Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa

'I Got All The Approval I Needed,' Content Former Pop Star Says
January 6, 2011 | ISSUE 47•01

SPILLVILLE, IA—Following the widespread acclaim and media adulation over his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, multimillion-selling recording artist Kanye West announced Wednesday that he had finally received the exact amount of approval he needed to attain and had therefore retired from the entertainment industry to live on a small farm in Iowa.

Though known for his outsized ego and grandstanding lyrics, West said "all of that is over now," telling reporters outside his remote two-bedroom farmhouse that after years of nonstop public attention, he was now completely secure in his sense of self and required no further affirmation.

"My goal all along was to be praised and talked about until I reached a level of total contentment with who I am and where I belong in the world, and on Friday night of last week, I reached that level," said West, standing outside the screen door of his home in a pair of khaki slacks and a plain gray work shirt. "I finally feel satisfied and whole as a human being, which means I can stop being a famous pop star now."

"So I just want to say thank you to everyone who bolstered my self-esteem by showering me with so much acclaim," added West, sweeping some dust from his front porch. "Because it worked. I'm good to go."

West said he came across Pitchfork.com's perfect 10.0 review of his new release on Friday and then, immediately afterward, was informed that his album had already sold more than 800,000 copies, experiences that caused a feeling of "total, and permanent, fulfillment" to come over him.

The internationally renowned rap star described his many displays of outlandish behavior over the years—running up on stage and interrupting Taylor Swift during the MTV Music Awards, replacing his bottom teeth with diamonds, and posing as Jesus in a crown of thorns on the cover of Rolling Stone—as attempts at self-realization that "totally paid off."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fully-validated-kanye-west-retires-to-quiet-farm-i,18724/