I am in a state of shock

I found out today that my older daughter (O.D.) and her boyfriend got married recently and didn't tell us.

My younger daughter (Y.D. )told me today that the older one told Y.D's boyfriend about it and swore him to secrecy. He told Y.D. anyway, and she told my husband a few weeks ago. My husband and Y.D. were holding off on telling me because they were afraid it would hurt my feelings badly. I tracked down the marriage record online and verified they were married two months ago in another state, by a justice of the peace.

My first reaction was one of relief that we wouldn't have to pay for a wedding, since we're broke because of my not working for almost 2 1/2 years. She's been living with the guy for five years, and we think he's a great guy and have no objections whatever to her marrying him. We have no problem with her having a civil ceremony. But my husband, younger daughter and I are all hurt that she not only didn't want us there, but hasn't told any of us directly.

At the moment she's not even talking to us for some reason -- last weekend my husband called to ask if they were coming over, and for some unknown reason she threw a fit and yelled at him, then hung up. She has a lot of abrupt mood swings and is very unfocused about what she wants to do with her life. She's 3 credits short of a B.A. in history, and has put off and put off finishing them for several years, opting to work as a nanny for low pay. Recently I've started wondering if the mood swings could be signs of something like bipolar disorder. But I know she would throw the fit of fits if someone even hinted to her that she might benefit from counseling.

Thanks for listening.

But thats about all i can offer LiberalEsto.
I don't have any children so what your going through is way out of my depth.
:hug:

I needed that.
Part of me wants to break down and cry.
Part of me is pissed.
I just don't know what to think.

I feel the pain and confusion you are expressing. Sometimes it's good to just break down and cry. I wish I had the words that would help, and all I can think of to offer is that I think her distancing is about her, not about you. I see you holding a loving space for her, and letting her find her way back to you. I'll bet she will, and I hope, soon. Hugs to you and take good care of yourself.
:hug:

:hug:

That is shocking. You have every right to be reeling right now.

Why did they not tell you, do you know or can you guess? I find it very unusual that they would feel driven to marry in secret if you and the rest of your family think her BF--well, husband, now--is a great guy and would have approved of their marriage.

The reason I ask is that something seems off--that your daughter wouldn't want her immediate family at her wedding, unless there's a history of discord there.

If the way she is behaving is not typical of her, your instincts are probably right--bipolar is one possibility, depression another. This might be drastic and out of the question, but drug and/or alcohol abuse could also cause an abrupt change in behavior, as can relationship issues (if the BF/husband is a controlling sort). Of course, I'm just tossing possibilities out there--hard to tell without knowing the couple in question.

You really should reach out to her, though, to find out what's wrong (even risking her pitching a fit).

Sending light to you for your peace of mind in the meantime, LE. :hug: :hug: :hug:

MY YD is similarly short of degree, I just learned throwing fits w her s.o., and he mentioned bipolar possibility to me today.

Holding my breath, hope to figure out what to do.

:fistbump:

P.S., you're very lucky they eloped, as we're planning Sept wedding for OD. Holy Cows!

:wtf:

Maybe they wanted to spare you the expense of a 'real' wedding, didn't/don't want to discuss financial situation. Obviously other emotional things in the mix, may make situation appear worse than actually.

:hug:

I'm SO with you.

E

:grouphug:

Wishing everyone Grace and Ease....

Hoping things settle down soon with your daughter and you can celebrate good days ahead. :hug:

and best wishes to all who are suffering.

I would like to recommend a couple of websites that might help clarify things for you:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-children-and-teens-easy-to-read/index.shtml

http://bipolar.about.com/od/diagnosissymptoms/u/diagsymptoms.htm



:grouphug:

Thank you very much for posting them, hermetic!

:thumbsup:
:hi:

People have their own issues. The description of her mood swings and indecision regarding her career future remind me of how depression affected my life. I was so emotional that I could literally go from 0 to 60 in anger, fear, or misery. I hope she gets tired of the feeling and looks for a solution. All my husband could do was let me be before I finally gave up and decided I couldn't control this problem on my own. But that's just my tale. Whatever is effecting her realize it is a problem that has nothing to do with you.

It is so wonderful to have a safe, loving place to take one's troubles.
You folks are all darlings, and I love the way people care for each other here at ASAH. What a blessing it is to read this forum.

Thank you for reminding me that whatever is going on is about her, not me.
Thank you all for the hugs, and the sympathy, and the empathy, and the understanding.
Your individual responses have given me a great deal to consider.

My husband and I think we will take a wait and see attitude for now, although we are both hurt and upset. What's done is done, although I thought we had enough of a decent family relationship that she would have let us know by now.

I will let you know if anything new develops.

LiberalEsto

:loveya: :grouphug:

in the past in reference to your daughter. Given that, I truly feel that this is a gift from the Universe to you. I know that it hurts, but can you imagine the drama that would have been involved in trying to organize a wedding for her?

I think that you were protected. O8)

I hope that you are able to get past the hurt, although I completely understand why you feel as you do.

:hug:

The way I approach things like this is I try to completely visualize the alternative. After doing so, I ask myself if I'd have really liked that to have manifested instead. If not, then I thank the Universe, but still allow myself to have my feelings. Doing this always allows me to process the situation much more quickly so that I can get past the hurt.

Your hurt and anger are natural -- the anger is just a way to stave off the hurt for a while. It's ok to cry. At least she did spare you the expense and nightmarish hassle of a wedding. Maybe she didn't tell you because she first didn't want to go through the stress of your wanting to throw a wedding, then go through the stress of telling you she'd already gotten married.

Just give it time and breathe. It will all work out... :hugs: