I need some advice, and I don't know who else to ask.

A little background first. My sister is an alcoholic, ex-drug addict widow who's trying to recover and fix her life. She lost her husband a few years ago, and sank into alcoholism and depression as a result. He was her whole life, and she just couldn't deal with losing him so young (he had a heart attack at age 36). She has two little boys, ages 7 and 9. The 9 year old is white--he had a different bio father, but my late brother-in-law adopted him as a toddler. The 7 year old is biracial AA. She and the kids have been living with me for the last year, and I've been (gladly) doing the bulk of the childcare because her days are spent either working at her job or attending her 7-day-a-week suboxone clinic and AA meetings. She's working hard and I'm proud of her, but she has little time to be much of a caretaker right now--and that's fine. We all know and understand how important her meetings, clinic, and therapy is for her (and the boys') long-term success.

The boys spend the weekdays here with me and Rhythm, and then they alternate grandmothers for the weekends--both boys go to MY Mom one weekend, and then to my sister's late husband's mother the next. My Mom is white. My sister's late husband was black, as is his entire family. I am familiar and friendly with them, but I don't want to ask them about this, because it would be awkward.

For discussion purposes, we'll call the older boy "Ivan" and the younger boy "Cory".

Now to the issue at hand. Cory and Ivan, like all siblings, tend to get into fights. 99.9% of the time, it's just typical little-boy stuff and I know how to deal with it. But today, I heard them arguing in the bedroom and Ivan turned to Cory and said, "That's just wrong, n***a." My first instinct was to storm in there, lecture Ivan about offensive language, and put him in time-out. But when I thought about it again, I'm not so sure that such a thing would be a good idea. Both boys live with a black family twice a month--in fact, because of my sister's problems, both boys were practically RAISED in both a black and a white household. I know that their black aunts, uncles, and cousins (who they live with every other weekend) use that word among each other, in exactly that way. I don't want to give the boys the impression that their other family is "wrong" for saying it.

I'm afraid that if I tell them that "n***a" is a "bad word", it will create conflict between the boys that I don't know how to resolve. The boys both say that word over at their other family's house, because THEY do, and that's normal for their home. But Ivan is white, and Cory is not. Should I let Ivan say it to, but only to Cory, and vice-versa? Or if I put my foot down and forbid it when they're here, are they going to feel like I'm making bad judgements about their other family for using that word? I understand the desire to reclaim that word. I understand that it doesn't always mean the same thing when black people say it to each other as it does when it's used against them by white people. I support their right to do so. But I don't know how to deal with the boys saying it.

Basically, it boils down to this: Ivan is white (blond, blue-eyed) and Cory is black. The patterns they create now are the foundation for their future selves. I feel like it's important to teach Ivan that he CAN'T just blithely say that word, because other people in the future are NOT necessarily going to understand that his brother and his stepfamily are black. They're just going to see a blond-haired white boy saying "n***a". At the same time, their other family has taught the boys that saying that word is okay so long as it's with black "family". But neither of them understand the nuances of when to say it and when not to--to them, family is family, black or white. They don't understand the racial implications behind that word. They're both a bit young to have that kind of deep conversation with, and I don't know how to approach it with kids that young.

So what should I do? Forbid it for both of them? Allow it for both of them? Let Cory say it and forbid it for Ivan? What option is going to (1) teach them a lesson about racial sensitivity, (2) respect their other family, (3) respect the relationship between the boys, and (4) be the least likely to offend anyone? How do I explain to them in an age-appropriate and respectful way about that word--to help them understand that sometimes that word is not appropriate, while simultaneously NOT giving them the impression that their other family is "inappropriate"?

My sister is oblivious, and I'm still learning. I could use some advice. If my sister fails at rehab again, there's a significant chance that I might end up with legal and physical custody of both of these boys until they're 18, so it's very, very important to me to learn. I would like to NOT be an ignorant idiot when and if something like this ever comes up again. I want to educate myself.

If someone could even vaguely point me in the right direction, I'd be grateful. I'm sure other issues like this will eventually come up--is there a racial version of PFLAG? A group for white people raising black kids? I just don't want to mess anything up or do something wrong. I love them both very, very much. :(

I just didn't want anyone to think that I'd disappeared if I don't respond for a while.

Tell them not to use the word.

When I was young, there were some kids in my neighborhood who used the word. I was told that it was unacceptable in my home. Period. The kids who used that word at their homes, did not use that word in my home. They knew my parents wouldn't put up with it.

If they called each other MFs in their homes, would you have a problem telling them that it was not OK in your home?

I want so much to keep things good between us for the sake of the kids. I'm GLBT and we're going through a similar internal community conflict over the word "queer". I hate it, but I respect the right of others to try and reclaim it. I recognize that special circumstance, so I don't want to be insensitive to the views of my sister's in-law family and THEIR rights and views.

I'm just really torn about it. It seems like such a small, silly thing when I try to describe it out loud, but such a HUGE thing inside of my head when I think about it.

I just don't want to hurt anyone--not Cory and Ivan, not my family, and not their other family. :(

the N word. I cannot change their views. I will not try to change their views.

But, I insist on respect in my home. That word will not be tolerated on any level in my home. If anyone finds my views offensive, it's really not my problem. When I am around people who thinks the word is OK, I leave. When the kids were younger, I would ask them to watch their words as kids were near.

I cannot see why your views should cause tension. I would hope that it doesn't. But if it does, you must do what you feel is right.

That was seriously very helpful.

You make the rules.

You can explain that the word is not acceptable in your house, and you can explain why, and explain that many people find the word highly offensive, and some don't. A nine-year old can understand and respect that.

The important thing is to be consistent, open, and fair, and set the rules.

So long as they live with me, my house is THEIR house too. I don't know what rule to set. My instinct is that *that* word is *always* unacceptable...but that's because I'm WHITE. Cory's not, and Ivan was raised for a year in a black home while my sister was in rehab last time. Is it fair of me to set that rule arbitrarily? I worry that it's my own racial privilege that's making me feel uncomfortable with it, and I don't want my privilege to hurt my nephews by giving them the false impression that I think that their other family is somehow "wrong" about that word--because that's NOT the case. I love these boys dearly. We've had them for over a year now, and they've become nearly as much "my" children as my own son is.

I just don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to make a mistake that might hurt the boys, especially. I know it seems ridiculous of me to be THIS worried about it, but I am. I talked to my sister via phone earlier, and she just waffled on it. I know she has bigger problems right now, but I'm really worried that I'm going to screw up somehow. I don't blame my sister or anyone else; our family is VERY low-income, and so is Larry's (my sister's late husband). My sister isn't terribly knowledgeable about these issues. She and Larry just kind of dealt with things as they happened and let love be the forgiveness for any blunders along the way. But Larry's gone, and my sister is...incapable. I want to be there for my nephews and do the right thing, but I need to know *how*. I don't want to hurt my babies. You should see them. They're the most beautiful kids in the world, and they've been through SO much.

I'm sorry that I'm rambling and bothering all of you with this. I just don't have anywhere else to turn without the risk of really humiliating myself with my own ignorance. It's especially hard since the boys don't have an adult male black role model since their Dad died. I've signed them up for "Big Brothers/Big Sisters", but that program is really lacking in our area. We signed up months ago and I haven't heard a word from anyone since.

I'm not asking for anyone to solve my problem for me. However, I thought maybe someone here would have some advice--or at least more knowledge and sensitivity than *I* have about this. If it was just for me, I'd stumble through it and make mistakes and deal with them, but this is about the kids...and I'd rather not hurt them any more than they've *already* been hurt by their Dad's death and what's going on with their Mom. :(

It's simple. The rule is that this word is not to be spoken in this house. Tell them that you find it very offensive....which apparently you do, and that's a fine reason not to tolerate it. If they ask why.....you have to let them know that's just the way it is, period. If they don't know by now, they will as some point find out; the both of them. If they can say the word in your house, then next, they will be saying in school....why would you want to set them up to believe that such a word is acceptable by most, when it isn't?

And it's not that I don't know what rules I *want* to set...I just wasn't sure what rule I *should* set about this one thing. I guess I'm just trying not to be narrow-minded. I don't find it offensive when I hear black people using it between each other; I understand that. It's not my place to judge. But like you said...I don't want the boys to suffer judgement over it from other people who don't understand their past and their unusual and special family circumstances. If they get used to saying it, it's going to become a habit and that's not going to work out well later on.

I'll just go ahead and talk to them gently about it, and just tell them that there are some people in this world who would be very, very hurt to hear that word used so carelessly, and that they should consider it off-limits for both of them when they're here. But I'll make sure to impress upon them that if their Dad's family uses it, that's a different and special situation and they aren't "wrong" for doing so.

Thanks.

Guard them. Show them the right path.

Setting the rule against using that word is not arbitrary, it is based on the long history of the word. There is disagreement about the use of that word in the black community; many are highly offended, some are not. You are not wrong by choosing to forbid it, and that is the more historically valid consideration.

The best way to hurt these kids it to NOT set an example for them. You worry too much about the politically correct approach. The larger question is whether or not you are doing the right thing on the bigger issues. The use of this word is not one of them.

in the short term, like stated above, you can forbid the use of said word in your house. You are the final arbiter of your residence and the kids don't have to like it--'cause it looks like that there's gonna be a lot of things that they aren't going to like.

In the long term, it looks like there's a better-than-average chance that you could become their guardian. Even if you don't become guardian, the kids will be in your life for the foreseeable future. That being said, you'll have to have that conversation with your brother-in-law's family, but you already know this.

You can start the conversations on race with the kids; they are already aware of the differences. Like Tim Wise said about such conversations, "you can go deep, but you can't stay long." Frame the conversation so that they are thinking, and you aren't just talking.

I don't know of any such group, but such a group would be a good idea.

It's hard, knowing how ignorant I am about some things. I don't want to be, and I have to find a way to learn better. Getting some real-life support and guidance would be a great thing. The boys are incredibly bright and are doing well in school, despite the chaos they've been through. I think I can talk to them about something serious as long as I don't get too long-winded about it.