My daughter's birthday is today

and she's not speaking to me or my husband or her younger sister. Sigh.

Is there anyone here who could possibly check her chart? Oct. 15, 1983, 8:54 pm, Plainfield NJ, latitude 40N00, Longitude 74W00

There is so much I don't understand about her in recent years.

I wish I understood why she gets so angry so fast over all kinds of things, both little and big. And why she's shown self-defeating behavior since childhood. Or why, at 26, she won't do what's needed to finish her last 3 college credits for a B.A. in History. She is very bright, but has dropped out of 5 colleges and left us stuck with over $500 a month in student loan payments. She works at low-paying jobs - she's currently a nanny - and refuses to chip in anything toward the loans.

The last time we saw her was several weeks ago when she came over to pick up some of her things from her room. (she lives with a boyfriend in an apartment about 25 miles from us) She yelled at me for being a "selfish egotistical piece of sh*t" for getting a dog, allegedly because I wanted to replace her, my "good daughter," with the dog. Where she gets that idea from, I have no idea.

She also thinks we should throw out her younger sister or force her into rehab -- even though my younger daughter has repeatedly offered to take drug tests and is doing well on new anti-anxiety meds and is working really hard in college. I know the younger one sometimes smokes pot to calm her anxiety, but she says she no longer uses anything else, and pot only once in a while.

I wonder sometimes, whether my birthday girl might have some kind of bipolar or other disorder. She completely flips out over the slightest things.
:(

I wish that I could help with astrology knowledge but I'm sure someone here will try. Sending that you can maintain your equilibrium and maybe honor some good things about your daughter today. :hug:

There are many good things about her. She is very bright, a gifted writer and extraordinarily well-read -- she could be a book critic for the NY Times. She loves children and is wonderful with them. She is very progressive politically. She is outspoken about injustice. She makes many friends and keeps them. She is "real" and honest.

but she might benefit from talk therapy. She sounds like she may have a lot of back logged anger.

If she is happy doing nanny work, is the problem that she won't help pay for her student loans? I had jobs which my mother considered "beneath me", and her attitude was painful to endure. She knows me as some fictional character she projects.

Just about the hardest thing for me to hear, was a presentation by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the youtubes. He is a long time meditation teacher. One benefit of meditation is that we improve our ability to see things as they are without projecting our inner stuff. We can detach from role playing. I didn't want to believe him when he said, we rarely really get to know someone; including our kids. But when my son was here, and we were having a typical conversation, I realized that he was projecting a type onto me. I gave up on the discussion immediately. Not angry. Just awake. I wonder, how do I get to know who he really is? Can I be more authentic to who I am so he might know something about me?

This sort of reminds me of a top secret weeding question when meeting possible dates. (I've been single a long time.) I ask a man if he understands women. The best answer was, "who am I? Houdini?" :D Don't even try and we'll get along fine.

Is her health otherwise good?

but she would freak out if I implied there was something wrong with her that needed therapy. In addition to everything else, she has an eating disorder. I also suspect she has a drinking problem. I have heard that she recently got drunk at a bar in another state and slugged a guy who expressed interest in her. She hit him hard enough that he called the cops to press assault charges, but she and her female friend ran away from the bar and laughed about it later on. She has a horrendous, hair-trigger temper.

Even though she shares an apartment with her boyfriend (who wants to marry her), she clings to her bedroom here at the house, the way she has clung to her "blankie" since childhood. She keeps a lot of stuff here and won't let us touch anything, even though we need the space in our tiny house.

I don't mind if she's a nanny if she's happy doing that, but I wish she would grow up and take some responsibility for the $46,000 in student loans she racked up while dropping out of 5 colleges. She even gave up a full 4-year scholarship at her first school. I've been out of work for a year and am not in the best of health; my husband is earning 12% less at the new job he started in July, and all our savings were used up when he got laid off at Christmas last winter. We are struggling to pay bills - we can't afford to go to the dentist or buy 2 tires for our younger daughter's car. And the older daughter knows this, but refuses to take over even the smallest, $50-a-month loan, because she "feels entitled." (This was her comment when I last asked her).

I think she has a lot of emotional issues, and many of them may simply be due to brain chemistry. My husband and I both take meds for anxiety and depression, and so does her sister. I think she projects a lot of her own internal problems onto her sister, who admittedly is not an angel but seems to be getting on track.

My husband and I don't mind if our kids aren't doctors or lawyers or CEOs - there has never been that kind of pressure on them. We do want them to be happy. But I would also love to see my 26-year-old stop playing Peter Pan, get some help and take some responsibility. I just don't see any sign that it's going to happen.

so you can't just point out to her that they are **her** obligation?

It's a genuine shame if you are truly on the hook for them, since her dropping out and now not working at anything that pays well enough for her to pay back the loans is NOT your fault. She is an adult, and perhaps she is bipolar or has some other disorder. She is still, at age 26, an adult and can be held to adult standards and adult responsibilities.

Do not let her control how you handle the younger daughter. Do not tolerate her screaming at you. Do not let her make you feel guilty about having a dog. In short, no matter how much you continue to love her -- which you will of course do, because she is your daughter -- do not let her run your life or control what you do. She no longer lives at home. She's made her own decisions.

Oh, and if there's any chance you can get out from under her loans, do so. You did act in good faith when you helped her out, but she's not acting in good faith now.

Thank you, Sheila.

Yes, we co-signed the loans. Paying her loans means we can't save anything for retirement. We have a whopping $43 in savings. She knows this and doesn't care.

I'm not letting her control things or run our lives, but her behavior and attitude are breaking my heart, and my husband's.

declaring bankruptcy, but I have no idea if that would get you out from under the student loans.

If she's living elsewhere, give her a time limit to move her things out, since you need room in your house. Let her know everything left behind will be donated to whatever charitable organization you choose, and do it.

I am just so sorry that you let her saddle you with loans after her first college drop out, but that's water under the bridge, and you need to find a way to move on. I have nothing but sympathy for you, because any one of us could easily have made the same choices that you did. Any one of us can lose our jobs and our savings and wind up in dire straits, and it can be impossible to get out from under a huge load of debt.

For me, personally, when things are bad, or merely not going as I'd like, I try to figure out what kinds of lessons I might be supposed to learn. Sometimes that helps.

there is no escape from student loans. They follow you until you die. Last year a 72 year old woman was forced out of her home over her student loans from when she was in her 50s and went back for a Masters.

Obama did just put one exception into law. If you work for 10 years in certain low-income nonprofits and make all your payments on time, they will forgive the balance of the Stafford Loans. Also, if you join the Peace Corp or some other org (Project Hope I think?) for a couple years they will forgive half your Stafford Loans and/or 15% of private loans. Something like that.

http://www.ourfuture.org/blog-entry/2009062410/americas-student-debt-now. It was kindly provided by Truedelphi over the summer during a massive discussion about the Dalai Lama http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5862109#5868953

Obama Administration Providing Some Relief

Robert Shireman of the U.S. Department of Education explained the steps moving forward by the Obama administration to address college affordability:

* Income-based repayment – In effect July 1, 2009, this program provides a new payment option for federal student loan borrowers with repayment based on income and family size, with debt forgiveness after 25 years of payment.
* Pell grant increases – Obama’s FY 2010 budget increases the Pell grant maximum to $5500 this fall; thereafter, Pell will be indexed to the consumer price index plus 1 percent to adjust for inflation.
* Eliminating bank subsides – By ending the Federal Family Education Loan program that excessively subsidizes banks, in favor of the government's Direct Loan program, the move will save $47 billion over five years. The Obama budget then redirects the savings to students.
* “American Opportunity” tax credit - Partially refundable, it provides middle and working class families additional help for postsecondary education costs with a maximum credit of $2,500 a year.

is to meditate daily and visualize your daughter surrounded by light. Ask that she learn life's lessons "in a good way". Then visualize the rest of your family, including yourself, as being healthy and happy and, above all, financially secure. Do this every day, even on days when it appears things are bleak and dark. You might also wish to ask that you learn your lessons in a good way--this is the Lakotah way of dealing with matters of this sort, and is often used in prayers during sweat lodges.