1990.

For some odd reason, 1990 has been following me around since last fall. Stuff I haven't thought about since that time--books, movies and television, in particular--keep popping back into my life.

It's kinda freaking me out. 1990 was not a good year for me. I had just started sixth grade at a new school, where all the other students were mean to me for one. solid. year. It was a rough adjustment (one reason I almost never think about 1990.) It was a Year of the Horse, which is energy I hate. The current events of that year (collapse of the Soviet state, a lot of upheaval in Oregon and my town specifically) were shocking and scary for a little sixth grader.

Mostly, I have no idea what is drudging all this stuff back up. Does anyone get any hits about why?

what happened thereafter, and how did you overcome those experiences?

But...I won't say I feel the outcome was...good. That year really cemented my sense of alienation from society at large. It took a long time for me to feel even remotely comfortable in the world again, and in some ways, I still don't.

On the other hand, I learned about survival, and had one good year right after my post-sixth grade hell. Wish it had stayed that way.

... as I read your post: There is a particular lesson that took place in that year. You will revisit it but now from a higher perspective for final resolution. What do you feel was your lesson (looking back at it now) - the word UPHEAVAL jumped out at me when I just looked at your post - as if in large blinking letters. What's going on for you now that feels like an upheaval? Is there a shift happening for you that feels really large? And how would you look at it differently than you did in 1990?

It's my sense when things repeat, we come at it from a different perspective with lessons learned since that time a part of the new perspective. For example, I struggled with abandonment issues for a good part of my mid-teens through to present. There's someone in my life who, for the past nine years, comes and goes with no explanation. It's taken me the better part of the nine years to work through the challenges this presents me. Each time this person leaves (for a year and a half, a year, a few months), I am reminded of that abandonment thing and given an opportunity to learn how to manage that feeling. This last time, I finally "GOT" that it wasn't about me and this person liking me or not. And something that was just a concept to me (oh, it's not about you, it's about them) FINALLY came down into the physical for me. I finally managed my fears about it. Took me a while but I did it. So, each time this person left, I was given a chance to work on my issues and it finally paid off. That's kind of what I'm talking about here, BI. What issue was going on at that time might be ready for resolution now?

Hope this helped.

Yes, I am at the threshold of a great change. It's about independence.

A lesson from the past--that seems right, but...what, I don't know. Bullies are bad? New friends are worth keeping?

... will now start to fall away. Some of it will feel scary to you. Trust that it is what is needed. The great majority of it will feel like taking a breath of fresh air after having been in a musty closet for many years.

There's more but this is what I feel coming through now.

Anyone else with some thoughts?

:thumbsup:

That's what I was getting. Strength of character, strength of purpose. It took a lot of strength for a sixth grader to survive that rough a year. You have it in you, and you need to recognize that you do. Whatever life throws at you in the future, you can handle it (and it likely won't be anywhere near as traumatic as what you went through in '90). :hug:

on the changes you are contemplating? I wonder if somehow your inner child is resisting this change because of the trauma you experienced then. She's reminding you by bringing up the past that change can be scary and bad, maybe. It might be time to look at some inner child work; many of us have rejected that inner child in order to be "tough" and survive. At a later time, it can be really healing to revisit that time so you can reassure the little girl who is scared and hurt that you will protect her, and you understand what she went through.

I also agree with mysticalchick that issues from the past come up again so we can deal with them from our stronger and wiser perspective, and each time they come up, due to the work we've done in the interim hopefully they have lost some of their power to hurt us. I think sometimes it gives us the opportunity to see how far we've come.

:hug: