A question for you all.......

First a little background....

I grew up in a small town with very conservative parents. My freshman year of High school i was sent to an all-male catholic boarding high school, as my parents were trying to get me to become a priest. I was a young and stupid kid, not necessarily conservative like my parents were, but i definitely held alot of their beliefs which they raised me with.

There was another guy at this school who was one of my best friends. During my sophomore year, he revealed to me that he was gay. While i didn't do anything physical, i said many hurtful things which were probably just as bad as punching him. He was in tears the last time i spoke with him.

At the end of my sophomore year, i managed to convince my parents i would never be a priest, and they took me out of the boarding school and let me go back to public school.

At the end of high school after i moved away from my parents and into college, i began seeing things through a whole new light. I became an enlightened, tolerant person. Politically i'm 180degrees away from what i was then, and consider myself to be as liberal as most of the others here on DU.

A few weeks ago i picked up my old high school yearbooks and was paging through them. I saw my old friends photo, and am absolutely horrified at the way i treated him, as all of the old memories came back. I make no excuses. I was dumb, hateful, stupid, and said things to him that nobody should ever have to hear, and i am truly sorry for it. I had completely forgotten about it until i saw my old yearbook.

I looked up his name online, and i think that i may have found his address which is now out in California, although, i haven't been able to find a phone number yet. I do get to go out to the general area for work however a couple of times every year, and could stay for an extra weekend after my next week out there.

My question to you all is what should i do 12 years later?
should i stop by my next time out there, and if it is really his address, apologize to him?
should i send a letter, even though i'm not positive if it's to the correct person, and leave a phone number in case he wants to call me back?
or would re-opening old wounds be a bad idea altogether, and leave it being better with him thinking i was just another ignorant conservative asshole? (which at the time i was)

Thanks a bunch for your help, and i hope that you all don't think less of me for past mistakes....

You owe him an apology and will feel better yourself if you at least try.

so I would say send it if you know the person is him. If you can't be certain, the next best thing is to be kind to others in his position, remembering when you weren't. I still remember the one friend in college that I lost over my not having been honest with him so it is likely he remembers you. I hope you find him it would be good for both of you and the fact you care speaks volumes.

which is why i was thinking the best course of action would be to visit in person the next time i was out there. (Then again, if a total stranger gets a letter, and they have no idea what i'm talking about, i guess it's really not totally bad either..They'll just be scratching their head a bit)

it IS this person first. You could have a pre written letter handy just in case and hand it to that person IF it's him. Then take it from there.

If it's not the person you're looking for, you can excuse yourself saying you have the wrong address or whatever.

Best, :)

It might do his heart a world of good to hear how you feel now. It will certainly be good for you to look into your heart and try to apologize.
Make the effort.

none of the white pages listings (at least that i found by doing a yahoo search)have it. i found what i believe to be the correct address on www.intelius.com though. (there was only one name listing with an approximate age the same as mine (although there were a few with blank approximate ages)).
any extra help with websites for helping to find people would be appreciated. i already tried the reunion websites, and i've never really tried tracking anyone down before.. :)

Your feelings aren't likely to change and neither are his. So I'd continue your search until you have a definite mailing or e-mail address. Then I'd write to him. If you phone or just show up, it'd put him on the spot. If you write, it'd give him time to digest it and decide how to respond. Besides, you can take your time in writing and better express your thoughts and feelings.

I registered with classmates.com a couple of years ago for the sole reason of finding an old girlfriend because I screwed up the relationship by drinking and just generally being a jerk. I found her and e-mailed her, and it was very cathartic. We now exchange e-mail several times a week and she considers me her friend. (Although... she's now a Pub, and just moments ago e-mailed me a bunch of asshat T-shirt slogans. One actually had a photo of Coulter with that horrendous, psychopathic "kill their leaders, convert them to Christianity" quote.)

It's a great thing you're doing, eek. I salute you.

don't expect him to warm up to you real quick like for it. I know I have a hard time forgiving the ones who fucked my world up when I was in high school. Of course, none of them ever did apologize to me for it. Maybe it's wouldn't be a bad idea. You may make some small festering wound you didn't even know about heal over. :)

Most schools have an alumni lists (especially private ones). They probably would give you his address outright. If not they might forward your letter to him.

The school had an alumni website, where i was able to fill out a request form for information. I'm not sure if they'll give it to me since i never graduated from there, but i left them a request.
Thanks a bunch.... :)

I haven't seen my senior year of high school for a long time, but in the intervening years, I have been contacted by former classmates who said to me things like, "I always wanted to tell you how much you helped me see things right, and I appreciated it! Thanks for being a friend when I needed one." It's very heartwarming, because you never forget your past.

I imagine your friend has gotten over the pain, and probably understands why you were so homophobic. Guys at that age are not the nicest towards gays. I don't think he would reject an attempt to contact him, if you started off something like, "I know I was a jerk, and I'm sorry for that." I think it actually could potentially be very healing for both of you. I was going through something similar recently, and forgiving the other person was VERY healthy for both of us.

I say go for it. :hi:

I suggest you make sure it is actually him first, but I think you should apologize, it's a nice gesture that will make you feel good about yourself, and probably make him feel good too.

As others here have posted, I would open, however, by verifying that you found the right person. Introduce yourself, and then say something like, "If you're the fellow I'm looking for, I was hoping you'd give me a chance to apologize for something I've regretted doing, for the last 12 years."

Be non-specific, but if he is the one and is open to you continuing, then you can be far more elaborate about it.

This approach would work via phone or letter. Me, I'd probably call. That way you can find out faster if it's really him.

...it doesn't matter if 50 years has passed. When you are ready to make an apology to someone, you had better do it.

I would look at making that apology in person. The hateful things you said were said in person, so it does make you a bigger person to make the apology in person as well.

Plus it would have more impact with your friend to see the great lengths you have gone to so you could make that apology.

Good luck!