posted in Prayers... me & the Teen

He is convinced hate him and never wanted him in the first place - I am DONE trying to make him okay when he chooses a violent video game over learning skills in the REAL world- i tried to delete the program off his computer, and it was ON...

He screams at me and threw something at me and tells me I hate him, when i tell him he is in need of help and i see his health and soul deteriorating...

then it escalated and i got mad too, and said if i didn't care about him and his well being i wouldn't still drive him around or take him to the college and make sure he registered, and his grandparents and I wouldn't have given him all he has ever wanted or needed...


i'm angry and sad, but more than anything i just want him to go ahead and GO... it's a hard world out there and maybe he needs that slap on the face to wake up?

(and now i just got called in to work and have to leave - my little girl is home sick and i hate having to leave her here with him, even for an hour...)
crap!

he wants and needs his own life. Be loving, be supportive but it is time to shoo him from the nest.

We have a blow up, he apologizes, he does the dishes and takes out the trash for a couple days, i let his girlfriend hang out and try to prod him into cleaning his room, etc...and then i get frustrated at the lack of help and comment on his needing to help more and then a blowup ensues...

so this morning i actually caught it before the blowup point and mentioned that he needs to figure out how he is going to shift this. I said it seems that everything is okay as long as i don't ask for too much and let him do whatever he wants... but if i get frustrated or ask for more than he cares to help with... he gets all upset...
so i told him there needs to be a shift here...and i told him i don't want it to come to a 'kicking him out' scenario, that isn't fair to either of us.

and the more I look at it - the more I think I may promote/encourage him taking the military option
see below...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x217577

Statistical has some excellent advice should you and your son decide to go this route, too. From everything you've said, it really does sound like the best option for both of you.

I also get the feeling that your son would do very well as a military officer (but please take my intuition with a healthy grain of salt -- it's hardly accurate ^^; ).

it is also emasculating (a cultural thing, but common to many cultures). women are often sold that their worth is in how they can present themselves to others. men are often sold that their worth is in how they can provide for others. it is a cultural burden, but no less real -- and patriarchal conceptions are not going to die overnight.

the military might be a good option for him -- however it does not ring true in my gut. dunno, it's an intuitive thing. but probably assisted by a revulsion of joining a military during illegal occupations and casual wasting of our country's greatest treasure, its promising new life.

gonna need to have the "i know you're unemployed, but you're still valued, autonomous, and will one day find good work -- till then just help around the house" talk. he's a legal adult, however he's also your baby (and will be forever). this means that you don't want him economically struggling, even though you are as well. thrust into higher rent payments just makes things harder; but how to keep the peace when this is the age where the strongest urge to leave the nest occurs?

i don't buy that the military builds direction, responsibility, and purpose -- i've seen too many who went in and cannot possibly be assessed that way. mostly it's a big socialist institution that covers almost all of life's expenses for the trade of being ordered around, especially into deadly situations. yeah, everyone can look responsible when the majority of their expenses are covered. but ask how many know how to budget their re-up bonuses and the like? the VA is awash with credit counselors and the like trying to fix young families screwing their life up with bad management -- and the military did nothing to prepare them for such things. it's good for people who are smart but just needed a swift kick in the pants and Uncle Sam to pay all their debts; for far too many others it's just another holding pattern with a socialist pact that covers most of life's expenses.

here's the honest parental assessment -- is your child smart enough for 4 yr or higher college? is he more vocational material? is there real frustrated talent untapped, or a confused mediocrity needing structure? no one likes to make such assessments (because they are needlessly value-laden), but career counselors can walk him through this self-evaluating process.

remember, he's still a scared boy trying to figure out what it means to be a man.

(have you tried giving terms like a roommate arrangement? expectations to clean up his dishes, take out his garbage, share the chores, etc.? has he lived with any roommates yet? the tension of self-imposed disgust might make him almost impossible to live with right now. a man without purpose or means is incredibly irritable. given semi-autonomy and responsibility, however small the sphere, often gives venue to expressing his competency. oh, btw, might i recommend not fixating on his 'man cave' however -- men often need a place of retreat to process emotions. less experience with the skill, again a cultural thing.)

EDIT: i can just imagine my mom's response if i said such a similar thing. Furious eyes, single trailing tear, followed by a "HOW DARE YOU! After all these years you tell me you cannot see how much I love you?..." trails into silence followed by a wracking sob, turn and stagger away as if mortally wounded. theatrical, yes, but honest. most men are aghast at the thought of making a woman cry, especially their mother. i assume a similar scene ensued at your home...

I went through it myself with two teenagers, and thought I'd never make it. Everyday was a fight, sometimes against both of them at the same time. My husband was dealing the best he could, but that was by yelling and yanking and shoving, which only made it worse. My parents would never have tolerated from me or my siblings the type of disrespect and horrible things my kids were saying to my husband and me. All my friends with teenagers were sharing that they were experiencing the same things. Then I realized that the kids today are different than they were when we were kids. It's not just the parenting skills or lack of them, but it's still important. My kids were hanging out with troubled kids at school, and were very adversely affected by those negative connections. What they felt entitled to was absolutely outrageous. I took both of them to counseling (at different times), but each time found ourselves with girls in their 20's with PhD's and no parenting experience. They gave such horrible advice that they created more problems between us instead of making anything better.

I wish I knew the right things to say, but I know that regardless, it's not easy in any way, shape or form. I tried to direct them away from the troubled kids. I did a lot of praying for help. Despite the fact that I worked full time, I drove them and their friends almost everywhere they wanted to go. None of the other parents did this, but it kept me a little closer to knowing where they were going and they would open up to me about all kinds of things. Today, it's better. They are 19 and 21, but they still have the tendency of turning into jerks when they hear from me what they don't want to hear. Over time, it is becoming less and less often.

Kids are having tough times out there. Many parents have given up on these young teenagers, and those kids don't stand a chance at getting a good education, job, etc. You know, living a normal life. Today, my heart goes out to them and I try to give them as much direction and encouragement as I can. These young people have become the brightest part of my life. Is it worth all the crap? Yes, but I'd never want to go through it again. Your teenager will one day have his own teenager and see things much more clearly. Hang on to that thought today! :)

This is sweet. And I hope helpful to you dear one.


How do you let go? This is difficult! You’re so attached to your worry. It’s like a crazy making friend. You know you have to let go, yet your brain keeps thinking about the worry. Thinking makes it so. So the first thing you need to do is to pretend that you’ve let go. As Wayne Dyer says, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” Eventually your brain will believe your new thoughts, then finally you’ll see changes. Letting go of attachments and outcomes is a freeing thing.

How do you become closer to your kids? When you’re not worrying that their life is a mess, you stop criticizing and being mad at them. Slowly they feel that you’re trusting them and valuing them. Your children will open up and want to be around you. It’s amazing and it does work.

By the way, being a Zen Mama doesn’t mean you have no limits. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care but you’ve stopped being controlling. You’re not as attached to the outcome. It means setting limits with calmness, not anger and trust, not worry.

The full article: http://psychiceveryday.com/2011/01/19/the-value-of-being-a-zen-mama/

:hug:

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Of course he apologized and backed down--he knows he's got a good setup with you. If you think that's keeping him from growing up, then do what you have to do. But he's still a child (no matter how much taller than you he is), and tossing him out of the house and/or into the military will just freak him out.

Don't coddle, of course, but don't be too hard on him. How old is he--18? Don't panic just yet--most kids don't figure out what they want to do till they've got maybe five, sometimes 10 more years under their belts.

Also, try not to see any negative traits from his father (or even from you) in him--or at least meditate on it to figure out if what you see is really there, or a product of your fears.

How about...right now, make him get a job and take a couple of college classes (not a full slate--that's a lot of wasted money if he bails on them). Make him pay you rent--even just a symbolic small amount--and contribute some cash to the grocery bill. Make him do his own laundry.

And have patience. :hug: