Please Help this NEW DUer

who isn't able to start a new thread herself yet. This is what Whimsy posted in the DU Spiritual Emergency ToolKit thread:

Hello Everyone! I am one day old on this site. I was directed to it by someone who knows I am in distress. My husband of 34 yrs. has had cancer for 11 yrs. and after a stem-cell transplant, his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma has returned. I do not know how to find the strength within to be a grown-up about this. I keep asking him to reassure me and that is ass-backwards I know. How do you deal with the illness of the person you most love in this world and stay positive and strong? The prognosis is iffy - this disease has remissions and relapses although is usually utlimately fatal. Can anyone send me advice,thoughts,prayers? Thank you so much!

She also PMd me and I offered to start a thread for her. I hope you will offer some words of comfort and advice. In addition, in response to her PM to me, I suggested she take a look at the very thread she posted to and see if there aren't some things in it that can help her too/in the meantime.

Thanks in advance for your participation in this thread.

Of course you feel betrayed by the world, by science, by your husband, by everything and everyone. This is not the life you ordered. That said, I believe that the things we are forced to deal with in life are our karma. We are supposed to deal with these things for some reason, and we may have even chosen, before birth, to deal with these issues for the growth of our soul.
Now, that can't be much solace to you today, I know, but I wanted to get that out of the way.
You will have the strength, or you will be destroyed by it. I imagine that after all these years of dealing with it, you will have the strength. Remember that your husband is also dealing with similar emotions, and may have a great deal of guilt, as well, over putting you through this. Together you can find strength to deal with it, day by day. Don't project -- take it one day at a time.
But also find time to rail at the universe. Get angry and get it out. Don't hold it in.
You can't fight karma. But you can find inner peace.
I am sending you my best wishes that you find it.
I wish I had a magic potion, a spell, or a cure to give you. But I don't. I do, however, have hope for you and feel that you will find a way to deal with this, whatver comes.

Love to you.

Dear Pink Tiger, Thank you for your sensitivity and understanding. I am very blessed to have such wisdom coming to me from strangers. But of course, the universe has actually provided me with new friends. Love, Whimsy

heal people sometimes, if that is what the soul can accept and wants, even when they don't know they have been prayed for.

Doctors have been amazed but even acknowledge the results and difference of those who have been prayed for and those not.

Here are two numbers of groups that pray for people 24/7; Silent Unity and Science of Mind.

You seem to need two things: prayers for yourself to be strong and comforting and capable and prayers for your husband's total and complete healing. Know that whether he wants to be healed is up to him subconsciously and consciously.

Here are the numbers and please call them, and explain exactly what you need:

there are groups of people praying for others 24 hours a day at two outstanding prayer ministries. They are Silent Unity, at (816) 246-5400 or, only from the U.S.A., (800) 669-7729,

and World Ministry of Prayer of the United Church of Religious Science, at (213) 385-0209 or (800) 421-9600.

Both 800 numbers are for people who are without funds to pay for calls.

next, there are local support groups in every town/city to help people going through similar trials: hospice, or grieving groups - (which you are doing) they're usually listed in your local paper.
Even after calling the prayer numbers, it is obvious you need a circle of support group, by the very fact you reached out here.

You just need the catalyst and energy to get you moving to seek the help and I hope you find it here to do so.

" We believe in the unity of all life and we believe that the Universal Spirit which is God, operates through a Universal Mind; We believe in the healing of the sick through the power of this Divine Mind; We believe in the healing of conditions through the power of this Divine Mind. We know that Right action is taking place now. And So It Is."

I don't know your real name, but I thank you no matter who you are!The phone numbers made me very hopeful; unfortunately both are no longer in service. However, I will try the 800 numbers. I felt since I had unlimited long distance I should use the regular numbers. I do believe in prayer. I will continue to try to reach these groups and others. Love, Whimsy

That has to be very hard living with something for 11 years....and now more piled on top of it.
:hug::hug::hug:

I agree with Pink Tiger's advice.....it is so frustrating to watch someone we love go through all this...and feel how it affects our own life, too....uncertainty SUCKS!

Knowing nothing about the relationship the two of you have, forgive me if my questions seem intrusive. Has he always been the stronger one? Maybe this is about balancing that out....maybe its about you finding the strength that you have within you. I'm sure over the years that you have both played both parts....I have a feeling that you balance each other out pretty well....maybe this is a way to re-balance things again. You can be strong for each other.... if you need to temporarily fall apart you can always come here & talk to us :)

Perhaps you could research alternate and additional healing modalities when you are feeling helpless and want to find something else to focus on.

I would say enjoy every day the two of you share, enjoy and appreciate where you both are right now in this moment....try not to worry ahead (hard not to do, I know). Do you share a spiritual belief of any kind?

I know so deeply in the center of my being that we just live in these bodies temporarily and though we may feel separated by death, it is an illusion and we can...are...always in communication with those we love.

Keep seeing him healed and healthy...don't give in to the panic and fear (anymore than you have to)...you have more strength than you know....you can do this...you have support and you can support him, too. Clear communication between the two of you will help...

I hope this made sense and in some small way might help...I'm afraid I rambled on a bit ...sending :grouphug: &:loveya:
DR

http://www.cancertutor.com/Cancer/Gerson.html



Sometimes the best thing to do in a case like this, for you, would be to inwardly imagine the worst that could happen, and after allowing yourself to freak out about it, realize that as painful as it would be, you could handle it. Once you have put yourself through this process and reached a sense of knowing that you can handle it, then go back to helping him fight like hell to keep healthy. But inwardly knowing you could face it, if the worst were to happen, is very strengthening.

kept telling myself "well, what is the worst that can happen? What am I so afraid of?"

Then I made myself "really feel it" and I was able to get through it & knew I could handle whatever happened.

:hi: Nancy

Dear Nancy, Your advice is helpful. I have tried this already. Although I am trying to train myself not to play the "What if" game, I felt that if I could face the worst, I might not be so afraid. I simply said "If John dies before me, I will no longer have any reason to be afraid. I will live a life of service and just put one foot in front of the other". It's a miracle that I can even think that way. You were very kind to respond to me. I know about the Gerson treatment from another DU er. Thankyou. LOve, Whimsy

Dear Desertrose, I most certainly do not mind your questions and am happy to answer them. My husband and I are extremely close. He is a very sensitive soft-spoken man, a social worker. He is not prone to the ups and downs of emotion I am; he is more steady. His whole approach to his cancer is that he is grateful for the time he has had, his wonderful doctor and that he intends to live his life normally. He used to ride a bike and once he started needing chemo he switched to Yoga and has been doing Yoga for 11 years. He says if he had to find the Yoga through cancer, then it was worth it. He worries mostly about me. I have lots of abandonment issues because my mother to whom I was very close died of cancer when she was 58.I would say John is the stronger one because he can live his life and leave cancer on the back burner, whereas it is a front burner issue for me. But when he was very sick and needed a stem cell transplant I became his personal nurse, primary care taker, and just adopted a positive,loving, nurturing attitude doing everything I could to encourage him. I moved into his hospital room and believe it or not, we actually had a positive time together. I cleaned up after him, cuddled him in bed, and in general it was one of our nicest times together. So I know I can be strong if he needs me to be. I think this site will give me great help. I was led to it by a very wise woman in my life who is my primary support person. She knew just where to send me. Write again. Love, Whimsy

Desertrose has great advice, imo. None of us has any more than the moment -- stay in the moment -- love, revel, hope, pray in it -- what will be tomorrow, will be, but for the moment, glory in it.

I appreciate your taking the time to reach out to me. I know being in the moment is the answer because right this moment I have all that I need. It is a great antidote to fear. Thank you so much. Love, Whimsy

:9
I just sent you some mail! Please, let me know if I can help!

And, don't forget, we are all here for you!

O8)

Dear Quakerfriend, I received your personal post and it was chock full of information. I am going to look into the tea. It sounds like the best way to go. You are a very kind person to take so much time with a stranger. I guess we are not really strangers. We are all beings traveling the same path together and we come into eachother's lives for a reason. By the way, I love Quakerfriend as a name. I have always admired the Quaker attitude towards just about everything. I consider myself to be a born-Jewish, Buddhist,Jainist,Quaker, Native-American,Soul. Much to learn from everyone. Love, Whimsy

And welcome to DU.

34 years together? What a wonderful history to share with someone!

I really appreciate what DR had to share about being in the moment. I think that will help.

I hesitate a little to share my thoughts, but here goes:

You recognize that you need to be positive and strong at this point, but are having trouble; there is a sense of panic in the situation.

One of the things that I have learned in this lifetime is that fear attracts the very thing we fear. There is something about the energy of fear that draws that very thing to us. I'm not a very fearful person; in my life, there is only really one thing I've truly feared. And that one thing has sought me out repeatedly, until I recognized that I was allowing my fear to "call" it.

The most important thing you can do at this point is to *let go* of any fears about the future, or about ultimate outcomes. What will be, will be, and everything happens in its own time. Meanwhile, you can be as strong and positive in your love of your husband, and of yourself, right now, today, as you ever have been and ever will be. It's the now that counts. It is what you do with the now that dictates the quality of your time together. And it is strong, positive, loving energy that will draw the highest outcome to you.

Let's take a moment to visualize you in loving strength, and move forward with that image in mind. :grouphug:

Dear "LWolf", You wrote such a beautiful note to me. I very much appreciate it. And I agree. If I stay in fear, I will attract fear.Letting go is not a new concept to me as I have been in a 12 step Program. It is a very comforting concept. I like the idea of handing my problems over to whatever there is to take it, like when I was a little girl and was worried. "Mommy will take care of it'; don't worry". I guess I have to think of a Spirit Mother who will see me safely through. I appreciate your time. And yes, my husband and I are blessed. It's been 34 years of friendship, trust and deep, deep love and belief in one another. I need to try to concentrate on the positives. Love, Whimsy

Dear Eloriel, I really appreciate your posting this thread for me and I thank everyone who has contributed to it. I feel like I have a source of strength and support from a great many people; this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have read your Emergency Kit of Spiritual Tools and found much wisdom in it. I will reply to everyone individually. Thank you All! Love,Whimsy

Just know there are a lot of people in the same situation or worse and we are all behind you in one way or another. Fortunately I've never been in your situation and could not imagine it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You seem like a person of faith in some higher power. It sounds like you still have many great times ahead to look forward to and there is some hope of treatment. When faced with a chance of incredible loss, it's hard to see this, but I believe it's true: there is some good out of every bad, even if it doesn't take place on this planet or in our dimension. Everything we survive makes us stronger and in the end, we find peace. I am usually a very skeptical and scientific person, but am absolutely convinced of this for many reasons. Take care.

Dear Purduejake, It is so good to hear supportive words from people I do not even know, not on a conscious level anyway.I am trying to enjoy every day and to be grateful for so many precious years. I would love to read about any experiences you may have had that have convinced you of the above. You can send a private post if you like. Love, Whimsy

Maybe some of these things make no sense to others, but as with any religious beliefs and faith, they are held for personal reasons. For one, I believe I have seen "ghosts" before and have heard countless friends and family members talk about paranormal experiences. There are simply too many unexplained things that show up only in pictures (on film) and too many odd things that happen and defy what we know about physics. For instance, a heavy bottle of detergent fell off the top of the dryer 3 times in one evening. I didn't think much of it the first time, but after placing it in the middle of the washer, I knew it was something paranormal as there simply was no scientific explanation.

Also, there are people like Sylvia Browne who demonstrate psychic abilities and claim to know some things about what it's like on the "other side." I certainly don't believe God created the earth in 6 days, but I do believe that something had to create the universe itself. Some psychics including Sylvia claim that we all eventually find peace and I tend to believe them because a spiteful God makes no sense to me.

Another random, but relevent spiritual experience that I've had on 9 occasions within the past year is sedation to the point of unconsciousness. Just as my vision closed into blackness the light returned and the procedures were complete. I really don't know what to make of it, but I know that I was comfortable and in peace during my unconsciousness.

My beliefs constantly evolve and may sound silly to some, which is fine. I am just convinced there is more to "life" than the current time we are spending on earth.

Feel free to PM me as well. I don't mind talking about anything in open, but I encourage you to PM me or anybody else if you are uncomfortable about talking in public or just want to have a private chat. I just hope we are providing some relief to you and am happy it seems to be the case. Take care!

Dear Eloriel, I greatly appreciate the time you have taken for me. I have read and tried to reply to each post. Each one contains a different gift for me. I feel surrounded by wisdom and love. You got the ball rolling and I send you a big hug of thanks. LOve, Whimsy

I will try to work on him this evening as I lie down to sleep. This is when I usually do my best.