Wish I understood the tendency to kick a person who's down

I've been looking at my astro chart and my husband's and I still don't get what is causing him to be so mean to me all of a sudden.
I realize that he is afraid, because his pension will be gone by December, as he lost most of his nest egg in the 2008 stock market crash - if he had listened to me, it wouldn't have happened. I tried to get him to take it out of the stocks and put it in the money market, but he didn't listen. Then when I lost my job in 2009, and went back to work on a Ph.D., we began living on my student loans and his social security (he's 71)… and a small pension I got from retiring early from the job I lost.
I know it is hard out there, and I know we are in financial trouble. I've been looking for a job. But I don't want to go to work for Wal-Mart or someplace when I should be making $70K a year. Meanwhile, I think the best tactic is to stay in school - I have one year left of course work, then I'll be ABD, and I can get a good job then.
We will have six very hard months; my unemployment also runs out in January, 2012.
I will be ABD by May.
Am I being selfish? Am I being short-sighted? I don't think so.
Last Friday he went with me to the town 45 miles away where I have to check in for my unemployment once a month, because I had been up most of the night working on a paper and was too tired to make the trip alone. On the way back, I needed to stop and get some gasoline, and he flew into a rage. He said I needed to get a job.
He had the money - but didn't want to give it to me. He finally let me have $20.
I would never be this mean to him - I have nursed him through three heart attacks and a case of prostate cancer. Now that I need his understanding, I'm not getting it.
I'm a Virgo, born Sept 12 1950, at 4:27 a.m., Leavenworth KS
He is a Scorpio born 11/02/39, at 10 a.m., Sulphur Springs, AR.
My transiting jupiter and venus are conjunct in my eighth house of other people's money; also in the 8th are Chiron and the sun. Is that what is causing the problem?
Also, it is the toughest time of the semester when I have papers to write and I'm exhausted.

I would appreciate anyone's thoughts - sorry for all the personal info.

While I'm not a physician, I've read about things that can cause behavior changes in older adults. My mother-in-law died after 7 years with Alzheimer's, and one of my neighbors has it.

I've read that sometimes older people have mini-strokes (TIAs) that can cause behavior changes, make then cranky, etc. Unfortunately I have also read that some of the earliest signs of dementia include
anger and irritability.

from the Alzheimer's Association web site:

One of the 10 early signs.

"Changes in mood and personality - The mood and personalities of people with Alzheimer's can change. They can become confused, suspicious, depressed, fearful or anxious. They may be easily upset at home, at work, with friends or in places where they are out of their comfort zone".

Sorry you're going through this while going to school and struggling.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

He goes to the doctor religiously. LOL.
it's not Alzheimer's - it is fear. And I think he may not be taking his prozac. He has a tendency to brood and get all worked up.
He's a Scorpio/Cancer, you see. The worst of both worlds.

and PL is within inches of affecting the same place. This is OLD OLD OLD stuff coming out. His Moon in Cancer doesn't help here any because, my guess, is that he's turned you into the "mother" and he simply wants to to fix it.

He needs to work on his old issues. Baggage. Pre PL, he was able to push it down, no more, it must be dealt with now.
I wish you the best of luck. Don't be typical Virgo and take responsibility for his action or non-action. I'm sure you're always doing the right thing.


You are TRIPLE VIRGO WITH SATURN IN VIRGO BETWEEN YOUR SUN AND MOON.
Translation: it is your JOB TO FIX EVERYTHING...... not, it isn't
He's hurting and scared and is lashing out to the one he loves.


Good luck :hug:

then, it will ease some

That's us, in a nutshell. I've always been the one to fix things. When he got sick in 1998, and had his first heart attack, it was me who had the health insurance that got him well. I had the job, and I made the money. Then when he had to retire in 2001 because of his heart condition and a prostate cancer scare, again I picked up the pieces. However, I'm never going to be the breadwinner that he was. He had his own business and lots of cash flow. I'm an academic. He doesn't understand why, with all my education, I have had trouble getting a good job the last two years. I think I'm doing what is necessary to ensure I am able to get a good job once I'm out of school. He doesn't understand the mechanics of that. He only has a high school education - and that was enough, when he was able to start his own business, etc.
We have four grown children, one ours and three his from a former marriage. We've been married 34 years.
I have become his Mom in so many ways. And a surrogate Mom to his boys, who have a great Mom, but they aren't always able to communicate with her well. The younger two, especially. The youngest, next month turning 46 years old, is having serious substance abuse issues and is now dealing with losing his driving license again - he got stopped for a DWI in December last year, and refused the breathalyzer. So it is possible jail time and a mandatory loss of license for a year, plus it is his third offense.
He didn't tell anyone about it; I found out by looking at case net online, and alerted his Dad and then his Mom - because nobody knew what he was dealing with. He knows I told his Mom about it and he isn't happy with me, but I felt she should know. This family keeps too many secrets.
The boy was born May 14, 1965, Rogers AR, I'm not sure what time.
His mom was born November 17, 1941, 12:31 a.m., Rogers, AR.

Btw, can you give me any insight about whether I could get a good job soon? That would be optimum - unless it would stop my education in its tracks. I've been trying to get some financial aid but they finance foreign students and students of color more often than old white women, LOL>

We had to go to Texas for a wedding this weekend, and it is my family, so I left DH at his sister's house, 100 miles from the wedding. This morning he was just hateful to me in front of his sister, who prefers his first wife - and is friends with her, and that is OK, I don't care. But it is hard to stomach. Anyway, I drove south, with a heavy heart. I know that I will finish my degree and then I will look at my options. Those options may not include him. I have given all I can give, and received little. The other day, he said to me: "I can no longer take care of you. You are going to have to get a job."
I have been taking care of him for 15 years now. I lost my job in 2009, and I have still managed to keep things together. And my family has helped, especially my mother, who has bought me a car to drive when mine was no longer safe.
I feel that all we are now is roommates, and he is not happy with the arrangement, apparently. I'm not a good enough housekeeper, not a good breadwinner, not good at anything. I receive nothing from him - not love, not caring, not nurturing. I'm afraid he hates me because I can't be what he wants me to be. I may not wait for my degree to be finished. I may leave him sooner.
I can always move in with Mom.

If I were you (and I am very aware I am not in your shoes); I would take a mini-vacation (if that's possible,maybe not because of school) and give him a taste of what it would be like without you. Maybe after May? If you can hold out that long.
Best of luck... :hug:

I may very well do it. Part of the problem tho, is my babies - my two precious cats - who don't deserve to be left alone with him.
I will have to arrange for them to be with me. Once I figure that out, all is OK.
I'm sure he would miss all three of us.

But maybe not. He's been sort of starving me out… hard to explain, but he won't buy groceries, and won't help me with paying certain bills, and knows that I don't have the money to do it.

...really, take them with you and spend time in a pet friendly place. Yeah I know cats (not only am I a Leo, my name is "Cat" AND have always had cats) they don't like to be taken anywhere like a dog does, but they may be better off with you.

My fear USED to be that if my cats relocated with me, they would run away in their terror and get lost. Yes this is a real fear, but if they have been with you a long time, they won't. They know where their kitty bowl is and this is almost always their home base no matter where they are. They will eventually come back if they get out. But most of the time in a new place they are VERY cautious and that takes some time before they tired of "exploring" before they would become brave enough to venture farther because they almost always take some time to get used to where they are first before venturing any further. A few days in a place is probably not enough time for them to get that far.

There is a reason why cats are traditionally affiliated with witches as "familiars" or "animal allies". Because they stick close to whom they love and they are not prone to be as close to more than one person. They are also very perceptive from what an animal psychic tells me. They often "picture" what you think, or reflect what is on your mind. So communication with them by letting them know with your thoughts to stay close can work. Yes they are independent, but verbally talking to them is not so helpful as mentally picturing what you would like them to do, this does work I have found.

I hope this helps you to think about getting away for awhile. Yeah your kitties will be distressed while traveling with you with soulful meows and confusion (help them along by picturing in your mind the car, going and arriving to your destination before you leave and while you are traveling as to what you and they are going to do), but once you get where you plan to be and open their cages, they will most likely cautiously peak out and take it from there.

Love
Cat

I wouldn't ever leave them here. I would take them. I'm a long-time cat owner and lover. LOL.
What worries me is, I think he might fight me for custody. ROFLMAO.

...leaving for good. Traveling with animals is never easy and I was just thinking of you taking a break for awhile. As long as you and he have been together, sometimes staying together is just best, though I am not saying it should be this way for you ~ and you know the old saying about what it means when someone "assumes" ASSUME = making an ASS out of U and ME, lol) .

My ex-husband and I still live together (in separate rooms) and he dates, I date and it works ~ sorta. Because nobody we see understands our relationship, which is after 38 years and three kids, well we are still friends and it works out better for both of us financially. But he can be an ass ~ and OK I admit it, so can I. We have a lot of "old" stuff we are working out still and probably will for the rest of our lives, lol.

What has surprised and delighted me is seeing our own kids also manage their lives peacefully around their exes and I believe they learned it from us. Nowadays everyone can get together and it is fine. Theirs is a little better because if the new love understands (and sometimes they do, sometimes they don't), the new ones are welcome too.

In my generation this is not so accepted. I have a love interest right now who stays very distant from my family because of this and I have given up trying to include him, he is just not comfortable ~ and he is the 2nd long termed relationship since my ex and I have divorced, both with arrangements the same way. Still this means that he and I have our own private life together and this is nice too because it is completely separate from the fray of family life with kids, grandkids and the drama that ensues that he never has to deal with and I prefer to keep separate anyway. More romance and less crap is what I say! LOL

ANYWAYS sorry to veer off, it is kind of funny how in the online world we "assume" a bunch of stuff that just isn't there, and I apologize for that. Still taking a "vacation" might be the best thing for you and him. He sounds like he has some "learnin' to do" about how much he needs you and a little time away to let it sink in might just be the ticket. WITH the kittehs going with you if you can. And do it more than once, go a few times, staying with friends, hanging out with a school project, taking time away as much as you can for awhile. Let him face an empty house with someone who is living a life without him, not in an angry way, but in a way where he sees you are finding better things to do than wait around. And yeah it could go two ways, both you and he may find it better not to be together, or he may realize he needs you and you need him and this is something precious if you do. As a man, admitting it is the beginning for him is all.

Believe me though I know the crap you are talking about, I still deal with it and sometimes I wish it wasn't as hard as it can be. I hope this helps to see things can be different ... not so scary as complete alienation, yet in a way where you are able to find what you need and so does he. It is a process that doesn't happen overnight, but there are always ways.

Love
Cat

I don't see why you are putting up with this. This person is bringing you nothing and in fact appears to be bringing you down. Yes, there are a lot of years together but that is no justification for putting up with his current bad behavior.

It sounds like you're on your way to a satisfying career. You're the one who has held things together. He's not pulling his own weight. Life is hard enough without carrying an extra burden.


Cher

If you hear his side of the story, I'm the dead weight on him.
It's complicated.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but when I get my courage up again, I will lay down some rules.
I just got back from an exhausting trip, taking him and my 91-year-old mother to Texas. We had a wedding to go to in Austin, and I dropped DH off at his sister's, in Waco.
I drove 10 hours both ways, with no help.
That is the kind of thing I deal with.
Now I have to work on my papers that are due.

I am not going to do anything rash.
I'm too old for that.
I think I'm going to work hard at getting through the next few days and weeks, and then take a deep breath and consider my alternatives. Right now I'm too exhausted and overworked.

...He "worked" and she didn't "work" and all their married life he treated her like she was a dead weight around his neck. When she was dying the light began to dawn on him how it REALLY was. Let me tell you this story ...

My mother was the one who did everything in order to make life easier for Dad so all he had to do was go to work and when he came home, he put up his feet and said, "Where's dinner?" His *only* other job was fixing and maintaining the car. His laundry was done (my mother even ironed his boxers), he never had to mow the lawn, I have no memories of ever seeing him vacuum, paint, move furniture, all he had to do was go to work. While my dad made a modest living, Mom also did all the financial stuff making sure the bills were paid and managing the bank accounts and budgeting what they had.

But SHE was a dead weight around his neck doncha know. And plus she always "spent too much" and never managed things right. All those years I watched her try to get him to sit down with her so she could show him what she was doing so he would know (and not criticize her), but he always said, "I already know what you are doing, this is why I know you are not doing it right ..."

A few weeks before she died, all of us in the family were gathered in the front room just chatting and talking with her. We all knew she was dying and it was light on the surface, but heavy underneath. My father was furiously rifling through the papers and looking for something. He kept interrupting the flow of conversation asking, "Where are the insurance papers? Where is the mortgage agreements? What did you do with the check stubs? Where is the safe deposit key?" On and on.

Finally, after the questions got too much for her, my mother said mildly (uncharacteristically as usually she would have gotten up and looked with him in response to his demands), "You know Warren, we have had over 40 years for you to know this stuff. I don't have much time left and I don't want to spend what little I have answering, "Where's this and where's that!"

My dad was enraged and he stood up and yelled, "You are just going to DIE and leave all this mess for me to figure out!" We all sat there in stunned silence not know what to say or do. But Mom did not respond, she merely dismissively turned back to the rest of us and said, "Now what were we all talking about?"

When my mom died, in spite of their modest income and raising three kids, paying off a house and nobody ever going hungry, she died with my father owning over $1,000,000 in assets and savings.

So just WHO was "the weight" and who was not? Sometime I will tell you how after my mom's death, my dad immediately married the women of his dreams. someone who partied and drank and had lots of fun, unlike my mother who was sober and steadfast. In truth this new wife was a greedy horrible woman who drove my dad's family away, abused him horribly, and eventually took everything he had and abandoned him to die alone in his underwear and shivering on a bare couch. Suffice it to say, if there is one thing I learned from this it is what real "work" is and is not. Believe me valuing something is something you do when you know it is out of love no matter what it is. And paid work is good but the 24/7 unpaid work is just valuable as the faithful work of someone like my mom.

So besides being an awesome, funny, hard working, caring women, she was FAR from "dead weight"!

Hope this helps


Love
Cat in Seattle

I urge you to not take in his criticism. In other words, don't go over and over it in your mind. You don't even have to put it in short term memory. It is not important information, and it hurts you. Keep your mental hygiene. Don't mull over what an arse he is, or his other flaws. He resents your good attitude. This is my suggestion as I have had to learn the same thing while living with someone who treats me less than friendly.

Didn't you say you have unemployment checks coming in? That's YOUR money. Right?

That is what he is trying to say to me.
It's a long story. But if he had done things the right way, we would be in high cotton right now. He allowed his middle son, whom he adores, to take the business away from him when he got too sick to work it. And son never paid a dime for it, and still runs it on our land, where he also keeps his cattle.
He should have sold his business to his son, or at least retained ownership and received a stipend. Meanwhile his son has his house paid for, and money in the bank.
We are living hand to mouth because i'm a lousy breadwinner.
And two years ago I lost my job to budget cuts, and decided to go back to school to get a Ph.D. so it couldn't happen again (I wasn't tenured because I didn't have a Ph.D.).
I'm in the process of applying for a new teaching position that will save me. If I don't get it, I will be back at square one. So I'm not telling him about the job. Because if I do, and I don't get it, I will hear about it for months.