Dearest ASAHer's,

I am not used to receiving such love, caring and guidance in my life, as you all have shown me these last few weeks. Words cannot begin to convey how deeply your caring words and loving energies have touched my very soul. :cry::cry::cry:

I never knew that people that have never met me could show me such unconditional love and caring. I have never felt that I really belonged anywhere in my life, never felt safe enough to let my guard down to share these sorrows with hardly anyone ever in my life. You have all made me feel as if someone actually could love me, and unconditionally. I have never had this before and am not sure how to deal with it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

My birth and step/half families taught me that I was nothing unless I could find a "good" husband. I ended up married four times before age 28, six days, six weeks, six months and six years, convinced more with each 'marriage' that I was a complete failure in life.

My childhood was a brutal time, little love or affection and much physical abuse. I was molested and physically thrown around, beginning at age six months, until Mom finally divorced him at age six.

Mom remarried within a month of her divorce to a man I had met exactly once. He was verbally cruel and his ongoing inappropriate touching became so unbearable that I left the house at age 14.

I was always told, "He doesn't mean anything by it.", and quickly learned to allow men to do whatever they wanted to me and just keep my mouth shut if I wanted them to "love" me. The touching by my step-father continued up until two weeks before he was killed in 2004, on almost every visit to their house, with my mother still claiming he meant nothing by it.

When I was ten or eleven, I started reading about the Holocaust. The first book I read was "The Diary of Anne Frank". I then devoured every book the library had on it. My heart was so broken to know that there were others that suffered so much worse than me. I stood in the field beside the house most of one entire day and begged 'God' to allow me to carry some of the suffering for others, so they could find some small iota of comfort that I never seemed to find for myself.

I lived on the streets for several years, always working somewhere, sleeping in unlocked vehicles, on the floor of the 24 hr. laundromat restroom in town and sleeping with men I hoped would see that I was good enough and finally someone would "love" me. I managed to get an old car at age 19 and lived in that for a quite a few months, still always working, cleaning up for work in gas station restrooms. Becoming pregnant with my daughter at age twenty literally saved my life.

I started 'knowing' things when I was very young. I would get into trouble for asking questions about things I wasn't supposed to know. I dreamed of blood and squealing tires at age 16 and the next day I learned my dear grandfather had been hit by a car and killed the day before.

I would start feeling this horrible sickening 'unease' and someone close to me would die within a few days to a week. I never knew why I felt it when it happened, but finally learned that something would happen whenever that feeling came.

Since I was young there have been innumerable times when I would be drawn to complete strangers in public, or they to me, and they would start telling me deep hurts they carried. It happened so much that I became an almost total recluse for nearly an entire decade, in the 1980's. Still, strangers that needed me, for whatever comfort they needed, would end up at my door or find me whenever I ventured out to the store once a month or so.

It took me many years to learn that the sorrows that I was often feeling were not mine, but belonged to others. I finally realized it in 2004 when driving home past one rural beauty shop. I was suddenly overcome with soul racking sorrow and grief and wanted desperately to kill myself, as I turned the corner and continued toward my house the overwhelming feelings started to dissipate, though still extremely painful.

When I reached the house I told my then current boyfriend about what had happened and he stunned me by telling me that the night before a woman we knew, not very well but a small town knowing, had killed herself in her apartment behind that beauty shop.

No mental illness diagnosis has ever seemed to really 'fit' me, and I know now that much of the bi-polar/depression that I have felt has actually been the pain of others coming through me, as I had asked for so sincerely, yet naively, as a young girl. No wonder their pills never helped me much at all. Some of it is mine, I know, but much of it I have thought is mine, is not.

I have visited psychics a couple of times over the years and they claimed they got goose bumps from being near me. They say that there are many, many spirits lingering near me and the last one, 2004, even asked to be my teacher.

Family obligations, ( Mom's cancers, my daughter's two brutal rapes and my youngest sister's paranoid schizophrenia) have previously kept me from ever having the time to spend to seriously learn whatever the Universe wishes me to know and to do. Though I read about spiritual knowledge constantly for many years, reading has not been enough with no teacher to guide me. You have become my teachers and I am so grateful for you all. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am looking for a place to be, to have the care that I give actually mean something. So far, it seems, that no matter how much I give of myself, it has never been enough for those receiving it. I have been surrounded by 'psychic vampires' most of my life and that has brought me to this point. I value the lessons, but have grown beyond weary of late.

My heart and soul are opening up here with your beautiful loving souls. I don't know where this will take me, but I am ready to proceed on my path and your guidance is more valuable than I can ever begin to express in words. :cry:

May the Universe hold you all in it's loving arms and protect you. May your blessings be innumerable and your hearts find peace and contentment. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Namaste, my dear, dear ones! And I thank you from the depths of my soul for all of your wisdom and kindnesses! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Vicki

You ARE love, Mnemosyne. :hug:

I'm so glad you feel you can allow others to love you and be there for you, in whatever way we can. That's HUGE.

And brave.

And appreciated.

Allowing us to love you is a gift to us.

:grouphug:

While I am so sorry -- in a way I can't convey in words -- for the suffering you've endured, I'm grateful you had the strength to share it. You have no idea how many you may help by doing so.

Bless you, bless you, bless you.....

:loveya:

:hug::cry::hug::cry::hug:

You have carried way too many heavy burdens.
I am so happy that the good folk here are strong, wise and capable of helping to carry you when you need it.
Wishing you many blessings,
LibE

:hug::cry::hug::cry::hug:

your beautiful spirit shines through very clearly, even in your writing.

By the way, that decision that you made in your youth is not cast in stone. You have every right to say that you changed your mind. It's not selfish to decide that you can't carry the weight of the world; it's enough to do your part.

You have experienced more than what one person should ever have to experience. The fact that you've survived all of it and are still searching and trying is a true testament to the strength of your connection with your higher self. It is an amazing thing to see. I have much to learn from your example.

Much love to you, Mnemosyne. My wish for you is to find peace.

:loveya:

:grouphug:

You, and the other loving souls here, have shown me that you cannot save the world other than through saving yourself and allowing the Oneness to flow through.

I have so much to learn from all of you. Bless you for being here. :hug::hug::hug:

Your pain is my pain is his pain is her pain. The folks on this board have realized that fact, or have always known it, so it figures that this is the place where giving and loving and healing begins. Intuitives/empaths have had a rough time of it through the ages; especially if we've made known our gifts. Your journey has been particularly difficult this time around, and maybe the lesson you're leaning is to trust and know whom to trust. You've figured out whom (the energy) you can't trust, and now you're recognizing whom you can.

Much love to you, my sister.

All I've ever asked in return was for them to pay it forward. I am so grateful to have finally found so many others here that truly understand and feel it too.

You are so correct about my lessons of trust. It is hard to know whom to trust when your family cannot be trusted with your heart. Luckily, I have been naive enough and have faith enough to have kept trusting, knowing there are others that are safe to trust and that I would find them someday. I believe it is my faith in the Oneness that has finally brought me here; to my teachers. :grouphug:

Thank you for being here. Much love to you also, my dear sister! :hug:

Though I am usually quiet here, I must tell you I have found much unconditional love, peace, acceptance, and safety here. I am blessed to have found ASAH, its' members, and now you. Welcome. :hug:

You have had a hard path up to now. May your load lighten, may your peace and joy be abundant, and may you be continually blessed.

Jenn

:cry::hug::cry:

Bless you for speaking up now. I, also, have mostly lurked until I felt the safety and love here was true. Angels reside here. :grouphug:

Thank you so very much for sharing this! :hug:

Fellow ASAH'ers are some of the most loving, caring, high-vibrational people you'd ever want to know - virtually or in real life. They are awesome, aren't they?

(I look forward to talking with you, Vicki. I think I can help, even if just a little bit, move out some of that yuck.)

Blessings to you.

The weight of the world is not yours to carry anymore. You're right, and you "know" now that we are all one, as others here have said and now it's time to allow the energy to flow through you and you can help more people than you can ever imagine by holding and shining your light into the world.

There's a better way of helping others that we are now aware of, and that is by bringing our light to others. IHAD is right, you can change your mind, and it's ok to do that. That "promise" you made long ago, you can still fulfill but just in a better way, and a in a way that is not detrimental to you.

I also feel your pain of being an emapath. And also the confusion of knowing things, sometimes not pleasant things that others did not know. I too carried others pain for years before realizing what I was doing. And I too only wanted to help others.

You are an amazing, amazing person to take on what you have. But now it's time to do it a different way, a better way, and a way that will allow you to heal yourself for all that you've endured. I was going to suggest that you have some energy work to have some of the "gunk" removed, but it sounds like you're already considering that after reading Mysticalchick's post. I know this works and I think it will be good for you, but just remember that when the stuff comes up and out, we sometimes feel worse before we feel better, but it's a good sign because that means it's LEAVING! Hang in there my friend, and I extend much love, light and healing to you!

:hug::hug::hug:

The time to do it a different way is definitely now. Without the love and support I have found here, and of the three beautiful friends I have left personally, I am afraid of which way I would have 'flown off'.

I hear you, being an empath is tough. I couldn't believe it took so many years to understand what was happening. I truly thought there was no turning back on how I carried it; you all here have shown me better. :hug:

I never felt I deserved to take care of myself or even be taken care of by anyone. I didn't want to become a self-centered, self-serving person and took it way too far trying to go the other way. I thank the Universe each day for guiding me to this forum.

I was slow to stop lurking, but time helped me know the truth and safety for my heart here. Everyone has remained consistentantly kind and caring the entire time I mostly just observed.

I finally just had to reach out, and everyone has been so very kind. :cry::grouphug::cry:

The gunk removal sounds much like the Reiki a friend has done on me a couple times. It did get rough for a bit, but it helped me find some clarity and that was good. :)

Thank you for the kind words, and if I haven't before - Welcome to DU! You are a beautiful part of this group! :hi::hug:

Sent you a PM.

:hug::hug::hug:

and great big hugs
:hug:
I feel at home here too.

Namaste :hug::hug::hug:

The sharing! There are many here that can help, I just know it...I have also heard of something called Somatic Emotional Release and/or cranial sacral massage. The idea is to release everything, everything to allow for healing. Open Hugs!

My openess has caused many some, uh, discomfort, in my life over the years. I've constantly been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, but never have known how to hold back. Yeah, it's gotten me into some trouble in earlier years, :evilgrin:

Thank you for your kind words and the good advice on SER.

I have found hope here that I thought I had lost long ago. :hug::hug::hug:

This place is amazing..., like one big heart...You know, something odd came to my memory recently. I'd forgotten all about it until I thought about your post.. Back in '90, we were renting a home, new job for hubby, and all, a nice place, but very odd in a lot of rooms and there was just a wild energy. I went through some physical ailments, was more ill than I had been my entire life, and then come to find out, the landlord lady had failed to tell us that a family member had killed themselves there. .. It certainly made sense...Things improved after we moved from there....I hadn't thought of it in forever!:hug:

Mnemosyne, I think you possess a great inner strength. May you be given all that you need.

I'm finding that I am much stronger than I ever dreamed.

:hug::hug::hug:

What a path you have chosen in this incarnation! I am in awe of you. :hug:

You have gone through so much in this lifetime that I think you've cleared your karma completely! If you choose to incarnate again, you will be fully qualified to live a life of blissful luxury, love, and happiness. ;)

Perhaps now, with the new energy and the shift that is occurring, you can take this opportunity to release yourself from your vow. You have done quite enough, IMO, and shouldn't have to do any more.

I recall a lesson in karma that I learned several years ago; it took me a while to realize this is the Truth (since we all tend to have this innate belief that we must suffer more than necessary): we can change any--ANY--karmic contract that we want, at any time. As in, "You know what? I don't think I want to get on the rollercoaster after all. I think I'll put it off for another day (lifetime) and go get a cotton candy and ride the merry-go-round instead."

Believe that you can now live a happier, stress-free life full of love, and it will be yours. I hope you make that choice now. Relax for a while. :hug:

I am :blush::blush::blush: from the responses here. I have just always done what seemed the right thing at the moment.

I guess on the other side I felt so optimistic and invincible when choosing my current life. I must have forgtten between this and my last life, just how very difficult the school here is. What a ride! :)

The love and happiness sounds like a great ticket for a change! I would have no clue though, on how to live in luxury, unless it was with a sauna and a jaccuzi! :woohoo:

The beautiful folks here have helped me to understand that my 'vow' does not have to be written in stone nor eternity. I am deeply grateful to finally understand, that it never was in stone, anywhere other than in my own heart. I am learning to let it go with the loving energy I have been blessed with in this forum.

There truly is an innate belief that we must suffer more than required?! No wonder!

I cannot get on that rollercoaster ever again.

Thank you for your kindness and wisdom! :hug::hug::hug:

All we need is love.........
All we need is love, love
All we ever need is love.

People do find it here, and we are grateful for the presence of each and every soul here, lurking or posting.

Thank you for this thread. We have all grown from your experiences, your raw honesty.

:grouphug:

All we need is love. I am finally beginning to understand this fact on a spiritual level, rather than from the material world veiw we have been conditioned to accept.:grouphug:

I am so grateful that the words were given to me to write the OP. I've had some severe writer's block the last several years and had almost forgotten how healing it is to let it simply flow through and to the page.. :grouphug:

Thank you :blush:

Namaste, dear Celebration! :hug::hug::hug:

Now is the time to let it go. You are loved for being who you are. You don't have to try any longer. You are a beautiful being of amazing gifts. Close your eyes, see yourself as the divine being you are, and feel the embraces from heaven all around you. Join in and embrace yourself, embrace that inner child who has been hurting for a lifetime. Show her the love you have for her like you've never shown love before. She needs you and its time.

In the meantime, we are all here for you in this incredible path you've finally landed on. As you continue this journey, you will find more and more love and support that's yours for the taking. In fact, you will find it is infinite. You can never receive too much.

Lots of love to you and many wonderful things for you ahead. :loveya:

Thank you for your beautiful energy, kind words and for being here for me. I feel truly One here with such an expanded depth that I had never actually understood until now. :hug::blush:

The souls here are a glowing light of pure love that I knew existed, but could not seem to find. Guess it just wasn't the time until recently, I simply was not ready before. :grouphug:

"Embrace" is the word that had eluded me. Before recently, I understood and felt my part as an 'embracer'; here I am learning how to allow myself to become the 'embracee', slowly but surely, a bit more each day. :) :grouphug:

I am feeling it more and more, and am deeply humbled by it.

Namaste :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

That's so beautiful!!!

:cry:

:hug:

:loveya: