Open letter to Dogs and Cats

(from a list I'm on)

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Usually come when called 5. Never drive your car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

I love the part about sleeping on the bed )a nightly struggle for bed space at my house) and I love the post to non pet owners who visit!!

this will be passed on far and wide! :hi:

I am with you on that. My mother-in-inlaw is a dog hater. She comes over and sniffs and curls her lip every time a dog approaches. And my dogs are relatively well behaved. They don't jump up, but will occasionally put their head in your lap requesting an ear scratch. When I was younger, I used to fret about it, but now I just ignore her. Like you said, they live here. I am not going to banish them to the backyard or laundry room for the duration anymore.

I also comment regularly on the fact that my dogs are waaaay better behaved than my children. Maybe if I made the kids do down/stays for their dinners like I do the dogs, things would improve. Hmmmmmmm....... :think:

I fell for Harvey Fierstein the night he was on Jay Leno and talked about his homelife - with partner and cats. Harvey had fallen asleep in the queen-sized bed with 3 cats. The bed is full. There is 8" of space along one side of the bed onto which his partner squeezes. Partner can't get to sleep for over a 1/2 hour and so rises, wakes everyone and repositions them: Harvey has to move, cats move, partner gets in bed and falls asleep. Two hours later Harvey awakes - somehow in their sleep everyone has shifted so that the scene is the mirror image of what it had been, now Harvey has 8" of space along one side of the bed. And... the scene repeats wake everyone, reposition, back to sleep. I laughed **a lot** listening to this story - :rofl: :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I was in high school or maybe college when I heard this story - it went a long way to convincing me that homosexual domestic life was a **whole lot like** heterosexual domestic life. Pets rule!

:bounce:

This made me laugh like crazy.