Grrr. Relative: "I need to be a priority in your life sometimes too".

Grrr.

There are times when having a child and a frankly difficult spouse and a job feels just like a hurricane. Okay, so I don't always check my phone messages. If I happened to have had my house hit by a hurricane, would you expect me to be checking phone messages? My mind shows signs of slipping, my doctor wonders if I've had a stroke and wants to run some tests. At least the strep throat is over, for both of us. My car needs to be inspected, my house needs repairs. My quarterly taxes are past due. My rental house had a fire many months ago and sits idle until I find the time to get someone to repair it. The job -- well, it's all on overload at the moment. Still, I am simply grateful, at the moment, because my family is healthy for now, and I succeeded in finding afterschool care for a couple of crisis days this week (after spending 3 hours reading the paperwork), and progress is being made with the mountain of tasks that need to be done everyday to earn my paycheck. Generally speaking, at the moment, for the moment, LIFE IS GREAT. I ain't feeling sorry for myself tonight because I thought today was going to be pure hell, and it more or less turned out to be tolerable. But then I returned a phone call to a dearest-old-friend-or-relative, to chat.

(Yes, OF COURSE I wish to GOD I were on vacation with her. I am craving it. FAR away from budgets, contracts, consultants; far away in a pretty place; away from the daily regimen of work and school and homework and housework and more work. But: ) No, I can't fly off with you right now, either with or without my son. And yes, it has been over a year. You are always welcome at my house..but you don't like "him". To you, my single/solo relative with no children, the answer to this dilemna is simple. It is my obligation to pack up child and suitcase to visit, or else to leave child at home (ironically, with the adult-in-charge that you clearly think so little of). Well, I wish I could. But..the spouse can't handle it, I think. Not well. For hours yes, but not for days. Well, OTHERspouses do... Again the answer is simple: you should just "dump" him. Ah. Yes, those break-ups and custody arrangements are always so much easier, the solution to everything. (After "dumping", I suppose that a replacement dad can be easily purchased on Amazon.com? Son probably won't even notice the difference?)

If we do get together, will we waste time in unasked-for psychoanalysis of the why's of my life? Here's one psychological dimension: I accept, you reject. It's our modus operandi.

Love -- long-term, committed love -- is a choice, a verb. It's not one that I had ever made before, but I've figured out that it's a chess game that can get tedious in the middle but it doesn't mean you want to sweep the pieces away like garbage and start over. I feel as if we've gone from the generations who said "stay married no matter what" to a culture that feels that it's okay to badger people into getting divorced. Don't people know that sometimes it's hard to stay together but sometimes it's worth it? That it's not meant to be black and white? That loving someone means mutually caring about each other's happiness, not just your own?


Most people know that when you have a newborn baby that there are days that you are barely coping. Maybe I'm defective -- probably -- but several years later, there are still days when I am barely coping -- not so much with the child-rearing, but with the child-rearing as everpresent backdrop to be combined with the other stressors of life. Trying to balance the needs of the child, the spouse, and the job, and not give short shrift to the others in our lives, is just a big more than I am capable of. Okay. Where's the product-return line? The undo button? The desktop cleanup wizard? The 'substitute friend in a box' who could pretend to be me, and go on this mini-vacation? Someone to help make sure my child gets through his reading every night? Can they also find out how to reload his lunch card? Attend the open house and meet his teacher? Figure out why he seems to have lost his manners?

It's all good, it's joyful and great -- but it can be a bit too much. Especially after losing the 50 points in IQ that another one of my relatives said happens when you have children. Hey, I NEEDED those 50 points.

One day, my friend, we will be sitting and drinking margaritas on a beach, enjoying a mini-vacation. Assuming we are still talking.

It was excruciatingly painful. Our issues were more parenting differences and competitiveness, not spouse related.

That said, I can see both sides of your dilemma. On one hand, if you have made it clear that you are committed to your marriage and intend to continue it, I don't think a friend should encourage you otherwise unless your husband is abusive. If your friend simply dislikes him, she should be quiet about it and arrange to see you separately.

On the other hand, if you don't take time to nurture friendships, they do tend to wither. I have a friend who is chronically over scheduled, and I eventually decided not to pursue the friendship anymore since clearly she was more of a priority in my life than I was in hers.

Another thing that happens is friends who don't have kids tend to fall by the wayside after you procreate. They don't have the patience for long visits with kids present and want to do things that are not appropriate for families. They also don't understand the levels of stress and chronic tiredness most parents of young children live with. I can't just pick up at the last minute to go on a three day camping trip that includes multi-pitch rock climbing. Not baby friendly, and besides, I am so tired I think my brains might leak out my ear at any moment, you know?

One of my best longterm girlfriends has five, count 'em, five kids. We call each other, leave messages, fail to call each other back, email sporadically, only send birthday presents on a bi-yearly basis, and it doesn't matter. I know she loves me and vice versa. The inconsistent communication is nothing personal.

Don't think you are defective, either. Most parents of young kids are stressed, and especially those who hold down a full time job outside the home, too. :hug:

Our relationship had deteriorated a bit after I got married, but we still saw each other for lunch (we work in the same city), socialized at events put on by a historical recreation group we both belonged to and kept in touch via e-mail. Then my husband and I decided to adopt and I noticed that she got a bit distant. My e-mails didn't get returned consistently, that sort of thing. But I put it down to work schedules and the fact that she was quite active in the historical re-enactment group. A week after we brought our 16 month old daughter home from China, we attended an event put on by the group. My friend was there and I was thrilled because I wanted to introduce her to my little girl. We ran into her in the merchants' area and I did so. I also gave her a small gift I had brought her back from China. She barely glanced at my daughter, thanked me for the gift in such a way as to make me understand that she thought it unimportant and excused herself after roughly 2 minutes. I was hurt. My husband was ticked on my behalf. Since then, some 4 years now, I have seen her perhaps 3 times, always at events of the group. We say hello, ask after each other's health and say good bye. I have kept her on my Christmas card list, although this year we didn't get one in return, so I don't know if I should keep it up. I sometimes see people that she is also friendly with and, out of what my husband terms an excess of politeness, ask after her (she had some health issues a year or so ago and I would be a heartless troll if I weren't concerned about someone who had been a good friend) and of course I ask them to let her know I said hello. I miss her sense of humor and her companionship. Perhaps one day we might be able to pick up where we left off, at least I hope so. Until then, I wish her all the best.

but it's an excellent description of how folks/friends/and sometimes relatives without kids have an incredibly hard time understanding why things are different for the person with a baby, toddler, school-age kid, etc.


I had to have that conversation with several long-standing women friends, and sadly, several of them are no longer my friends.


No, I can't go to a party at 10pm - I'm exhausted from work and chasing a 2 year old.

No, I can't go out because the baby isn't sleeping all night yet, and I barely have time to get a shower.

No, I can't go away for the week-end on short notice since I have clients to see and I have to work out child-care arrangements

No, I can't drive to x today, since my husband is at work and I would have to take my son out of school for the whole day.

No, I can't bail you out of whatever emotional crisis you are in 5 times per day!

etc. etc.

although my son is now much older and I have more time, and sanity, I still feel there are a lot of people who don't "get" the concept of the complications of the modern professional parent - how to balance all these needs and activities and still have time for oneself.

We're not just getting ourselves fed, clothed, bathed, and moving about or going to bed, we're doing it for (or with) a little one, or two, or three.

We're also teaching them everything they'll know, at least until they start learning from someone else. That's a lot of work.

If not now, asap. You can. You know it. Do something to make you all happier.