Fundamentalist Christian site contains the most unintentionally hilarious game reviews ever

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (Komani, PS3)

6.12.2008: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) In Metal Gear Solid 4, you play the role of Snake, a soldier who uses stealth to sneak around a battlefield on a mission to steal guns from the Patriots (and to choke people from behind). As his name implies, Snake is actually a symbolic agent of Satan, sent into the world to finish what he started in the Garden. Evidence of this symbolism can be seen by Snake's use of an Apple iPod throughout the game (Apple is a notorious promoter of Darwinism and counter-culture). Also, Meryl, who guides Snake via a disembodied voice, uses an Apple Macintosh computer (I think Meryl is supposed to represent Satan himself, but all the symbolism is very confusing since it was written by a Japanese guy). This game promotes drug use (Snake is addicted to cigarettes and the HDD installation process features an 8-minute video of Snake teaching players how to smoke), eugenics through human cloning (Snake was the product of a project to clone "super soldiers"), disrespect of Authority (Snake's main enemy in the game are the Patriots, who represent the Christian founders of our nation), and Materialistic Determinacy with an absence of Free Will (every game in the MGS series is a remake of the first, only with a different Snake clone, the theory being that by putting the clones through the same missions, they will develop into the same person). MGS4 was designed to train those who will be left behind after the Rapture to serve in the Antichrist's military forces. As such, it has no value for the Christian gamer, who is among the Elect and won't have to deal with that, but it may help the unsaved to know the tactics they will be up against in a post-Rapture world should they choose to join the fight against the Antichrist and secure themselves a place among the Sheep when Christ returns. Therefore, I am giving it ONE CROSS for this slight benefit. †

Grand Theft Auto IV (Rockstar, Xbox 360 & PS3)

5.6.2008: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) Grand Theft Auto IV is a game designed to brain-wash players into the Atheist worldview. In it you play Nick, an immigrant recently arrived to Liberty City (a copy of New York City) who is tasked with stealing cars and murdering prostitutes. Nick came from a former Communist country where he was brought up in Godlessness and so he sees no problem stealing and murdering. The game touts its ability to let you "go anywhere and do anything you want", the central philosophy of Atheism. It also teaches how to escape from police, instilling in the player the main motivation behind Atheism: avoidance of authority. The underlying game engine is called "RAGE", which is apt since the game is fueled by anger at God. It also uses something called "Euphoria" which treats humans as "rag dolls" who act only in accordance to physics, which is what Atheistic Materialism teaches. The game series (as the title notes, this is the fourth game) has already resulted in murders in real life. This game has no redeemable qualities. Needless to say, all Christians should avoid this game and pray for the people who made it and their victims (murder victims and gamers of all ages who have played it and have been spiritually scarred). ZERO CROSSES

BioShock (Take-Two, Xbox 360 & Windows)

8.24.2007: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) BioShock is a first-person shooter set in Rapture, an underwater city created upon the Atheist philosophies of Ayn Rand and Charles Darwin. In a Darwinian struggle to survive, players must kill small children in order to harvest their "Adam" (a.k.a. "stem cells"), which players use to obtain "plasmids" that cause them to macro-evolve superhuman abilities. The children themselves also kill other people to harvest their Adam, which is the sort of behavior Godless Darwinism teaches young people (I don't think its a coincidence that these children are aided in their killing by large diving-suited beings called "Big Daddies"). There's lots of not-so-subtle anti-Christian imagery used in the game, like how the city name, "Rapture", refers to there being no Christians living there, since they are all up above the water (much like how when the real Rapture comes, we will all be above the Earth) and how players use resources called "Adam" and "Eve" to become genetically degraded by the plasmids making them less human (just like how the Fall, caused by Adam and Eve, brought death, mutations, and carnivores to our world). I'm not sure if this game is supposed to be a cautionary tale about how Atheism and Darwinism destroy society, or a simulator to train its teenage target audience to enjoy living in such a world. Either way, the game is too disturbing to be suitable for Christian audiences. ZERO CROSSES

Bully (Rockstar, PS2)

10.22.2006: Bully is a very, very bad game. It promotes school violence, vandalism, disrespect for authority, and comic mischief. This was all expected when Rockstar announced their "Columbine simulator", but there's one surprise in the game no one saw coming: It teaches young boys to become homosexuals. Your character, Jimmy Hopkins, can "make out" with six other boys in the game and is rewarded with a health bonus (subtly teaching that homosexual sex is healthy). This content is hidden, not mentioned anywhere on the packaging or content rating. The game causes players to discover it by accident, then entices them to do it again and again, much like how actual homosexuality spreads. I had to try every boy in town just to find the ones that would kiss me. It was gross! After one of the boys asked me if I wanted to play "shirts and skins", I quickly turned off the Playstation because I didn't want to see what that was (Pastor Skeet later told me it's homosexual slang). Worst of all is that "Bully" is rated Teen, which means boys as young as 13 could be learning how to approach and kiss other boys! Parents need to be warned of this hidden objectionable content so they can organize boycotts. Please inform your Church. ZERO CROSSES