I dunno how to say this.

I just gotta get this off my chest. just need someone out there to listen and maybe help explain this to me.

Some background....
My ex was a gay guy. His parents were fine with gay issues,his sister is a lesbian with a kid and long term partner,so parents were not the issue here.

Before he met me he was interested in some girl but refused to date her because he thought he was gay.Than he met me,said he was Bi.

He wastes ten years of my life pretending he's bi.Leading me on that he cares and all.He even marries the most butch masculine female(at that time) that is humanly possible without surgery.(it was before my transition.)Why?

So I ask you,is it possible that he was so callous ignorant and self absorbed he had no clue how bad he was hurting me by making passes at my straight friends until all I had for support was him,did he ever consider his emotional coldness was abusive,or was he in such fucking denial TO HIMSELF ,telling himself that being gay was a choice,that to prove it to HIMSELF,I had to be hurt, lose my mom(she moved because she thought we were staying together) lose my own place in a good location, lose my insurance, I lost alot of my things some of the most precious things as he got involved and obsessed about religion. I did stuff with him I normally would find distasteful,at his suggestion to try to work on the relationship,yet all I put in very little was returned yet he's say he loved me all the time,but acting like he did was not there.I was totally confused
by his mixed messages and coldness,and such.It wasn't like that in the beginning,he was a totally different person the first years we were together.

So does anyone think it was wrong I had to go through all that just so he could prove to himself being gay is not a choice? Go through it AFTER he had admitted to himself he was gay before,AFTER he had been out of the closet before,AFTER he had gay relationships before he met me..? WTF?

I got wounded, he found an orientation he always had and had admitted to himself he had even come out before too.So what kind of shit was this twisted asshole pulling here? I think he was an abusive narcissistic asshole.And he hurt me.

Right now I am really depressed,I feel like no one understands just how painful all this is after it's all done I still hurt..I am just beginning to feel what I have pushed down inside for years to cope.And I am pissed, I feel cheated,betrayed, you name it. I feel like I will because of where I live and the inability to go anywhere these circumstances that never would have occurred had he been HONEST WITH HIMSELF .

Does he hate women? does he hate trans-men? WTF? He was always so considerate to his mom and family but when I needed help he was not there but he took help from me and my mom.He is such a mommy's boy it was gross.Still,why did it take him TEN years of tearing my heart out and spitting on it,just to be honest with HIMSELF? Why didn't he tell me I would have dropped him and moved on.He strung me along. He wasn't a stupid guy. I don't get it.And why did I have to lose so much in the process? Do gay men like him,who try to lie to themselves ever stop to think that their own denial harms others they get involved with? Or is the person betrayed just supposed to handle it and be OK after losing so much in a sham relationship?
Is it possible an abusive asshole could use being gay as an excuse to be abusive to women/butch/trans-guys he thinks are not as worthy as males in his twisted little mind? I don't know.

In this town GBLT people are closeted for the most part there is no place to socialize, not any place I could get to out here on the shitty half assed "bus" system they have out here that shuts down at 5 pm. I have nowhere to go,no one to help me take the edge off this stabbing regret ,anger and sadness.I am alone like I have been for most my life and I can't stand the emotional isolation much longer.
I think that I will die alone.
I hate my life now in this stupid town,I really do. I hate him too.I wish I had never met him. But I can't undo that. Now I am stuck.

Anyone who is defensive,just realize I am talking about MY experiences ok?

Until the healing is over.
I am so sorry for your pain, your loneliness, and your isolation.
I have felt used and abused and alone for much of my life, so I know words will mean very little right now.

You may become lucky like me and meet someone that is capable of returning the love you long to share. If/when you meet this person it will be as a rebirth. True love does not play games and it does not use or abuse it's power, that is how you will recognize it.

Until then distractions may help, but do not believe that things will never change. Life is change.
It is also cyclic and better times will return - so don't give up.

I will die alone, (within a year or two-terminal) but I did after a time of deep despair find such love and renewal as I hope for you, so I know it is possible.

In the end I will die happy for having known such joy, even if my love has already died and taken that joy with her (cancer). We had 15 good years together.

Take heart dear soul things will improve.

Words are inadequate right now I know, but listen to the words from your own sig line.

"The truth shall set you free. But first it will make you miserable."~"Thou shall not be a victim, thou shall not be a perpetrator, and above all, thou shall not be a bystander"

Different types of relationships.

Try and be a little thankful for what you do have now. You cannot bring back the ten lost years, but you are free now - and some people devote their entire lives to a crummy person.

So you do have the rest of your life to be yourself, learn to heal and start to enjoy life again.

discover their sexuality in healthy ways. He did the best he could, I'm sure.
Our inner demons often hurt others in ways we would never intend to.

Is this the one you released with the spell awhile back? Did you forget you have done the release spell?

But for me I process everything on delay.PSTD can do that.Like I said in my OP I repressed the emotions to cope with the loss and radical changes in my life on a practical basis this caused..
Spells I found don't do all that much for issues like what I deal with. I can't help it.I push it down to cope,than I can explain it easy in a detached way,than years after it's over the emotions hit me.This is near the anniversary when I kicked him out. Maybe that triggered this I dunno. Magic can't fix damage done. If it could no one would be in pain from things that wound them that asshole people do to them.BTW I hate the "course in miracles" type of thinking it is toxic to me.I hate it.It's a bunch of lies..

What were you getting out of the relationship - good sex? Did he make you laugh? If you look closely at dysfunctional relationships, both parties are always getting something out of it. I've been there, believe me. In my case, the sex was so satisfying that I stayed with him despite the nasty fighting we'd engage in. Not involved with him anymore, but I do miss the sex, lol.

The reason I think was intellectually he could keep up with me.
In my life I haven't met many people who can do that.

to say what he was doing. I don't know him and he's not here, however you are. And as a fellow human being I am sorry you are in so much pain.

It sounds like you are feeling lot's of anger, lonely and isolated. The town sounds like there are few options for meeting people or support and I am guessing you feel pretty trapped right now.

One suggestion is think about finding some online support groups that deal with relationship loss issues.

You know, there are mean, selfish, destructive people in all walks of life and with all sexual orientations, hopefully, you will find the right person and the person you deserve, who treats you well and loves you. We all deserve no less.

peace-

I know all too well. I was one of those in denial.

I was with my ex over 20 years...19 of them married. We had a daughter. But eventually it all caught up with me and I brokedown...finally accepting to myself who I was. It was very difficult. We lost our love but eventually remained friends, I became sullen and withdrawn over our years, battled depression and self abuse.

She fianally made me own up to myself.

She was very angry at me. For a long time. Despite that we now are able to laugh together and share meals and time with our college age daughter as a family.

there are so many reasons why people like your ex and I buried ourselves on layers upon layers of denial. Part from culture and upbringing part our own homophobia and fear of persecution and HIV...(real fear for a 21 year old questioning male in the early 80's)

Like so many I buried myself in a layers of my own creation. Until I was not there.

The tragedy is that my ex fell in love with that person. And when I could no longer maintain the facade...I was a broken shell, empty and lost. I was distant and disengaged I abused alcohol and immersed myself in work and other distractions until it all fell apart.

I feel so horrible about my life but at the same time many good things came of it. I had many good times but through out I was never really was there. I regret so many things. In particular emotionally hurting my wife.

We all heal. Some very slowly. People like me and your former partner are really messed up emotionally. Some more than others. Some never accept themselves. Some do. I think I have made a long slow recovery but disappointment keeps knocking at the door over and over again.

I hope your anger helps you to heal. I hope your ex finds some happiness and contentment in himself. Only he can find that...and I am so sorry to hear your story...it opens so many old wounds...

Our lives are stained...hopefully our stories can be told as examples to all those afraid to be genuine to themselves...to tell them it is okay to be who you are. It is okay to feel as you do. Don't deny yourself happiness...it will only cause misery in the end and hurt those who you care most about.

Please reach out to other people - you need to talk and hear words from real people.

I agree. I mentioned the inter net only because of the notion that the OP was in some isolated situation, but I could be wrong. So, I need to clarify, help from a real person, face to face is the optimal.

Everyone is superficial. They are unable to relate deeply to anyone,it's not just me. I don't know why they are like that. I try to engage them,in good times and less so in bad. But I am exhausted,and I do not "hope" for hope only brings more pain.So, fuck hope.

it sounds like you are feeling awfully alone. I found a really good yahoo group for some elder care issues I know there are good lists out there and people in the same situation are often very supportive and that eases the isolation.

peace-
bd12

Is ok but it cannot replace a person being there and sharing with them . And what happens when you go off line?
There you are back right where you started.



Insofar as social networks are bound together by common activities and opinions one's ticket to membership is belief in those opinions and perhaps, participation in those activities. The fear of loneliness imposes conformity. On the other hand if, for whatever reason, one has developed one's own opinions, if one has become an 'outsider', one may come to value the independence that being on one's own brings, even as the emotional pain of loneliness, is sometimes overwhelming. By definition, pioneers in any field, those who are ahead of their time, have no one, or very few, with whom they can communicate across the range of their ideas - otherwise they would not be pioneers. Thoreau expressed the view of the outsider when he wrote: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, Maybe it is because he hears the sound of a different drummer, Let him keep pace with the beat he hears, However measured or far away".

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=392


And I feel so far away, even when I am on DU,it hurts like being shot with a thousand arrows..

I'm sorry for your pain.

What you gave up and lost is unfortunate, but dwelling on it and fuming over it won't bring it back or make things better. The simple truth is that human relationships don't come with lifetime warranties. People change.

You provided your mate of ten years with a certain emotional security that he no longer needs from you. His being gay or bi and you being trans are irrelevant particulars. It doesn't matter if he hates women or transmen or himself. It doesn't matter that he's a confused and narcissistic momma's boy. You two could as easily have been traditional hetero mainstream Ozzie & Harriet types and still have found yourself where you are today. No one's immune to a fickle heart.

I hope you soon find your inner peace.

<What you gave up and lost is unfortunate, but dwelling on it and fuming over it won't bring it back or make things better. >

I guess you missed the part in my OP about how I push emotions down to cope,and so they come back years later PSTD can do that to you.
It isn't about"dwelling and fuming" mr.cognitive behavioral therapist wannabe, it's about how my mind processes things,it does it differently because of PSTD .PSTD is a psychiatric injury.
And yes FUMING does help ME. Might not work for you but that's not my problem.

<The simple truth is that human relationships don't come with lifetime warranties. People change.>

Yeah,so? I know that.That obviousness is not relevant here at all because it's well,duh'oh.

<You provided your mate of ten years with a certain emotional security that he no longer needs from you.>

Than tell me why ,he called me up to help him with his "issues",and I told him several times I could no longer help him?
Why did he drag his ass to change his address for?
Why did he,upon getting arrested for being drunk, did he call MY mother,in virginia,at 3 am, instead of calling his own mom? He bugged me for a YEAR to 'help him' with his 'issues' of his after I made him go away.But I kept saying I could no longer help him.
What you don't get is *I* kicked him out of MY house.He was abusing prescription drugs,and being a real asshole, so I said enough is enough.I had to tell him NO,No more help from me for his issues and tell him to seek help elsewhere.
I was the one that no longer needed him.And I still don't,but because my brain processes differently.. things that happened two years ago emotionally surface later and are as bad as if it was occurring now.

<His being gay or bi and you being trans are irrelevant particulars.>

Well I don't think it was irrelevant.I bet you'd like to think that, but it was VERY relevant.

<It doesn't matter if he hates women or transmen or himself. It doesn't matter that he's a confused and narcissistic momma's boy. You two could as easily have been traditional hetero mainstream Ozzie & Harriet types and still have found yourself where you are today. No one's immune to a fickle heart.>

Fickle heart? WTF? I don't know whether you are being an asshole or suffering from a "fickle heart" of your own here.
ALL those things I listed are relevant.I dunno what planet you are on but it caused me PAIN.

<I hope you soon find your inner peace.>

I haven't known inner peace.I have no clue WTF fuck inner peace is supposed to be,same thing with happiness,they are loaded like a hallmark card, but actually very empty, meaningless words. My life has been one shit pile after another, life is fucking sick .The only peace I will get I think, is via death.It's how this fucked up world is and just because I am here does not require me to like it,or to tolerate bad people in my way..He was a BAD person to ME.

he used you, and used you badly. i cannot and will not make excuses for him- he hurt you, and your anger and hurt are completely understandable.

but this is part of a bigger problem- society vilifies the gays. there is nothing lower in many people's opinions. witness the recent stripping away of a previously given right. can you think of another group who was granted a right, only to have it voted away? so understandably many, many gay people don't wish to be gay- they HATE themselves for it, and will do anything to not be what they really are- ANYTHING, including callously using other people in their quest to deny the reality of their true selves.

so if society would embrace gays, and treat us as valued, equal members of our country, then people like your ex wouldn't have to work to deny who they are, and destroy other people's lives as a consequence. your ex probably still would have been an asshole, but at least it would have been to another dude, not you.

i wish you peace.

<he used you, and used you badly. i cannot and will not make excuses for him- he hurt you, and your anger and hurt are completely understandable.>
Thank you.

<but this is part of a bigger problem- society vilifies the gays.>

I have been vilified myself.I am a trans-man.OK know about the vilification thing. I know it well,I got it for being transgender (very,very butch),being a "freak",having PSTD,being openly pagan(christian assholes chased me with knives)and I have been vilified even on DU and in this group for being furry.I have been vilified by the GBLT community because I bring up certain things they are not ready to deal with.Some in the gay community reject us trans people,the gays have their own bigotries they deny too.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F0CE6DC1E3BF932A2575AC0A960958260
pardon me if I am not just brimming with pity for him right now.

Look, I know society at large is chock full of scared,stupid bigoted people.Hets can be vile.So can gays. I also know any gay person taking someones heart and stomps it,lies,than refuses to acknowledge the PAIN they caused by the lying,the betrayal,the coldness,abuse whatever else, then, on top of all that,expecting the hurt person to feel like all that shit they suffered was justified because they are gay,well that lump it mentality that some gays have regarding this stuff could be creating a feedback loop in some people's minds concerning some of that vilifying that'society' does to gays and trans-people.

I dunno how many broken hearts because someone admits they are gay or whatever are out there at any given time but if they are told by the gay community to get over it and their pain is minimized because 'gays get vilified by society ,don't you think that way of discounting them just makes it worse for all involved? People who come OUT of DENIAL need to also come out of denial concerning the damage their dishonesty does to people that cared as well.

He has access to gay friendly places to go without vilification.There is a strong gay community in the city.
I am cut off from that community by transportation issues.His family is very accepting, his sister is a lesbian. His mom was more accepting than MY mom was of my coming out,and out,and out...
I think he has no EXCUSES for what he did.And just because he's gay and gays get shit from society, so do trans-genders, and none of what society does, justifies what he did to me.He came out before he even knew me. When he began to date me he said how unhappy he was in the gay community they rejected him,his body wasn't perfect,he felt like the gays were superficial and backbiting.

But trying to tell himself lies wouldn't matter if it was just HIM involved in it. No I was involved too.I got hurt and I am pissed. And I am every bit a guy,as any other guy is,sans the dick ,because phalloplasty surgery is insane expensive, the dick does not function like a dick really, it looks a little strange,and it is a very risky operation.So I know it isn't in my future any time soon. Think of how that shit he pulled felt to me? It hurt me double time BECAUSE I am transgender.It's like my masculinity was being belittled,negated,made insignificant because I lacked the ability to afford the surgery,and the surgical results are lame,without the plumbing I am not a "real" guy. Do you have a clue how much that hurt me? Do you know how much frustration and pain that stupid physical wall of not having a penis but still being a guy in every other respect has caused me? If I was to list them I would be here all night.