that one day we can evolve beyond the toxins of societal gender roles and allow all people to burst forth and shine with the beauty of who they really are. :hug:

Mom has the kids today, so the house is all mine.

I am so pissed anyone ever did anything like that to anyone, let alone you. You had to sit through someone discussing a rape dream about you?! You were forced to act differently than you really are, like who you really are is wrong somehow?! You were abused by people who should know better, hurt by so-called healers, and I'm just sitting here pissed. :banghead:

I don't want my kids growing up in a society that is so freakin' narrow. If one of my kids decides he or she is transgendered, that doesn't change that they're my baby. I don't want to see my babies hurt by anyone just because they don't dress "right" or act "right" or whatever. I want them to be strong and loved for who they are by all around them, which apparently is asking for too much.

Why would anyone hurt you? What have you done to make them think that it's okay? Dress differently? SO WHAT?! Sit differently and refuse to wear makeup? SO WHAT?! Heck, I don't wear makeup anymore (sensitive skin and never liked wasting time on it), so does that make me bad somehow? There is no reason to treat you as less than human--if anything, those monsters should have treated you as the wonderful, special person you are and helped you along your path to figuring out who you want to be when you grow up.

Now I just want to give you a hug, so I'll have to settle for a smiley thingy. That's the mom in me, though, so please accept the hug as a sign that you are loved no matter who you really are and celebrated for just being true to yourself.

:hug:

I got through all these replies tears are welling up.
I givev hugs and purrs to each and everyone of you all.

THANK YOU ALL.

You are such a strong person to have survived and to have kept your sense of self despite all that. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You're touching hearts - and perhaps changing minds.

I'm sorry to hear about the hell you had to go through.

It's NOT RIGHT and it's NOT FAIR! Who you are should not be decided by the people around you, it should come from within. Once more people in this so-called "free" society come to that conclusion, it will be a better day for all of us.

A lot of people in society refuse to except the differences amongst the people who populate their cities, and towns. What they fail to realize is that it's not about the differences, it's about having compassion for your fellow man, woman, and intersexed person. It's about trying to see life from their perspective and accepting them for who they fundamentally are even if we have no basis for comparison to what they've had to go through.

Rest assure that we all love you and accept you for who you are. We will work with you to make sure that those who come after us won't have to go through the same pain that some of the citizens of this country today have had to go through.

To preface this I don't actually know anyone who is transgender (if I do then I don't know they are)so I am grossly ignorant of the whole topic but what you have described in your OP is the most horrifyingly demeaning abusive bunch of bullshit that I think I have ever heard of (aside from the crimes of the bushit admin)

I mean what in the hell do they think they are accomplishing trying to scare and torment people in your situation or in any other?

I am sorry but I think the whole psychiatry thing is a load of crap and reading something like this just enforces my belief.


ON EDIT- WHOOPS! I meant to reply to the ORIGINAL post! I didn't mean that the post this is under is bullshit! I don't know how I did that--sorry!

Especially people with personality disorders. If you suspect that your therapist or psychiatrist has more screws lose than you do, you may be correct. So go get a second opinion. Or a third opinion.

There is a reason the Scientologists are able to get converts.

The therapist In my original post,who tried to un transgender me was a "sex therapist" from England..I'll never forget one day when I was leaving her office and I was depressed as hell,(before all this issue with gender came up) She told me to"keep my pecker up"..I said Whaaat?? Laughing.. She repeated it,and I asked her do you know what you are saying??? I told her she was telling me to keep my penis up. She laughed and said that' in England it's your chin.Freud would have had a field day with that.

Doh.Wrong thread.I hate windows

Wrong thread..Aaargh

Sigh..Stupid scrollbars

Duh!

:hug:

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your post. Your personal experience (and thoughts regarding identity/orientation) will help others to empathize with all trans people. Their empathy is what will change the culture, imho.

Thanks for coming out (yet again) in another environment that's not particularly knowledgeable regarding the lives of trans people. Your true self is an inspiration! With affection -- :hug: :hi:

Write a book and use the money for your surgery! :) there are many people who would identify with and learn from your heartaches and strengths

:hug:

:cry:

to think of the pain you and other transgendered people must have experienced. I can imagine nothing more frustrating and soul crushing than feeling trapped in the wrong body. One thing I can't understand, though is exactly WHY society has a problem with letting people just be who they are born to be. What gender you feel is the gender you are, regardless of what body you have.

Although I am in my sixties now, I remember vividly how traumatic the teen years can be, and I can only speak as one whose heart and body were the same. There are so many other things, though that young people have to come to grips with, trying to cope with the misery of society expecting you to be a woman when you are a man must have been a completely soul wrenching experience.

I'm so sorry for you, UP, and for all of the other members of society who are judged on somebody else's standards, and expected to conform. I hope you will be able to have the surgery soon. One of the things I like about the internet is that all we have to judge other people by are their posts. We do not have to consider gender, looks, age, race or any of the other purely physical aspects of a person we only know online.

When I read your posts, for example, it doesn't occur to me to try to figure out what you look ike, I'm only interested in what you have to say. I wish we could learn, as a society, to see with our hearts and minds, as well as with our eyes. I hope you heal, and am sending you:hug:

help people understand more about why some people are born transgendered.

Simon LeVay's work show that adults who are sexually attracted to men - straight women and gay men - have a similar large-sized brain region in common. Their brains differ from adults who are sexually attracted to women - straight men and lesbian women - who have a different brain region that is similarly large-sized.

The feeling of 'being a female' or 'being a male' does not come from one's genitals it comes from a region of the brain -- and genetics has a huge, huge impact on this. So, women who feel like women and men who feel like women must share a similar brain region that causes them to feel feminine. And men who feel like men and women who feel like men must share a similar brain region that causes them to feel masculine.

My hope is that people will come to understand that 'feminine' or 'masculine' is a result of how one's individual brain is wired -- it just is what it is. You didn't 'cause it' or whatever. Many people who feel masculine have masculine genitals, but some have female genitalia.

It is rare and so, for many, very hard to understand.

I hope that understanding more about the science - someday soon - will help.

:hug:

Your story is something else, UndergroundPanther. Please tell me that I chose to move to the USA, one of the so-called leading lights of freedom and liberty in the world. That this is the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Well, U.P., you have proven one out of two. You certainly prove that this is the home of the brave. It's just the free part we have to seriously work on here.

Words can not adequately express what I feel after reading your story but some words that I do feel are rage, anger and upset at the people who put you through 'gender reassignment training', shame that this is probably still going on even today... and I admire your strength for putting up and coping with this "crap".

It is times like this when I wish I could "donate" British citizenship. There are so many people over here in the USA that need healthcare and procedures... and because of the lousy healthcare payment system. (The care that is provided is first rate, it's just the payment for it.) Heck, if the UK National Health Service can recognize that transgender is a medical disorder and would prefer to pay the $$$'s for the operation than pay out much more $$$'s on therapy that doesn't work - then why aren't managed care schemes in the USA covering this because the NHS runs itself on a shoestring as it is - and pretty darned well too if I must say so myself (if I don't my sister would probably disown me, she's a nurse in the NHS).

God bless you, U.P...

"Different oriented and identified people who are not by their nature simply male or female or straight will suffer living lies.The closet is not just denying who you are attracted to and hiding it,the closet for trans-people is our own body.Straight sexuality is not all there is,likewise make or female gender is not all there is, it all runs through a spectrum,It is not male or female, straight or gay it's both/and/whatever else ...in different combinations inside each person. A dual rainbow.A dual rainbow has 2 bows the spectrum in a dual rainbow runs both directions..And sometimes one bow is more pronounced than the other one,sometimes they both are bright, it varies..Like the spectrum of sexual/personal identities and orientations do. The twin bows of orientation and gender are vast and unique to each person."

There is a lot to ponder in the above!

Love to you!

As much as it makes me really angry that you were abused in that mental hospital (and sadly, you were probably not the only one who received such horrendous treatment), your story inspires me because you sound like you are on a good path now, with a supportive professional who accepts the reality of your situation, instead of trying to change you to fit society's norms.

This week's failed attempt to amend the constitution to discriminate against GLBT persons remind us how many wackos are out there thinking that they can "fix" people with their abusive "therapies".

I happen to believe that there are good therapists out there just as there are nutjobs who take advantage of their positions to abuse people in pain. It is no different than good politicians and corrupt politicians.

Follow your instincts and learn from your pain, and don't let anyone have that much power over you again. In the meantime, move to a community that has a rousing PRIDE celebration so that you can be surrounded by allies who accept all GLBT persons as people first and foremost.

Peace

Thanks to you and to the others who have shared their experience. Transgendered people are the most discriminated against people in our society now, at least that is what I have been told by the lawyers I work with who have been in the trenches fighting for them.

I have just recently begun to learn about these issues. While I easily understood gay and lesbian and bisexual this is an area I really had trouble understanding. Loved you but could not understand the whys and hows of it all. These stories help.

I just made a new friend, new to our KEC group, who is a MtoF. She is working all the steps to full gender reassignment. I went to dinner with her and she was very open with me. I understood part of it that I never had before when I walked into a restaurant with her. In my whole life I have never felt so scrutinized and I have spent my life on a stage! How difficult this must be for all of you to work through and society just makes it so much more difficult.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for being you. I offer you a big :hug: because there are not words to express my feelings of gratefulness to you for sharing or outrage at what you have been made to suffer. You have come out strong and a terrific advocate, that is something that is hard won.

It breaks my heart that you are having such a difficult time. A compassionate person such as yourself should be able to enjoy life the way it was intended.

I wish I had a spare $6800. I really do. (I might in the future, but right now, my husband is in CICU after having a quadruple bypass and I have to pay for his dad's funeral)

Peace to you. And light and shining healing.

And thanks for your kind words.

Do you think, had you not gone through the unyielding trauma of the system, and had been embraced by others with your masculine gender association, that you would feel that breasts were apendages and a uterus was monsterous? I suppose with the technologies out there today, there are ways to correct your image to reflect the inner you, but being a woman does not mean dresses and makeup. I'm sorry you went through horrific endurances in order to "help" you. I truely am. I wonder would you hate you so much if you got to wear your blue hair and blue jeans? Have you lost your uniqueness by conforming to societies ideas of gender association with masculinity and femininty? You are very open to writing your story. I hope you don't feel I am attacking because I am far from it. But I am attacking society as a whole. A society that would make you feel you have to make a choice. I belive the Greeks may have called in Amazonion... powerful woman able to achieve greatness of man. Anyway good luck with your struggles....never conform....conformity makes for more fear and hatred.

<Do you think, had you not gone through the unyielding trauma of the system, and had been embraced by others with your masculine gender association, that you would feel that breasts were apendages and a uterus was monsterous?>

Before the hospitals and all when I was a little kid before I developed ,I was ok with my body. It was 'neutral' to me,as in no conflict because I had no bleeding no boobs. I was just very much not a girl and I was unaware of how ungirly I was until I got old enough for pressure to be put on me to "be a girl". It was pressure to act a certain way,like certain things,accept certain things about my body, to wear cetain things I thought were stupid or just,to sit or talk a certain way that went totally against my natural responses so I always was getting"corrected" I got kicked out of charm school I hated girl scouts because I wanted to do stuff like build things and camp and make traps and canoe,and I hated the uniform,I'd wear the sash over a green T shirt and brown coudoroy pants that was not acceptable.One day I wore the girlscout dress with my pants under it that got me laughed at.. in the 70's girl scouts didn't do the stuff I liked and I didn't fit in there anyways the girls didn't treat me well so I quit.

I had no clue what being a girl was when I was younger,as I got older all I knew is I didn't like what other girls liked I just didn't relate to them.I really didn't understand it at all. Until I developed.Than it was like my body was mutating into something I I did not want to be. It was horrifying to me it felt like betraysal. I kept secretly hoping I'd never get boobs,never bleed. When I was in 6th grade in class they discribed sorta the basics I was horrified at what I was"growing" into,it was like my body was becoming alien and totally uncomfortable..As I developed more it got worse..By time I was 13/14 I was very depressed and nobody understood,nobody believed me,..It was really pathetic they ciould not take me at my word. At my first GYN appoiuntmenmt I asked to have my uterus out she said no. I was crushed, I asked everytime I saw a gyn until I was like 19.I asked for breast removal the same answers.




<I suppose with the technologies out there today, there are ways to correct your image to reflect the inner you, but being a woman does not mean dresses and makeup.>

I know that. "a woman" is in how you are expected to behave,how your body works and it is very hard for me to explain it in words. All I know is a deep sense of wrongness is inside me.A profound alienation and discomfort a painful awareness of some "mistake".If you were to see me in person out in public you would see the confusedness in other people when they reklate to me and the mismatch in me.I get called sir and maam and people who say it go back and change it back again, To ease their awkwardness I tell them don't worry about it and distract the conversation. Or I avoid it all and say call me Panther.This happens everywhere,checkout lines,restaurants, it's endless.I just be and I get hostility out of strangers out of nowhere,I get gay guys coming onto me and I have to tell them I don't have a penis and they don't believe me. I get alot of awkwardness and people don't know how to relate to me , that is how deeply gendered our culture is.


<I'm sorry you went through horrific endurances in order to "help" you. I truely am. I wonder would you hate you so much if you got to wear your blue hair and blue jeans?>

Yes, the hair is the equivalent of a little band aid on a huge sucking chest wound.It's because this body is an ill fitting suit that chafes my soul.it is a thing I cannot feel at home in no matter how I try. My body is wrong.Alien to me and hostile.My body is at war in ofitself,homonal conflicts,imbalances, and my mind is in conflict with it all at once too.Regardless of my traumas I am not congruent at all.And it hurts.

<Have you lost your uniqueness by conforming to societies ideas of gender association with masculinity and femininty?>

I am unique regardless..a feline male appearing androgny it's very hard to explain..Society however I learned pretty fast makes no place for me and what I really am. Society treats me like an alien,sometimes with hostility or a fascination that is not anuything but a fetish or a kind of curiousity. It is because society is conditioned to be unrealistic about what a human being is ,what it can be and they are oblivious that "norms" are totally artifical constructs ,yet they;ll defend thenm and dehumanize anyone that does not fitt what they are told to think they want to be like and are told they should be that they obey without questioning why.. Sadly most people are unable too see it for the fakkery it is because for them thier gender is congruent and society can"read" them,also for them gender is invisible like air.For me it is like toxic clouds of cyyanide gas for the mind.

<You are very open to writing your story. I hope you don't feel I am attacking because I am far from it. But I am attacking society as a whole. A society that would make you feel you have to make a choice. I belive the Greeks may have called in Amazonion... powerful woman able to achieve greatness of man.>

Amazon? Not quite because I am not a woman and not quite a typical guy .I am a Panther King. A Different thing alltogether .

<Anyway good luck with your struggles....never conform....conformity makes for more fear and hatred.>

Agree with that totally!

in sharing this here. :hug::grouphug: Thank you for doing so...

I found out several years ago, that a relative I was previously informed had died, had in reality committed suicide-after trying to live as a transgendered person in our society. I can barely express how I feel when I think of all this person must have endured.

I appreciate reading your experiences, so much. I'm very sorry for the way the ignorant have treated you. :hi:

http://www.transe-generation.com/archive.asp?pgid=comic&RefID=263
Cause..it has HAPPENED to me..

I admire your courage for surviving what you endured and for continuing to battle! You are a warrior for the truth, for human dignity, for living who you are and not allowing yourself to be crushed. Thank you. Your battle helps every other person on the planet, in ways many don't even realize. Your battle helps make the world safer for Truth and Self.

What happened to you should not happen to anyone! There should be regulations to prevent this! People should be allowed to be exactly who they are inside, not be forced to conform to someone's idea of who they "should" be. Stay Strong! Hugs to you!

:loveya: :hug:

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I've read many similar stories of "sex reeducation"...and they're pretty horrific.

I'm really happy to see all the positive comments on this thread...it gives me hope that this kind of bigotry will eventually be overcome.

It's sad what society does to people, all in the
name of normalcy. The mutilation of Inter-sexual
children's genitalia. The forcing of left handed
children to write with their right hand. The
ostracizing and abuse of those who are different
from what they consider normal. I dream of a day
when that will change. Realistically, I hold out
no hope for it.

undergroundpanther please contact me, you can
email me at "susan@susans.org", or at the site
below.

very concerned for her physical health if she does SRS, going through operations, taking testosterone and such. But I am trying to be open-minded and see that it might be very important to her mental health to have the operations. The financial aspect is another thing---very expensive for a series of operations like the hysterectomy and breasts removed.

I just don't want her to go through it all. She had a previous surgery after an accident and it was hell for her and her caretaker (me). She was in pain from the operation and whenever she took a prescribed pain killer, it would make her sick to her stomach. She was incapacitated for a long time and these operations are more invasive than the one she previously had.

I would appreciate anyone who can help me through this as when I tell her my concerns about the health and financial aspects, she shuts down and won't communicate. I also think she is quite young to decide this now. And, she used to like boys in high school, had a couple of boy friends and voluntarily wore lipstick. So not that many years ago, she showed her "feminine" side.

I suspect that what will eventually be discovered is that most cases of GID are actually cases of undiagnosed intersex conditions. Some of the genetics that go into the formation of sex are still poorly understood, but it seems like a lot of TG people have tissues that are somehow "primed" for the hormone balance of their self-identified gender. Anecdotally, a lot of autoimmune disorders go into remission at the start of hormones.

Liking boys doesn't make a person a girl. ;-) Most, if not all, transpeople try to play the gender role they're expected to present, so wearing makeup and dresses in high school doesn't necessarily mean anything.

As for the issues surrounding pain and nausea control, a good doctor will know which painkillers are better tolerated, and also may be able to prescribe an anti-nausea medicine. There may be additional community resources to help with caretaking after surgery; your local PFLAG is a good place to ask around for that.

Tucker